Do I sacrifice my job? Not sure what to do?

[SamSmithsGoldenShower]

Back story: I have struggled with developing my career for my whole adult life. I have a university degree, have always worked for large well known global companies, but due to lack of confidence, business acumen, lack of initiative, inability to prioritise & go above and beyond I never excelled or progressed in my roles. I stayed in each for 4+ years, but just kind of ticked along struggling and doing the minimum while I watched my co-workers excel, earn promotions, move across brands / new areas of the business, and take on senior roles. I felt so down about myself. I always wondered what was wrong with me and why I had to work 10x harder to achieve a fraction of what they did.

Fast forward many years and it turns out I have ADHD. 

This explains so much. I started medication in the summer and since then it has made a MASSIVE difference in my productivity and confidence. About a year and a half ago I took a side step and moved into a new role in a new department within the same company. I was floundering in my previous role. Upon moving into the new role I was moved down a job grade (I really had no choice - it was that or leave the business) but my pay stayed the same. My pay is crap compared to almost everyone else I know given their age, experience and etc. I make approx £32k (less 20% because I only work 4 days a week after our second child was born) and live down south.

Here's my issue: my husband is very bitter at the fact that I do not make 'enough' money. He runs his own business from home and brings in £100k+ He often mentions how X's wife is only 32 (I'm 40) and makes £65k, or points out I make the same salary as a 25yr old. (I've taken home the same pay for roughly 15years) He's annoyed that my income doesn't 'make a dent' towards our living costs, and 'everything is on him'.

I am really doing well in my career with the help of my ADHD medication now and have found a role that I love and am excelling in. My boss and team are always praising me for how well I'm doing, and I'm actively trying to develop my role so I can progress into a more senior role with better pay within my company. Ideally I would like to gain enough skills that I would feel confident that I could hold my own and excel in a similar senior role in another company and hopefully move up in pay again.

My role requires me to be in the office / or at another location when needed. This could be 0 days a week for 1-2 weeks and then 2-4 days another week. Every week can be different. Very occasionally overnight travel is required. Maybe 1-2 nights every few months. One of the things my ADHD self loves about my job is that there's always a new project on the go and I'm kept on my toes working on / leading exciting projects. This can mean that more falls on my husband to manage if I'm not home. So while he works for himself running his business and he ultimately answers to himself he deals with supplier calls, paperwork and the general running of the business. He is also very hands on with the children and does morning drop-off's / pickups for one (sometimes both) while I do the other. I am often on calls during the afternoon pickup so he does those more frequently than I do.

He is always getting frustrated with me saying I need to make more money, but basically expects me to either quit and walk into an external role at double my current salary, or that I can somehow just demand a pay rise at work and get a significant amount (like 50% more) without putting in the effort or proving my worth and that I deserve it. Essentially he wants me to make at least 50%+ more income without putting in any additional work. When I explain to him that the work I'm doing and projects I'm working on will hopefully contribute to some career progression (my boss is well aware that I want to progress and move up a grade) he's not accepting of it and says it takes away from his ability to run his business.

Some of his issues with my role are really quite silly. He can find an issue with EVERYTHING and will always tie it back and justifies his anger to the fact my pay is shit.

I feel like I'm not explaining this very well. But an example from this evenings argument was when I reminded him that I had to be in the office next week the same day he is meant to be out all day for work. We only have 1 car so I was hoping he could drop me off on his way. When I raised this he flipped out at me and claimed he didn't realise I would be at work the same day / time he needed to be. He did know. It's on the calendar and I've discussed it with him. I explained I would need to be in the office by 9:30am to meet a senior stakeholder who was visiting from overseas. He threw this back in my face saying that I'd ruined his plans and he would have to cancel them because we would need someone to pick up the children and then started yelling saying that the senior stakeholder I was due to meet probably didn't even make £150k-£200k a year (seriously why does it matter?) I tried to tell him that he didn't have to cancel his plans and that I could be flexible on the time I returned home, but I needed to be there by 9:30am. He said it just wasn't possible for him to do a drop off and then rush home and get ready and leave the house again. Said my office is too much of a detour for him (it's only a 15 min detour). I told him it wasn't as big a deal he was making it out to be and that I will take the train both ways and would be home to collect the children).

