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Original poster

10 year old body image

28 replies

Blurghy · 02/03/2023 20:38

How do I help my kid feel better about her body? She doesn’t like her red hair, thinks her feet are weird and is convinced she is fat (which she definitely isn’t). She is comparing herself a lot to other kids and is very sensitive to cultural messages around what people ‘should’ look like. This is despite me always being very careful not to be negative about my looks or talk about dieting etc.

I talk about all bodies being different, being kind to yourself etc but she doesn’t really buy it. Has anyone experienced this and what helped? The thing I worry about most is it turning into an eating disorder one day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blurghy · 02/03/2023 20:59

…

OP posts:
Original poster
Blurghy · 02/03/2023 21:27

Anyone..? Bumping so I don’t get lost.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2023 21:28

What's she watching? I think 90% of this comes from media first. And we let them watch films and cartoons where girls and women are horrible caricatures.

Dacadactyl · 02/03/2023 21:30

Does she have access to the Internet unsupervised?

Does she have insta, Snapchat or tiktok? I'd say at 10 there is NO WAY she is emotionally equipped to deal with any of them. So get rid of them if she does.

Do you read magazines with celebrities, models, a focus on looks etc? If so, bin them.

Dacadactyl · 02/03/2023 21:32

Also, do you ever leave the house looking like you are slumming it? E.G without make up, hair back and joggers on.

SleepyRooster · 02/03/2023 21:45

Consistent messages from you. "Character is what counts, kindness, hard work etc, not silly stuff about appearance "

Be groomed and clean rather than prettiness messaging

Not many mirrors in the house

I even teach basic feminism at that age . Ie patriarchal society wants you to waste time staring in the mirror, be smarter than that, Not too heavy! But ... it is a rabbit hole, and it's fair to warn her about that

Original poster
Blurghy · 03/03/2023 06:51

Thanks. She is not online at all and I am pretty scruffy. I think it all comes from comparison with peers and somehow she’s picked up this idea that red hair=bad; thin =good. I think I’ll have a go at the feminist message and see if that hits home.

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Beamur · 03/03/2023 06:59

Poor kid.
Have a good, realistic chat. We are more than our appearance and I bet she's a perfectly normal child.
I have a red haired DD and luckily she loves her hair. It's very much part of her 'brand'. Has she been teased? Yes, but finds it all a bit feeble and it slides off her.
Self esteem is really helpful - does she do any sports, hobbies? Having a strong, capable body pushes back against the thin myth.

FrancescaContini · 03/03/2023 07:05

Switch off the Wi-Fi, throw away her phone and get her busy and active so she focuses outwards on what she enjoys doing rather than inwards on herself. Compliment her on achievements rather than on appearance.

MisgenderedSwan · 03/03/2023 07:49

Does she have any clubs she enjoys or play any sports. I talk a lot with my dc about how strong and healthy their bodies and about balance to fuel their bodies properly but also enjoy treats. How special they are because of their musical/maths/gymnastics/tennis skills. How important it is to be kind and respectful.

I also make a point of complimenting people, especially in their eye sight. So I might say to one of their friends 'I saw your artwork in the classroom, I can tell you worked really hard on that!' Or 'I love how kind you were letting that little kid go first even though it was your turn'. For my dc I compliment behaviours and effort rather than achievement and looks.

Does she enjoy clothes shopping? I found my 11yo enjoyed choosing her own new clothes and wears them with more confidence than anything I pick.

midgemadgemodge · 03/03/2023 07:54

Famous red haired people ? Ed Sheeran

And also talk about how we discover that some people we initially like aren't always nice people , how people who are insecure can pick on people who are different- there may be an element of low level bullying - she might feel bad because if what others are saying to her

Original poster
Blurghy · 03/03/2023 09:19

It’s odd because we have never talked about looks. We always talk about things like determination, kindness etc. We have done everything ‘right’ but she still seems to judge herself harshly. She doesn’t have any confidence but I have no idea why or how to help her beyond continuing to reassure.

OP posts:
Beamur · 03/03/2023 11:32

You can't completely insulate your kids from other people's opinions and influence however.
Just keep talking and be mindful of negative influences.
Is this coming from friends if her online activity is minimal?

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 11:33

Get her to watch Brave.

Red hair is beautiful.

Original poster
Blurghy · 03/03/2023 12:03

@Beamur I think it’s coming from friends, family, books everywhere. She only has to hear one slightly negative comment about fatness or read about an unpleasant red-head in a book and she immediately takes the negativity on board. She is very perceptive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blurghy · 03/03/2023 12:05

But I don’t think there’s any one influence I can get rid of. I guess she’s just sensitive and picking up on our cultural norms around hair, body shape etc.

OP posts:
Beamur · 03/03/2023 13:19

One thing I noticed and pointed out to my resident red head is how very often the red haired girl is the most popular way of depicting girls in literature and advertising.
You just have to keep countering it. Red hair is unusual - something like 2% of people have red hair. So you will always stand out. High school will be a trying time. It's a quick and lazy way to tease and she will get teased. My DD goes one further and has short hair, so stands out even more. She regularly gets called Ed Sheeran which she's heard so many times now it really fails to have any impact!

sixfoot · 03/03/2023 13:22

I think you are doing well but makes sure you REALLY also model your own high self esteem / self worth. They pick up on this, we teach them how to behave /respond with the way we do.

