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Original poster

Am I a big party pooper?

32 replies

Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 16:45

I am being made to feel like I am and as I’m quite emotional about it I can’t work out if I am or not!

For context, I have some long standing digestive issues which have been in flare up the last few years. I am under a London hospital, following quite a restrictive diet atm. Eating isn’t really a pleasure for me and food/eating often triggers my symptoms so after a meal I usually have to sit with a hot water bottle or lay until I feel better and sometimes I need the toilet quite quickly afterwards (sorry if that’s tmi). Sadly, this means eating out isn’t much fun either, I have eaten in a restaurant approx twice in the last 3 years and before that I’ve had a few occasions where I have had to come home from a meal as I’ve felt poorly (that’s not much fun, leaving people to dine alone). So I chose not to eat out atm.

Anyways, back to the original question.

I am 50 in a few weeks time. My dad, who is fully aware of my gut issues (but frequently dismisses it!) has decided that the family should all go for a big meal to celebrate. That would be 9 of us all together.

I have said thanks for the offer but I really don’t want this
a) because due to my issues I can not guarantee from day to day how I will feel and obviously eating out just isn’t a pleasure for me right now because of how I feel after eating and how restrictive my diet currently is (not much fun eating boiled potatoes and grilled chicken when everyone else is tucking into gorgeous food) and
b) my dad has stated that this celebratory meal will be my birthday present. That seems a bit off to me, not because of the money side of things, I haven’t asked for anything for my birthday and don’t expect it but the idea this meal will be my gift when around £10-£15 of the bill will be what I have consumed and everyone else will scoff the rest is a bit of a blow for me.

I have suggested we all spend an afternoon in one of the many cosy country pubs in our area, we can have a chat and a laugh, have a few drinks and if anyone wishes to order some bar food then great and no pressure for me to have to sit and have to watch everyone eat a 3 course as we would do in a restaurant setting.

Dad says this is a crap idea because we are not a family of alcohol drinkers so sitting in a pub is pointless. I’ve said well pubs serve all kinds of beverages and we don’t have to sit and get legless just because it’s a pub!

So I then suggested a nice garden centre cafe. Have been told that’s a shit idea too!

So it seems that it’s MY birthday but apparently I don’t have a say in anything.

Does that make me this big ole party pooper that my dad and now my dsis seem to suggest I am?

OP posts:
AuntieDolly · 01/03/2023 16:48

I think they are being very mean not considering what you would like or be able to do

Dzogchen · 01/03/2023 16:58

Definitely not a party pooper. Completely understandable that a big celebratory meal would be a duff ‘present’, and you’ve been more than accommodating in your suggestions.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/03/2023 17:00

Does that make me this big ole party pooper that my dad and now my dsis seem to suggest I am?

Of course it doesn't. You want to celebrate your birthday but you're being told how you want to celebrate your birthday isn't what your DF and DS want to do so you can't? and what happens if you don't go to this dinner? no b'day present, presumably.

Have they always trampled over you like this? DF and DSis sound rather unpleasant people.

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pawz · 01/03/2023 17:00

I think you'd only be a party pooper in that situation if it was someone else's party - as it's your 50th that's a really crappy present tbh and your dad sounds unsupportive at best.

Overthebow · 01/03/2023 17:03

I thought you were going to say it’s your dads birthday, but as it’s yours then no it should most definitely be arranged for something you want to do. It doesn’t sound like that will be much of a birthday party for you.

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 17:08

I was sat here this afternoon in tears thinking it was me, I was being a diva. Thank you all, that’s made me feel better.
I would love nothing more than to go for a big old blow out meal for my birthday but it would make me feel so poorly and sitting watching everyone else enjoying their food while I stick to my special diet seems a bit like rubbing salt into the wound. That’s what hurts the most I suppose and now I am the one feeling a pile of guilt on my shoulders because they want this and I don’t.
I can’t see why they just can’t go with my pub idea? It’s still getting out and having a little celebration.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 17:09

MrsDanversGlidesAgain my dad has always been a bit selfish tbh.

OP posts:
RunTowardsTheLight · 01/03/2023 17:11

You're not being a party pooper at all! It's your birthday so you get to choose.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/03/2023 17:11

Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 17:09

MrsDanversGlidesAgain my dad has always been a bit selfish tbh.

Dear OP - telling you that you're going to have to have a meal you don't want and that's your b'day present isn't 'a bit selfish.' It's a sign of someone who doesn't care about you, your comfort or your wishes one tiny little bit.

Have you anyone else you can celebrate with how YOU want?

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 17:15

I have my dh and teen dc MrsDanversGlidesAgain but we are a small family and my mum suffers from Alzheimer’s so I feel this guilt that they should celebrate my milestone birthday with me because we just don’t know how much longer we have before she forgets us all. That’s why I suggested the pub or nice garden centre cafe as an alternative. Mum thinks it is a great idea, she will go with any suggestion, bless her.

OP posts:
senua · 01/03/2023 17:16

Is there a compromise in having a meal but, instead of going to a restaurant, you have caterers come to your house? You then control the menu.

Keroppi · 01/03/2023 17:19

bypass him! thank him for the suggestions but research & book a nice pub/host a bbq or an experience (escape room, national trust etc something non food focused)

then send everyone the details or make a group chat and make it sound decided and final.

TheFlis12345 · 01/03/2023 17:24

Ask him why he is trying to pressure you into doing something that won’t be at all enjoyable for you on your birthday. Hopefully those simple terms will make him realise how selfish he is being.

Englishash · 01/03/2023 17:39

Just tell him 'thanks for the input. But I won't be there '

picklemewalnuts · 01/03/2023 17:58

Try being really blunt. Don't be ridiculous dad. Why would I want to watch you all tucking in, when I can't eat? How about we do something for my birthday that I'd enjoy? Whats the budget, I'll come up with some ideas!

