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Original poster

Has anyone ever regretted not having a 4th child??

15 replies

Codlingmoths · 05/03/2023 13:04

Financially stable, both of us full time in good jobs. Own our own home. Not in the uk anymore. Dc3 just turned one. I’m about to turn 40, if I were younger we would go for it. Dh happy with 3 but would try for a 4th if I wanted. I’m afraid if we don’t my heart will know our family is missing a baby. It would be a tough few years but 4 young adults would be something to be proud of. Will I regret not trying??
if we did try it would only be for a short time given my age, if we tried and it didn’t happen I know I could be at peace with tha, that’s life.

OP posts:

Caspianberg · 05/03/2023 13:14

For me personally I think it’s way too many. We also aren’t in the uk anymore, and childcare affordable here etc, however, I just think more is harder in so many ways.

We will return to uk soon to visit family, and the logistics of having to do that with 4 v 3 is way harder. Hotel rooms bigger, can’t hire normal 5 seater car, expensive entry fees to places, eating out gets more expensive. We are only doing it with 1!

Also time is the main factor. With full time jobs, isn’t it already a challenge to have time for 3? Wouldn’t 4 be even harder? I know with just 1, this weekend we have been trying to do some house diy and trying to make sure everyone’s fed, happy, and had some time to relax is challenging.

Meandfour · 05/03/2023 13:16

I’ve recently had my 4th and honestly, he has completely our family so perfectly. I always knew I wanted 4 but we ended up having a 3.5 year gap between DC3 and 4 due to lockdown and me not wanting a baby during the height of covid.
A couple of times I thought, should we stick at 3 and now I’m so glad we didn’t.

I grew up as 1 of 4 and absolutely loved my childhood.

sixfoot · 05/03/2023 13:21

Unless you are extremely wealthy I wouldn’t even consider it. Four children is a lot. Four teens even worse. The financial impact is huge.

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Springintoactions · 05/03/2023 13:36

I really wanted 4
Had 3, 2yr apart
For me the clincher no for 4 was need to save up for uni fees and supporting in young adulthood

Having 3 mesnt no to private schools and kind of regrettable for my middle child who's very bright

Having 4 would have meant not supporting financially at uni and me having no pension contrib another 2y min

It's annoying as if nursery was free would have done it. Both energetic high earners.

Original poster

Codlingmoths · 05/03/2023 13:37

How old were you @Meandfour ? We would be doing private schools, we might have to consider cheaper private schools with 4 but I don’t think so, the more likely impact is less money to do up the house.

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Original poster

Codlingmoths · 05/03/2023 13:39

All fair points @Caspianberg . Except maybe hotel rooms - I would have thought 5 vS 6 very similar once it’s not 4 + a cot?

OP posts:

virginqueen · 05/03/2023 13:39

I wanted 4 but took a long time to have DC3, by which time I was 40. DH was happy with 3 so we never had the 4th. Now they're all grown up, but I still sometimes wonder what might have been.

Emanresu9 · 05/03/2023 13:39

I really wanted 4 when my DC3 was the same age as yours. Now that my 3 are 8, 8 and 10 I thank my lucky stars that we didn't.

My goodness it is busy. Birthday parties, homework, spelling tests, new shoes to trudge round town for, trying to do a lego build with only one of them, drop offs for football matches and cricket sessions etc etc.

I think I was just in a baby/preschooler blur and wanted one more. I had no idea how busy life would get as they got bigger. no regrets!

GreenLampOfLove · 05/03/2023 13:46

I really wanted a 4th and my ex didn't. Ultimately I don't think I ever let go of the resentment although he was right to stick to his personal limit. It's a difficult one.
I'm one of 4 and can't imagine it not being that way. We're all close as adults.

OliviaFlaversham · 05/03/2023 13:49

Think of your time in the evening and the time you can currently give each child. Could you truthfully split that again? Giving a decent amount of time to the children is the biggest driver for me.

chopc · 05/03/2023 13:52

Me. Didn't go for it as I had 3 caesareans and my womb was very fragile (as was told by consultant). Plus I only wanted a girl. For these reasons we didn't go ahead. Still sensible although would have loved a bigger family

MyriadOfTravels · 05/03/2023 14:15

Not 4 but 3.

I really really struggled with it for about 2~3 years. I had dreams about that (potential) baby. Feelings that there was something missing when we were out and about.
That’s about 15 years ago.

I have no regret now. It is what it is. I love the children I have. I am very aware that they wouldn’t have had some opportunities they had if we had had a 3rd child. And that some stuff would have been much harder work.
I’m also aware that there was always the potential for things to much harder work than planned. im thinking illness, ND etc… (all of which are in the family) that might well have tipped me over the edge.

cheatingcrackers · 05/03/2023 14:22

Oh, I sort of regret it. I don’t know. Ours are 4, 6 and 9 and DH and I would both love a 4th but we have decided against it because I got awful HG all the way through all 3 pregnancies and when you factor in that plus the newborn months of exhaustion it kind of wipes me out for a full year. I don’t feel that’s fair on the other kids really. Plus there’s an element of it not being fair on me - I can’t work, I can’t exercise, I just feel so rubbish during that time.

And it is nice being at the stage now where for example we can go
for a hike and everybody can walk by themselves the whole time, and DH and I can go away for a night (I don’t like leaving my kids overnight until they’re 2+). Also our older two have very full sporting schedules, number three looks like he’s following suit, and it’s already a massive juggle getting everyone to where they need to be.

But all that said - I am jealous of my friends/strangers I meet with 4 and I guess I always might be.

lockedcupboard · 05/03/2023 16:21

I had the 4th and love it. You're right regarding hotel rooms, we haven't found much different between 3 and 4 in that regard.

Obviously things are busy but they were with 3. I'm a SAHM though so feel I get a good amount of time with each child.

pbdr · 05/03/2023 16:49

One thing to bear in mind is that, at age 40 you are at much higher risk miscarriage, genetic abnormalities and pregnancy complications that could result in prematurity etc. So although you are reasonably considering relationships with siblings, finances, time available to spend with each of them etc, don't forget to consider how the addition of a profoundly disabled child would affect your family, as that is a potential outcome. If I had 3 healthy children I would be tempted to quit while I was ahead rather than roll the dice again at a more advanced maternal age.

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