I know this is long. I'm sorry! I just don't know what to do. He puts me down and gets angry and says that I give off the impression to everyone we know that my job is really prestigious and that my job title implies I'm very senior and make a lot of money so people think I earn more and contribute more to the family than I do. He gets me so down and makes me feel so shit about me wanting to work to advance my career so that I can bring in more income, contribute more and hopefully not be so reliant on him for covering the costs of things I spend / want to spend on for myself I don't know what to do. Do I give up my career and just look for something simple and basic. He says I make as much as a supermarket worker, but even if I gave up my current job which would mean no overnight travel, and went to work at a basic job like in a supermarket I would still be required to be out of the house everyday with less flexibility than my current job. It's a lose lose situation. Basically he wants me to be able to work from home, double my salary and have lots of flexibility and be able to drop what I'm doing at a moments notice to accommodate him.

What do I do!?!?

We have the usual mortgage, bills and monthly payments, but not immensely in debt or anything. I am not good with finances though, and am very forgetful with the details of payments and everything no matter how many times I'm told what they are so he deals with most of that stuff. 🫤

I completely agree, and I know this is going against the majority.

I’m not saying how he is speaking to you and going about the frustrations he has is right -
It really isn’t, from what you have mentioned about how he speaks/has spoken to you now and in the past sounds like a whole other problem which maybe underlying your whole marriage.

Although currently it’s his job that is paying for the majority of things you say you enjoy, yet he’s having to accommodate all of your meetings etc by cancelling & re-arranging his own schedule, plus doing most of the household/childcare responsibilities on top of that too.

There seems an imbalance here.

I think if you were more flexible with work and helped out more with household duties instead of expecting him to drop everything for a meeting (when you know it might clash, especially if you know beforehand you won’t have access to the car etc) and do the school runs etc too, when his salary is the one that’s contributing to the majority of the overall income, is in my opinion unreasonable.

If for some reason your current job is not flexible regarding childcare maybe you should be looking for something more suitable as they should offer some kind of flexibility knowing you have children. Good luck

Sadly, I can 100% relate to this. It's like we're the same person.

This ^^

You’ve said he is abusive - abusers do not like to feel they are losing control. Considering taking a simpler job to appease him is playing right into his hands. Try to block out the noise, keep quiet about/downplay any success at work if you feel it’ll help shield you from his incessant anger and resentment.

Stick to your plan to succeed in your current role and build up your financial independence as much as possible. Take great comfort from the positive feedback you get at work (your husband clearly isn’t going to give you any).

Highly recommend reading Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (download on kindle app and don’t let him know about it). It sounds as though your already making a plan to leave somewhere in the back of your mind…

good luck xx

I do get his frustrations with me, so I do try and give him the benefit of the doubt and don't disregard the fact that he does help out a lot with the children. But I take care of the bedtimes, and cooking, so I'm not completely useless in that regard. I think he just feels that the jobs with the children that take him out of the house are of more value than the ones that keep me in the house (watching the younger child while the older is at a lesson with my husband), or him standing out in the cold for a longer football match while at the same time I'm at an indoor activity with our younger one.

The youngest very occasionally goes to after school club, but he doesn't want to pay for it - even if it's 1-2 days a week.

I do all of the cooking, and we have a cleaner which makes things much easier.

With regards to moving companies, ultimately that is what I would like to do. But I am in a new-ish role that I started out in with no experience, so I am still learning the ropes on the job and trying to do as much as I can to learn more and develop my role so that I can move on to an external company. But right now I really don't have the experience (and confidence) to be able to say - here I am, hire me for £45-65k and I'll do an amazing job. Because I honestly don't have the experience. I'm basically still in the early stages of a new career path.

Not your ex as we've been married forever, but they could be twins!!