Could do a boat trip? Mini golf? An art class/experience type thing?

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 18:12

I really want to go with my pub idea, just for a nice relaxed afternoon. Surely that’s not too much to ask is it? I just want a simple birthday but my dad is making such a fuss and now I putting a black cloud over my day and I’m being some boring, unreasonable arse who is ruining everyone else fun! Happy Birthday to me hey!?

OP posts:
Dzogchen · 01/03/2023 18:15

Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 18:12

I really want to go with my pub idea, just for a nice relaxed afternoon. Surely that’s not too much to ask is it? I just want a simple birthday but my dad is making such a fuss and now I putting a black cloud over my day and I’m being some boring, unreasonable arse who is ruining everyone else fun! Happy Birthday to me hey!?

Definitely not too much to ask. I quite often don’t drink, but cosy pubs with food for those who want it are lovely.

AloudAlot · 01/03/2023 18:18

Does that make me this big ole party pooper that my dad and now my dsis seem to suggest I am?

just say to them “you celebrate my birthday however you want then, I’ll celebrate the way I want”. Horrible of them to not be listening to you.

OhNoNotThatAgain · 01/03/2023 18:19

The man is a bully.

You're a grown-up and you don't have to do what your dad tells you to do any more.

EscapeTheCastle · 01/03/2023 18:24

Family trip to the Cinema (luxury ones) zoo, art gallery, theatre, anything but food.

Tell your dad firmly you are not having a meal out!

Liking the idea above that you have caterers do you a suitable meal for a family gathering.

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/03/2023 18:31

He doesn't really believe your condition is real.

Oldnproud · 01/03/2023 18:33

Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 17:08

I was sat here this afternoon in tears thinking it was me, I was being a diva. Thank you all, that’s made me feel better.
I would love nothing more than to go for a big old blow out meal for my birthday but it would make me feel so poorly and sitting watching everyone else enjoying their food while I stick to my special diet seems a bit like rubbing salt into the wound. That’s what hurts the most I suppose and now I am the one feeling a pile of guilt on my shoulders because they want this and I don’t.
I can’t see why they just can’t go with my pub idea? It’s still getting out and having a little celebration.

I'm not surprised you have been in tears over this, OP. I would be you in your position, in fact I feel quite upset about it on your behalf just reading about it.

What on earth are they thinking?
How on earth can they not see how ridiculous, not to mention hurtful, it is of them to think that something that would you wouldn't enjoy and that would almost certainly make you ill is a good birthday present for you.
They are making it all about what they want, even after you've told them how you feel and suggested a perfectly good alternative that would work for you. That is hurtful.

You are definitely not being a diva!

ichundich · 01/03/2023 18:35

Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 16:45

I am being made to feel like I am and as I’m quite emotional about it I can’t work out if I am or not!

For context, I have some long standing digestive issues which have been in flare up the last few years. I am under a London hospital, following quite a restrictive diet atm. Eating isn’t really a pleasure for me and food/eating often triggers my symptoms so after a meal I usually have to sit with a hot water bottle or lay until I feel better and sometimes I need the toilet quite quickly afterwards (sorry if that’s tmi). Sadly, this means eating out isn’t much fun either, I have eaten in a restaurant approx twice in the last 3 years and before that I’ve had a few occasions where I have had to come home from a meal as I’ve felt poorly (that’s not much fun, leaving people to dine alone). So I chose not to eat out atm.

Anyways, back to the original question.

I am 50 in a few weeks time. My dad, who is fully aware of my gut issues (but frequently dismisses it!) has decided that the family should all go for a big meal to celebrate. That would be 9 of us all together.

I have said thanks for the offer but I really don’t want this
a) because due to my issues I can not guarantee from day to day how I will feel and obviously eating out just isn’t a pleasure for me right now because of how I feel after eating and how restrictive my diet currently is (not much fun eating boiled potatoes and grilled chicken when everyone else is tucking into gorgeous food) and
b) my dad has stated that this celebratory meal will be my birthday present. That seems a bit off to me, not because of the money side of things, I haven’t asked for anything for my birthday and don’t expect it but the idea this meal will be my gift when around £10-£15 of the bill will be what I have consumed and everyone else will scoff the rest is a bit of a blow for me.

I have suggested we all spend an afternoon in one of the many cosy country pubs in our area, we can have a chat and a laugh, have a few drinks and if anyone wishes to order some bar food then great and no pressure for me to have to sit and have to watch everyone eat a 3 course as we would do in a restaurant setting.

Dad says this is a crap idea because we are not a family of alcohol drinkers so sitting in a pub is pointless. I’ve said well pubs serve all kinds of beverages and we don’t have to sit and get legless just because it’s a pub!

So I then suggested a nice garden centre cafe. Have been told that’s a shit idea too!

So it seems that it’s MY birthday but apparently I don’t have a say in anything.

Does that make me this big ole party pooper that my dad and now my dsis seem to suggest I am?

It sounds more like a present to themselves! I would be annoyed too and would make my intention of not attending clear to them.

NoSquirrels · 01/03/2023 18:36

Take your mum out for a lovely day somewhere you’ll enjoy. Let your dad and sister do what they want. Silly buggers. It’s not you, it’s them!

Original poster
Sixmonthcruise · 01/03/2023 18:53

Thank you everyone, you have made me feel better about this, that it’s not me being an awkward old bugger.
I would have something at mine but we haven’t long rescued a little dog and he is scared of people so a crowd in the house would set him back a bit.
MajorCarolDanvers he thinks I am a drama Queen and I exaggerate it. Like I really want to restrict my life down to the bare minimum!
Thank you Oldnproud

OP posts:
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