12YO DS has voiced suicidal thoughts

[Rolypops]

Last night 12YO DS told DH and I that he sometimes feels like he wants to die - both because he feels sad and hates the way he looks. This was after an hour long argument about him lying to our faces about something ridiculous (helping himself to sweets at midnight the night before) and I honestly just do not know how to tackle it. Since DS started secondary we've noticed a real change in his behaviour. He has become manipulative and lies about almost everything (even things he has no reason to lie about). He also takes advantage of my disability to get away with doing things he shouldn't and never wants to spend time with us at all. He has grown closer to two friends who are not the best behaved and after reading through his WhatsApp conversations its become clear that the friendships are quite toxic, though DS loves these kids and I know if we keep him at the same secondary he will still hang around with them - though I know that ultimately DS is responsible for his own behaviour.

DS also came out as gay over Christmas and though he has always been effeminate he seems to be really struggling with body image and fitting in, all his friends are girls and though DS has said he has no issues with gender dysphoria he still wants to be very feminine, wear mascara etc and gets upset with me for voicing any concerns about bullying, etc, as we live in a really narrow minded little village.

DH is convinced it was a manipulation tactic and thinks talking to the GP would be an over reaction at the moment, but my feeling is whenever a child voices these sorts of thoughts they should be taken seriously. I am so worried and I handled it absolutely terribly last night to be honest and feel really ashamed of myself as instead of offering sympathy I got scared and acted angrily. I've apologised to him for this and explained why I reacted that way but it was probably one of my worst moments as a mother. DS is a wonderful, clever and beautiful boy and I just feel like the worst bloody mother in the world and need to figure out how to get things back on track for him.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

The first thing I would say is stop beating yourself up. Although unpleasant for him of course it was also a huge shock for you to hear and it sounds like it’s been a stressful time for you all. In your shoes I would take him to the GP or access some talking therapy asap, be there for him in all the ways you can and consider moving schools if the environment seems to be affecting him so negatively.

Thanks for your reply. The issue is that DS actually really loves his school, and got really upset when I suggested moving him to be away from his friend group.

Take this outpouring as a reset.

Find a space in the house, on a walk, wherever and say, I'm listening talk to me baby.

Reassure that nothing is worth taking your life for, that difficulties always, always, always pass.

Coming out as gay now is not how it was when we were young adults. The world has changed.

And tell him your concerns, not all at once, but simple one by one steps. Explain he might become a target on the pavement, that he might have to take a bit more care than someone who blends into a crowd. But he needs to follow his path. It will be a bit bumpy.

Open up honest, gentle, loving communication again.

Explain the toxic nature of friendships as you see it. But listen he might be able to explain more about his peers than you think.

One step at a time for all of you

Make a favourite bake at the weekend.

After speaking to DS about it again last night in a calmer way he is adamant he doesn't want to talk to anyone about this yet and has said its mainly because of how he looks. I'm taking him on a shopping trip on Saturday and to get his hair done for a bit of a confidence boost and we're going to monitor him a lot closer. If things haven't improved by Easter I think we will look into a private counselling service for him, maybe one with experience with lgbtq+ kids as I just feel really out of my depth.

I'm just so blindsided. Things have been difficult with him but I thought he was happy.

We are going through similar with my 16 YR old, tho also with some gender dysphoria. It's been very distressing. We were lucky to have access to a school counsellor but then have seen another one via a charity - neither of whom really helped. Be wary of thinking that going private cuts the wait - after 7 months we have finally found a therapist who would accept him. Most have closed waiting lists. Child mental health services basically don't exist anymore 😞