Is it normal for aggression to be directed at one person and nobody else?

[tindsotm]

My Nan has fairly recently been diagnosed with Dementia. I have been reading up about it online as much as I can and it seems some people with Dementia can be aggressive sometimes.

The thing I am struggling with is she only seems to be this way with me. If family go to see her they get an hello, so 'Oh hello John' if I show up I get her finger pointed in my face and a 'And YOU, YOU don't love me' She no longer uses my name at all, I am now 'You'.. 'You, make me a drink' etc. If I speak, As in to ask her how she is she tells me I'm ganging up on her and she knows how I really am, I'm not a nice person at all. If I ask her why she feels this way she will just smirk at me.

I was sat facing her with a table between us last week talking, My legs were under the table, She kicked my legs and told me to move, Before I could move she kicked me again.

Over the last few weeks she had told me I'm a fake person, That I don't love her, and when she does get aggressive it seems very personal to me, As in, my 20 year relationship broke down a few years ago and she seems to throw that in my face a lot since she got ill, As in telling me my entire relationship was fake, My ex never loved me, I was a slut for opening my legs for him, I'm a whore (no context) I was an idiot for staying with someone that clearly never loved me, I have wasted my life, I will never get married because that's not 'for' me. If I say I'm going home and she wants me to stay longer I get 'Don't be stupid, It's not like you have a Husband to go home to'

She is not like this with anyone else in the family and it's actually starting to hurt me because before she got ill we have always been close and also I have been my Grandparents carer for the last three years. Before diagnosis she was the sweetest person.

Can their aggression be directed towards just the one person? I'm trying to deal with this the best I can but it's quite hard not to take it personally!

Anyone been through similar? Best way to deal with it?

I think the best way to deal with it would be to stop going.
It’s obviously causing her some agitation for some imagined reason.
Maybe give it a break for a couple of months then go in with a box of chocolates or something and see if you still get that reaction.

It sounds really tough and must be hard not to take it personally.

Yes, it can.

I saw my fils mother do this to fil. They were always closer than she was with his siblings and did more of the care for her, but she became vile towards him and it was devastating.

My grandfather did the same. Decided one of my Aunts (his eldest daughter) was the devil incarnate.

I am so sorry this is happening. It’s so difficult to go through.

Both my fil and Aunt eventually just learned to switch off to it. When their parent died, both spoke about how they accepted that their parent had gone long before they died and they had already grieved them. The process seemed to be Feeling very hurt by the persons behaviour towards them, grieving the loss of the parent they knew (which is painful when the person is here and maintaining other relationships), then learning to switch off to it and just getting on with it.

Dementia can develop into a type of paranoia where they think someone is spying/withholding something/poisoning them which can be directed at one person. Sounds like this is what's happened.

It's very difficult OP, but she really isn't in her right mind. Those aren't moments of clarity, her true feelings or things she's secretly thought for years. There's no logic behind who it's directed to. Unfortunately she is very unwell and it is a sad and cruel illness not only for the person suffering it but for everyone around them enduring the process. You are doing your best.

When my lovely grandmother had dementia she went from being someone who didn't like to be around animals at all, really was offput by the family pets and wouldn't even touch them without grimacing if they came near. She was a lovely, kind woman and a wonderful grandmother to us as children but she couldn't bear animals! As her illness progressed we were all quite taken aback that one of the first most visible changes (general forgetfulness etc aside) was that she suddenly developed huge excitement and joy for our family dog, would laugh and clap when she saw him, pet him and ask after him near constantly.

She may not remember you as a granddaughter and think you are someone else. Especially if you look a lot like someone from her past - a sister perhaps?

My anecdata (based on two grandparents) is that the person they (pre illness) loved the most is the person that they are the most aggressive to.

The people that they are lovely to are the people that they felt close to indifference to before.

I agree with @Mumoftwoinprimary , my grandfather was truly vile to his eldest son/my uncle when he succumbed to his dementia. Prior to this they had been thick as thieves and did everything together.

Was a real shame as my uncle couldn't cope with the sudden hatred and it deeply affected him afterwards.