I also believe both of my children had ADHD / potentially autism but he refuses to accept that and will not allow me to look into it. It turns into a massive argument every time I bring it up. I would like to save up enough money to get my oldest a private diagnosis. They've even told me they think they have ADHD and asked me 'not to tell dad' 😔

Yes a similar situation, except I am like you where I have a boss to and a corporate job to report to. I have been forced out of a previous role before when I was unaware I had ADHD and it really took a tole on me.

I understand and appreciate he does a hell of a lot and is flexible and works around his business. I do get that. But I feel like he fails to understand that my job does not allow for the same flexibility. What would happen then if I start to flounder and lost my job and my 'shitty income'

Wow. You are much nicer than me.

If your DH was my DH I'd have told him to go fuck himself.

I'm older than you, just retired in fact, and I'm another who never really fulfilled my potential career wise, despite a degree from a top university and thought of as a high achiever.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 50s. I never even managed to earn a quarter of what my husband did in his career, and had difficulty settling in jobs, problems with bullying at work, and lack of confidence and self esteem. Not once did my husband ever criticise me for my patchy work record. He was always supportive, always my cheerleader when the promotion had again gone to someone else.

My diagnosis changed things for the better somewhat, but came too late to make a long term difference in my career. But my husband loves me for who I am. He always says he never defines a person by what their job is.

You have a husband problem. He is cruel and disrespectful to you. He doesn't seem to like you very much does he? I'd say he's been a major part of your problems, and I'd be wondering if I would be better off without his criticism and negativity.

Whatever you do , do not give up your career. Maybe consider moving to a different company, look out for opportunities for promotion but do not let DH undermine you.
It sounds like you are doing really well and the diagnosis and medication for ADHD has been life changing.
Its quite common for more senior roles to have more flexibility and more so when you work for yourself.
You communicated the day you had to go into the office, wrote it in the calendar and then he forgot, that's on him, not on you but you've jumped through his hoops to fix it so it doesn't impact him.
Sounds like he wants a stay at home wife so he doesn't have to do any childcare etc but equally wants you to earn a massive wage.
Won't cut both ways and my guess is he will never be happy.
He sounds that he is constantly belittling you, that's not a healthy Ioving relationship and isn't a great example for your DC. Sounds like its controlling and abusive tbh.
I do wonder how you afford private schools etc,we have similar family income and couldn't manage it, ( unless he's earning a lot more than 100k)
Do you think he has hidden debt /money problems that he's hiding from you and thats why he's snappy?
I can see why he feels financially it mainly falls on him but it's often the case one partner earns more than the other and most people don't behave like your DH.
100k is a difficult salary to achieve. And whatever your earnings whether is a minimum wage job or a 100k job employers still expect you to work hard and be available during working hours.
Maybe sorting out before or after school care will ease the burden although clearly this will cost more, or have set pattern of days for pick up/ drop offs that only change when one of you has a specfic meeting etc.
But I think the botto¹m line is that you have a DH problem not a work problem

You're explaining it perfectly well OP. Your husband is a tosser and is treating you appallingly. So you're financially incompatible? He's got two choices then - accept you as you are or divorce. It's not as if you're lazy, you have a health condition FFS. This is why these serious conditions are referred to as disabilities, because they impact people's lives in negative ways. You're doing your best. If that's not good enough for him, then he needs to fuck off. Stop explaining and justifying yourself to him, tell him he's being unreasonable and you expect it to stop. If it doesn't stop, divorce him yourself. It's no way to live, constantly being berated for being who you are.

@SamSmithsGoldenShower hope you are doing ok. I'm not fishing for an update, you were just randomly in my thoughts and I know how shite and lonely your current situation can be. Unmumsnetty hugs and all that.

Nope, don’t leave your job. Your dh sounds like he will never be happy. Some people just love to complain. You blood need that time away from him. I would be distancing mysrlf from dh too.

Why don't you just choose to spend less as a couple?

Your DH sounds like a horrible man who doesn't like or respect you.