Zola1 · 03/03/2023 13:29

We do a lot A LOT of focus on food is fuel to help your body do amazing things, food is fuel to help your brain function so you can learn etc. We don't use fat or thin, and we talk about being strong and healthy. We don't ever comment on anyone's size or shape and I've always tried very hard to put the focus on how incredible our bodies are and all the fantastic things we can do. When she came home from school talking about fat, we reframed it and talked about powerful, strong, fit etc. How everyone's bodies are different because we all have different genetics and the most important thing is we put the right fuel into the machine that is our body. We talk about how fast we can run, how high she can jump, all the incredible flips and somersaults she can do because her body is healthy and strong (she's a trampolinist ha).
I'm a gym lover and so is my partner, she sees us making sure we eat enough rather than trying to diet etc

LSSG · 03/03/2023 14:09

Beamur · 03/03/2023 06:59

Poor kid.
Have a good, realistic chat. We are more than our appearance and I bet she's a perfectly normal child.
I have a red haired DD and luckily she loves her hair. It's very much part of her 'brand'. Has she been teased? Yes, but finds it all a bit feeble and it slides off her.
Self esteem is really helpful - does she do any sports, hobbies? Having a strong, capable body pushes back against the thin myth.

So far dd is the same, we've made her hair her 'thing'. Maybe some gorgeous role models too, Sadie Sink, Cintia Dicker, etc. do dread her getting to the age where annoying men start shouting stuff out though 😒

SleepyRooster · 03/03/2023 18:51

Dr Hannah Fry - my dd is in awe of her

Nottodaysausage · 03/03/2023 19:19

I think it might be that you are avoiding the looks topic altogether?

Aesthetics, looks, art etc are all an important part of any young persons life. It's fine to call your children gorgeous as well as kind / brave / smart.

My dd had a bit of a wobble last year (same age) and we ended up leaning into it, getting interested in fashion, different looks, trends, interior design etc, being creative making mood boards and looking up different cultures like kawaii girls /indie core etc.
Her confidence has grown huuuugely as a result.
Shes gained a coolness from studying what makes her feel confident.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/03/2023 19:31

SleepyRooster · 02/03/2023 21:45

Consistent messages from you. "Character is what counts, kindness, hard work etc, not silly stuff about appearance "

Be groomed and clean rather than prettiness messaging

Not many mirrors in the house

I even teach basic feminism at that age . Ie patriarchal society wants you to waste time staring in the mirror, be smarter than that, Not too heavy! But ... it is a rabbit hole, and it's fair to warn her about that

You are straying heavily into misogyny @SleepyRooster - there’s nothing wrong with taking an interest in your appearance, it’s normal for either sex, just dismissed as ‘silly’ because it’s associated with women.

It’s not realistic to expect tweens and teens not to be interested in what they look like, it’s part of our wiring and a normal part of sexual development. If you dismiss it as silly you are going to lower a teen girl’s self esteem, not bolster it.

It is of course important to point out that other things matter more - but other than that OP, I would focus on working with her so she likes what she sees in the mirror. SM makes life really tough now, but in the other hand, there are much more varied looks about.

There are loads of gorgeous redheads a
around, I’d pull some images with her buy her a few nice t shirts in colours that suit her and a good haircut.

SleepyRooster · 03/03/2023 19:38

Patriarchal society expects women to be visual objects first. One can try to minimise that omnipresent expectation, a bit.

Don't see what's misogynist about that?!

Hatsforbats · 03/03/2023 20:00

SleepyRooster · 02/03/2023 21:45

Consistent messages from you. "Character is what counts, kindness, hard work etc, not silly stuff about appearance "

Be groomed and clean rather than prettiness messaging

Not many mirrors in the house

I even teach basic feminism at that age . Ie patriarchal society wants you to waste time staring in the mirror, be smarter than that, Not too heavy! But ... it is a rabbit hole, and it's fair to warn her about that

There can be a balance though. My mum had similar views when I was a kid, I was aware the entire world judges people on their appearance- kids pick that up really young- the messaging is everywhere.
But my very well meaning mum always brushed off my self conciousness with "looks dont matter, its about your character and being a good and kind person that matters". Which is true but as a selfconsious pre teen it didn't help.

It didn't stop me being self concious or aware of the importance placed on my appearance, but it did make me feel stupid and embarassed for caring about it. Because it wasn't "clever or sensible" to hate how my knobbly knees looked in a skirt, so I wasn't just lanky and awkward I must also be vapid and vain to still care. I also thought that I must be really ugly if even my mum couldn't say I looked pretty. I thought she was just really tactfully trying to make me feel better about being hideous.

I've seen pictures of myself as a preteen- I wasn't ugly at all- just painfully self consious and uncomfortable. I wish I had felt like looks didn't matter and could have been happy being clever or kind, but I also wish my Mum would have told me I was pretty. Both are nice. It's nice to instill that other things are important too - and also nice to tell her that her red hair is gorgeous and her smile is beautiful and whatever she happens to be wearing you think she looks fabulous.