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Original poster

Reluctant to do homework. Nag or let her take consequences?

21 replies

HolibobsinApril · 05/03/2023 18:48

DD (11) . Generally doing very well at school - in top sets of everything etc. However, she is very reluctant to do her homework. We remind her many times throughout the weekend and after school but she always gets distracted or finds an excuse not to do it.

This has resulted in us fighting over her doing it at 6.30 on a Sunday evening. Every week!

Most of it is due Monday morning.

If they don't do their homework they get a behaviour mark. If she gets a behaviour mark she loses her phone and laptop for a week.

I do wonder whether we allow her to learn from her mistakes and not hand her homework in or to keep falling out over it. It's causing us all upset.

However, at the same time I don't want her to get in trouble at school and jeopardise the work she has put in at school.

She has 2 after school clubs so can't do it those evening.

OP posts:

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 05/03/2023 18:49

At 11 I would let her take the consequences, she’ll soon change her attitude.

Original poster

HolibobsinApril · 05/03/2023 18:52

Just had discussion with DH that we are setting ourselves up for years of nagging.

OP posts:

MermaidEyes · 05/03/2023 18:57

I also think leave her to it and let her face the consequences. Secondary school is the time when you have to take somewhat of a backseat and let them figure out things for themselves or they'll never cope as an adult. My eldest was the same, would often still be up at midnight doing maths homework due in the next day. She survived and learnt over time that sometimes it's better not to procrastinate.

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Starseeed · 05/03/2023 18:59

Absolutely let her take the consequences. Make yourself available to support at a time that’s convenient for you eg Saturday morning or whatever suits and if she doesn’t take you up on it let her know you won’t be able to help later. No drama, no nagging.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 05/03/2023 19:02

I tell DD once or twice at most. If she does it then she gets encouragement,help and support. If she doesn't, then she's doing it by herself whenever she remembers, or if not gets the consequences at school.

It only happened twice.

Starseeed · 05/03/2023 19:03

Btw have done this with my ultra-resistant reader from age 6/7 after many battles - eventually age 9 he’s super motivated with his reading and writing at school and it’s all come from him and a desire for him to keep up with his peers and navigate the world. There’s always a scary free fall when you set a boundary and you’re not quite sure if they’re going to take the reigns, but to see them take the responsibility and fly is so rewarding for them and you.

QueenMabs · 05/03/2023 19:03

I'm a teacher and I hate it when families get into a conflict situation about school. Sunday eve in dread is worse enough let alone having a row about it on a Sunday evening. There are a few other things you can do. It very supportive that you sanction at home.

You can do a homework timetable with with her so she has time everyday to do it every day 45 minutes each day is plenty. You can check her planner every evening and ensure she has recorded homework. And made a note of when it is due in.

If she hasn't done it just remind her she will get a behaviour point har will lead to consequences at home.

We don't give behaviour negative sanction for homework at my school just positive rewards for complete homework that is in on time.

If none of this works, homework is not a reason to ruin a families happy time so email school and say you are struggling to get her to complete despite doing xyz and don't want to cause more conflict at home about so please can school offer additional support

For now just massively chill about it. See what happens for the next few weeks, see if she get behaviour points and then put in a plan for after Easter.

itsgettingweird · 05/03/2023 19:06

If you take her laptop and phone can she even complete homework?!

But I'd go with let her learn. Give her a heads up if you are doing family stuff to organise herself around it.

Then let her get points. If it leads to detention and missing stuff she loves she'll soon decide if doing homework is the better option.

Email school and say you are trying to get her to do it but it's causing conflict but you'll support any sanction they impose for not completing it.

Original poster

HolibobsinApril · 05/03/2023 19:14

Each pupil has a school iPad so she can still do her homework.

It's just her personal devices that get removed.

OP posts:

Riverlee · 05/03/2023 19:21

Is she in year 6 or 7?

If in year six, I would encourage her.

If in senior school, then let her take the consequences. I think for the first term, I would nag, but she’s now half way through the year, and should know what’s expected of her.

Original poster

HolibobsinApril · 05/03/2023 19:23

She is Year 7

OP posts:

Beamur · 05/03/2023 19:25

Definitely consequences.
Remind her gently a few times, have a schedule agreed etc, but don't get into rows about it. You've years of this ahead.

dapsnotplimsolls · 05/03/2023 19:28

Let her take the consequences. If that doesn't work, then maybe the after-school clubs need to go.

mamnotmum · 05/03/2023 19:31

Remind a couple of times but don't nag. Getting wrong at school will have much more of an impact.

Nimbostratus100 · 05/03/2023 19:35

I disagree with letting her take the consequences.

I think you need to step up, and help her into good habits.

Don't nag on Sunday night! Instead have a time of day where you sit down with her and look at what has been set, and help her timetable when she is doing what, then start her off on the first piece, and come back after a set time to check it is done.

She should not be doing hours and hours, but two 40 minute stretches in an evening, or similar, before having free time.

MargaretThursday · 05/03/2023 19:39

Depends. Will the school actually do anything?

Dd2 was very good at opening her eyes wide and persuading her teachers that they couldn't possible expect her to have done such a dreadful thing as homework. I'd then get a call from the teacher giving huge sympathy for her etc. Tbf I did quite a good line in that, but had less sympathetic teachers.
Dd1 and ds at the same school and anyone else I've come across hasn't had that talent.

Original poster

HolibobsinApril · 05/03/2023 19:40

So it's unanimous. OK, I've sat down with her and explained it. I've said I will remind her throughout the weekend and after school and she has an alarm on her iPad each evening.

She gets emails from school with homework set after school between 4-5pm. The alarm is at 5 so that she can have a look.

I've explained that she needs to learn to be more responsible.

I've also told her that if she ever needs any help with it we will always be able to assist.

Thanks all

OP posts:

EnjoyingTheSilence · 05/03/2023 19:41

Let her face the consequences, unless she has Sen, she needs to learn to manage her time. You can offer to help but you aren’t going to be there if she goes to uni or when she’s in work.

the school will be used to dealing with the transition and do you really want this to be your life for the next few years?

I’d let her know that you are going to stop the nagging and let her get on with it, but if she gets a detention she will need to deal with it. She might surprise you and get on with it and do what she needs to do.

Original poster

HolibobsinApril · 05/03/2023 19:43

She has the option of homework club after school. She is obviously more focussed at school so I'm going to suggest she uses that time to do it.

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 05/03/2023 20:01

I am on the other side of this. Spent 6 months of year 7 with constant reminders which became nagging. Now he is year 8 and I leave him to it entirely. I ask what he has and take an interest but I don't get involved in when he does it. He has never not got it in on time and our lives are more peaceful.

Original poster

HolibobsinApril · 05/03/2023 20:04

SummerHouse · 05/03/2023 20:01

Thank you, that's reassuring

OP posts:

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