Early miscarriage has left me devastated

[Babyhopes97]

Hi everyone. Unfortunately a week ago, I miscarried at 6 weeks, I didn't realise until the Sunday but the spotting started on the Friday. The hospital were very cold & me & partner were devastated. A week later I feel just as broken. Iv been through a lot of loss in my life & I feel Maybe this has brought up my grief. I feel I had everything for a moment & in the same breath I lost it all. I'm worried this is going to turn into full blown depression as I had only just came off anti depressants not long before falling pregnant, I was actually the happiest I had ever been in my life. Will trying again help me move forward? I'm worried even if I get pregnant again il still feel like feeling. My partner says I can't just replace this loss with another. I worry he's been put off too.... he said at the time we can try again asoon as I'm ready but I feel very distant from him these last few days. Physically I am so so weak, my legs are heavy & I feel like I have the flu... I cannot stop crying. I'm taking iron & the bleeding has stopped today, my ovulation should be in 11 days, still spotting a bit today. I just don't know how to move forward.

Partner was also broken, Iv never seen him cry like that before. But he seems much better 1 week on, I think he's just missing his happy partner now

It is devastating, and you will never forget this one

I don't know if it is helpful to others, but I had some early losses before my beautiful babies - and I named each one in my heart. Every now and then I think of their names when I see something beautiful, or make a donation to a charity that means something to me

Of course, they have unisex names, and also, noone else knows I do this, but even 30 years later, I still do

I’m sorry this has happened 💔
Pregnancy loss at any stage is devastating. I had 2 early miscarriages in between my second and third DCs, one of which I found out I was pregnant and that I was miss- carrying within 48hrs.
There’s no right or wrong way to process. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.
This organisation I’ve linked below offered wonderful support to both me and my exH, as he really struggled with the first loss too.

www.achingarms.co.uk

I just wanted to offer you my sympathies, and it's rubbish that the hospital people were not more sympathetic. I think sometimes, because there is not much that can be done in your situation, hospital staff can be a bit dismissive or just not very empathetic about how it must make you feel.

Maybe it might be worth not worrying about trying again, dates etc just for this next cycle and let you (and your boyfriend) have a little time to decompress from all the anxiety?

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s super hard as you are upset for the what could have been and the plans you make in your head. After my losses I became obsessed with ttc again.

It’s not your fault, you didn’t cause this, it has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do.

Your body carries part of your babies genetics so they never actually leave you. They will forever be with you.

I would recommend ringing a charity like Tommys. They might be able up recommend some therapy. It’s super scary falling pregnant again and having some coping mechanisms would be beneficial

Ah it's a hard time for everyone. My second pregnancy ended with early miscarriage and it was traumatic - I was "lucky" with the physical part, I could stay at home and there was no pain etc. Emotionally I took ages to feel better. I fell pregnant straightaway after and the anxiety (I had unexplained bleeding pretty much throughout) as overwhelming. DC2 was born full term and healthy.

Work were super understanding and discreet and I could have a week off to cry and think and go through all my feelings with zero pressure. Both my manager and our HR manager have had pregnancy losses and were supportive, giving me space while being there when I wanted to talk. In a way it helped me to know that it wasn't just me, that early losses are very common and it wasn't something I'd done.

I remember DH saying insensitive things at the time but looking back I think he was trying to help, whilst dealing his own feelings. I remember planting a white rose bush, to honour the baby that didn't make it, the one we will never meet. The bush is huge and thriving now and it gives me joy to see it. Above all what helped me was to give myself time and space and permission to feel everything.

Big hug to you @Babyhopes97
I've been there and found it an incredibly isolating and upsetting time. It changes your outlook and everything you are feeling is normal and valid as a result of your plans and dreams being upended.
Try and take time to yourself and also time together. Be kind to yourself and rest but also get out in the fresh air and keep a bit of routine to let you focus on other things each day. It does get easier.
The clinical / medical side of it can be hard to process but what is important that you focus on yourself and on being as healthy as you can for when you're ready to try again.
Take care

Your body carries part of your babies genetics so they never actually leave you. They will forever be with you.

To @Spraylatter who posted the above, thank you. I've lost five babies and I found this comment a huge comfort.

Those babies are very much at the forefront of my mind at present. I am coming off anti-coagulant medication after 6 months following 2 pulmonary emboli and a DVT clot, and have just had a battery of blood tests to ensure I am safe to remain off the drug. Apparently the only reason this concern has arisen is because of my history of repeat miscarriage. It's opened the door again to a past series of losses I've been resolutely trying not to think about.

OP, sending you positivity and empathy. It hurts so much that this is a hidden grief, and that people will run in the opposite direction with their eyes closed rather than listen to you talk about it. I've lost count of the number of times such discussions have been shut down with the admonition that 'this sort of thing should be kept private'.

Talk about your baby, your hopes and dreams for them that have now been lost.
Another thing that always helps me is that every year, on the 'Wave of Light' evening in October occurring midway through baby loss awareness week, I light five candles in their memory. For just that one hour of the year it makes me feel a little less alone.

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry you're going through this. Give yourself space and time to heal in whatever way you need to. For me, I took 3 weeks off work and I booked a holiday. I focussed on planning things for the future. I drank a lot of wine. It was really difficult.

There came a time though after about 2 months when I was ready to let it go. I remember we were on the beach and I had this pebble in my hand and I held it and cried and cried. And then it felt like it was time to start healing. I tossed it into the sea. My now 5 year old ds was conceived that week. That's not to say that yes, another baby will make it fine for you. But it was incredibly healing to get pregnant again (I'm conscious not everyone has it that easy), and looking back now, 6 years ago, I feel absolutely no sadness about it. That wasn't to say it wasn't sad. It was incredibly sad. But I wouldn't have the life I have and the children I have now if that really sad, horrible thing hadn't happened. I feel peace with it now.

You will make some peace with it eventually, but it is a loss and a grief and yes, it can stir up all sorts of things for you. It's early days still, so just take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do.

It doesn't help everyone, but what helped me was the knowledge of how normal it is. Shit, but very very normal. Of the women I know well enough to know for sure, far more of us have had a miscarriage than not. We all went on to have healthy children. Seeing it as a normal, if rotten, part of TTC helped me, and I view my MMC as a bump in the road to having my DC who followed.

So sorry for your loss, it is so hard and it's impossible to not make all those plans when you're in early pregnancy stages so you feel like you've lost so much.
Many of us on MN have been through this also and can completely understand. Please be assured that most go on to have healthy pregnancies, I myself had 4 miscarriages where I'd seen the baby's heartbeat only to find they had died. I also had half a dozen or so positive pregnancy tests but miscarried even before I'd had a scan but did have two successful pregnancies and they're amazing, and you will get this.
So I'd be inclined to make this sone how, we used to let a helium balloon go on the day they should have been born, makes me sad still but life does have its bad sides, but just remember the good sides will come - good luck

So sorry @Babyhopes97 I have had two miscarriages myself so really relate to how you are feeling.

Come on over to the Miscarriage/Pregnancy loss section as there is a support thread for people who have recently experienced a miscarriage and lots of us who can relate to your experience