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Original poster

Would you be annoyed at friend for missing birthday meal?

51 replies

squashpink · 03/03/2023 22:59

I had a birthday meal for my birthday a few nights ago. Booked table, paid deposit per person. One of my close friends and her boyfriend were going to come. Two nights before the meal, friend messaged to say actually they weren’t coming as it was her boyfriend’s birthday the next day, so they were actually going to go for a meal together instead.
Restaurant let us shrink booking without losing deposit for them.

Would you be annoyed?

OP posts:
Targetted · 04/03/2023 07:56

Yes, I'd be annoyed. I'd also be really embarrassed to be her, so I'd like to think that once I'd had a few days to get over it I'd check in with her to make sure she's OK. As others have said BF's birthday was hardly surprised so what happened to "force" her to change plans?

RampantIvy · 04/03/2023 08:00

Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 07:36

I'd be annoyed, yes. I'd be fine if they'd told me originally but his birthday isn't a surprise, she must have known when it was. I can't bear flakey people.

Given the number of people on here that think it's fine just to let people down for their birthday meal, then there are quite a few of them out there.

I'm with you on this. I see that the cancel culture is alive and well on this thread for some people.

I totally understand people cancelling for genuine and unavoidable reasons, but this wasn't unavoidable.

Galadriel90 · 04/03/2023 08:00

I'd be really annoyed actually. It's like they decided that doing something else was a better prospect and that is not the behaviour of a good friend.

bonjello · 04/03/2023 08:01

I'd be a bit annoyed but assume maybe they had their own shit to deal with right now and let it go. If it became a patern I'd be concerned about her boyfriend and still stick around when she wanted me.

Morestrangethings · 04/03/2023 08:02

Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 07:50

What if everyone just thought it was okay just to let the OP down two days before, meaning she'd have to celebrate on her own? That's why it's unkind. Once you decide it's okay for one person to flake then it's okay for everyone to.

Show quote history

But everyone is not going to let OP down two days before, are they?

bonjello · 04/03/2023 08:03

So being generous- they needed some time together as something bad has happened.
Being less generous - he might be a controlling arse who has made her cancel.
Even less generous - shes an arse

WMH · 04/03/2023 08:03

Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2023 07:30

I’d wonder whether she has discussed it with her bf before accepting the invitation from you. It sounds like maybe she didn’t and he did not want to go.

Yes I think this too.
It's bad form to accept an invitation then pull out but I reckon he didn't want to go

BeautifulWar · 04/03/2023 08:04

I'd be disappointed but appreciate the heads up and her honesty. I'd think maybe she'd accepted on behalf of them both without checking with him.

TwitTwoodiniEscapeOwlogist · 04/03/2023 08:05

I did this forty years ago and am still deeply ashamed of it. It wasn't even my boyfriend's birthday, it was because he was deeply controlling and emotionally abusive and caused a massive row until I agreed we wouldn't go. (He framed it as loving me so much he needed that evening with me).

I was young and naïve and didn't realise what an utterly awful man he was and went on to marry him. (We divorced eventually thank goodness). If someone tried to do that now I'd tell them where to go and just go to my friend's birthday by myself. But back then I was stupid and easy to manipulate.

user1471462634 · 04/03/2023 08:17

Yes, that would annoy me. She's a close friend, it was a special occasion & you were gracious enough to invite him.
Surely they had plenty of time to arrange something for his birthday & his birthday was the next day but she chose to let you down instead.

That's on info you have given.

Do you know anything about him, how their relationship is, has this happened before?

MichelleScarn · 04/03/2023 08:18

I'd be annoyed but would have to think of several factors, is it an expensive place to go to and they don't want to say cannot afford so found an excuse? I'd prob say it's hard to go out as a couple for group dining these days and not spend 3 figures because of the ordering habits of others and bill splitting! (Look at the numerous posts on here!)

IncompleteSenten · 04/03/2023 08:22

In that situation, yes.

I'm assuming she knew the date of her boyfriend's birthday before accepting your invitation so yes I'd be irked.

Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 08:43

Morestrangethings · 04/03/2023 08:02

But everyone is not going to let OP down two days before, are they?

Show quote history

How the hell do you know that? I had this once. Everyone had a different excuse why they couldn't go out. Wasn't my birthday but it could have been.

Ncgirlseriously · 04/03/2023 08:46

Yeah, I’d be a bit annoyed, but seeing as you didn’t lose the deposit I wouldn’t be too fussed. I’d also be a little concerned that her boyfriend was being controlling, if there were other signs of that. It’s odd to cancel like that just because of his birthday, so I wonder if he made a fuss.

Barbecuebeans · 04/03/2023 08:46

MichelleScarn · 04/03/2023 08:18

I'd be annoyed but would have to think of several factors, is it an expensive place to go to and they don't want to say cannot afford so found an excuse? I'd prob say it's hard to go out as a couple for group dining these days and not spend 3 figures because of the ordering habits of others and bill splitting! (Look at the numerous posts on here!)

Generally the consensus about that is to be clear at the outset that you're just paying for your own meal. Then if everyone else wants to split the bill then they can do so. I've been in a situation where someone did that recently and no one minded.

strawberry2017 · 04/03/2023 08:47

I would be annoyed, they knew it was his birthday I would have preferred they just say no to start with.

MyLittlePonyWellies · 04/03/2023 08:50

I wouldn't be impressed with that. It is certainly very rude of them to cancel basically because they didn't fancy it as much as they fancied a date together.

I suppose if money is tight they may only have been able to do one or the other? That would be the only thing which I could maybe understand. However, even still that was rude of them not to plan and stick to the date they'd committed to. I wouldn't make a big effort to include them again tbh

Lizziet64 · 04/03/2023 09:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TenoringBehind · 04/03/2023 09:18

Yes, she should have said no in the first place.

TellSomeoneElse · 04/03/2023 09:28

That’s very rude. You don’t cancel an existing engagement when you get a better offer, especially one that would be easily done another night and when the host has paid a deposit for you already!

Emptycrackedcup · 04/03/2023 09:45

Probably but then I'd quickly get over it. At least she let you know in advance and didn't lie about it

Daffodilsandbeer · 04/03/2023 09:55

Depends, how many were going to rhe birthday meal?

Crumpetdisappointment · 04/03/2023 09:56

yes i would be annoyed
i would get over it but be disappointed

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 04/03/2023 10:11

bonjello · 04/03/2023 08:03

So being generous- they needed some time together as something bad has happened.
Being less generous - he might be a controlling arse who has made her cancel.
Even less generous - shes an arse

I'm thinking along the same lines^^

Original poster
squashpink · 05/03/2023 14:01

It was a shame really as I was looking forward to seeing them. They did mention that we should do something together soon though. What, so they can just cancel?

They have no money issues as far as I’m aware. Plus, you wouldn’t admit to going for your own meal if you were cancelling because of that reason.

Hadn’t considered a controlling boyfriend. It’s weird that the friend seems to solely socialise with the boyfriend’s friends these days.

OP posts: