Hi all, please don’t think I’m fishing for sympathy because I’m really not. I have recently been doing a course regarding children and anxiety, challenging behaviours etc. My son is autistic and has anxiety.
but a lot of it is ringing true with me rather than him. This week childhood traumas were talked about. I don’t think my sons has many traumas but I left the course feeling triggered myself.
I am also starting counselling myself soon because my mental health hasn’t been in a good place. I am unable to speak to my family about my own trauma as they down play it, make it about themselves etc. I think they think I cannot remember most of it as I rarely talk about my childhood.
I am also saving up for an autism assessment for myself as the nhs waiting lists are huge, I am seen as functioning and often get dismissed.
I will try and keep this short. I wasn’t regularly physically abused, although I do remember my mother hitting me a few times, she was however very emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. We were clean, fed and had toys etc, I did okay in school etc, which kind of hid the real issues. Home life was chaotic with no routine or consistency. My mother often stayed in bed, we were often late for school, often at weekends we’d fend for ourselves. I knew about things that kids my then age shouldn’t have known about.
I witnessed abuse. This was between my mother and her then husband when I was 4/5, I do remember some of it, he was also an alcoholic. I remember leaving the house at nighttime to walk to my grandparents.
I also witnessed other abuse from a male relative in my mums family who I seen a lot as he lived at my grandparents. I witnessed him being violent towards his pregnant girlfriend at the time, violent towards my grandparents and other relatives. This relative also had a drink problem, getting into trouble, going to prison and I was made to visit every week, as my mother visited every week.
one of my earliest memories is being in a bedroom at my grandparents, I believe I was staying there the night with my mum, the room was pitch dark and I was in the room on my own, everyone was screaming and arguing outside the room, I was crying and screaming for someone to come and get me out the room or put the light on - I’ve always been scared of the dark. My grandparents house is a scary Victorian house which didn’t help. My grandparents are the most kind hearted people you could meet however, however there would always be a drama with one of their kids. I practically lived at grandparents, a lot of it is happy memories, some bad. So it’s not all bad.
I remember police being called and turning up etc.
I could never ask my mum or anyone about it all as I was just told ‘not to worry about it’.
my mother went through a party animal stage. I’m all for mums going out and letting their hair down but it was 3-4 nights a week, she’d bring random men home, strangers, could have been serial killers home, and we’d meet them in the mornings. She once brought back a load of her friends and a load of men and I woke up to find two people having sex in my room.
often my 13 year old neighbour would babysit, sometimes my mum wasn’t home until the mornings and my neighbour would be getting us ready for school, even though she should have been herself. I’m still friends with this neighbour now, she has a lot of trauma herself, much worse than that I’ve been through but we don’t talk of it much.
My mother calmed down somewhat when she met and married my stepdad, whom she’s still with now but it wasn’t easy. They are very passionate, they go from extremely loved up to screaming at each other. They both have/had problems with alcohol. My stepdad gets nicer when he drinks, my mother turns nasty with drink.
I never had my bio dad around but found out my friend was my half sister as my bio dad had impregnated two women at the same sort of time.
my stepdad was emotionally abusive to me in my teens. I feel like my mother sided with him.
there’s lots more. I don’t want to bore you all.
is this something counselling can help with?
I am a functioning adult, I am not a perfect mum but I try my best, total opposite to my mother. I don’t want to live in the past and let it effect me but I feel it does with friendships, parenting and my own relationship with long term DP. I am totally t-total as I’ve never witnessed anyone in my family have a healthy relationship with alcohol. It was either totally sober or wasted with them.
the course I’ve completed this week has really triggered me and brought up past issues that truthfully are always in the back of my mind.
I am sorry this is long, I am sorry that I’ve babbled, I am sorry if this is not appropriate for mumsnet. Even if get no replies, it’s made me feel better writing it all down.
my problem is I strive for perfection in my own family life and if we ever have a disagreement or fall out I feel like a terrible mother and have a massive sense of guilt I’m not doing enough! I’ve always wanted a perfect family that I can call my own but real life isn’t like that!