So lost and sad (TW: child abuse)

[TheEverlovingFork]

Hi all,

Long-time lurker here, driven to finally jump in and ask for some advice. I have a couple of things tearing me apart and I can't talk to anyone in real life about my feelings.

Last year before Xmas I had some surgery due to a chronic disease I now have nerve damage from, and I'm about to start new immune drugs, but I am dealing with feelings and symptoms around it and those are hard. I also have Covid right now and Im aware that might be making me feel more hopeless? I just feel like I've been punched hard and then again just as I was getting up.

One of the things upsetting me is how much of my childhood trauma seems to have resurfaced during this time, especially around womanhood. I was such a happy, girly little girl - I loved stereotypically pretty things and princesses and so on, I had long golden hair past my waist and only wore dresses. Then I have big memory gaps around my abusive father until my teens, where I was abused again by a local man. I started hiding myself behind very short hair and baggy clothes and substance abuse and never came out again. My mum is a good person in her own way but wasn't really cut out for the emotional side of motherhood if that makes sense, she couldn't cope with me if I had big emotions and couldn't cope at all when I was abused, in fact to be honest it only happened because I was so neglected in my early teens I was just left to be out on my own all day seeing whoever, I left school illegally at 13 and no once did anything, that's how I got involved with this local abuser and drugs. When I got my first period, mum just quizzed me about whether I'd been assaulted and then didn't speak about it again. Never bought tampons or anything, I learned about san-pro from school when they intervened because I was using napkins.

This is just to give an overall picture of how I didn't feel safe in my own femininity after a certain age I guess. There is a point to that, I promise!

Over the years I've tried to reconnect with that girly girl I used to adore being but I can't. I feel I look ridiculous, when I wear make-up I know everyone is thinking I look like a stupid clown. I hold myself wrong, in a dress I look like I'm in drag, like some awkward plain lump. Really graceless. I've even hit myself in the face in the bathroom before during a party once because I knew I was so ugly compared to all the real women. It's so dispiriting and I hate myself when I try and look 'pretty' because I know that's something reserved for other women. I think other women are really beautiful, and when I see a woman who looks happy in a lovely dress and is just...sparkling and radiating in that way they do, I'm just in awe really. It's like looking at a queen or something!!

My relationships are messed up as you might imagine and I go for really unavailable older guys. (I know I need more therapy for this stuff, believe me!!)

Anyway, I was just thinking about the summer and whether it would be stupid to even think about trying to heal this part of me again and they told me the new drugs will probably make my hair fall out, and for some reason it's just tipped me over the edge of everything about this situation just not being worth it. Like it is time to just retire into shapeless army trousers and resign myself to being alone and ugly and in chronic pain forever.

I know I probably need a kick in the butt but please be gentle with your toecaps as I am really fragile right now.

I can relate very well to you.
I totally understand you feeling ridiculous in clothes and it feeling like you are in drag.
I was sexually abused in childhood by a parent and they weren't well equipped emotionally either, it's horrible, isn't it?
If you want a solution, I'd highly recommend a psycho dynamic psycho analyst. They should be child trauma aware and have good knowledge about your condition.
I have dissociation and they were brilliant with me.
I was lucky enough to have mine on the NHS after a long wait but it was very much worth it.
My therapist described themselves as a clinical psychologist with psychodynamic which means depth work and will analyse your subconscious.
It is very difficult at times and you have to show your vulnerabilities as much as possible and be very honest.
I hope you find what you need xxxx

I'm so sorry. Have you ever reported this?

Thank you Boog. I'm glad you've fund something that helps x

Lousie - My father has been dead for years. I didn't report, but the local man is in jail for other drug offenses and abusing a different teen :(

I think you would benefit from some counselling so you can work through all this stuff thats bubbling away under the surface, including you anger at your mother.

This stood out to me: I hate myself when I try and look 'pretty' because I know that's something reserved for other women. I think other women are really beautiful, and when I see a woman who looks happy in a lovely dress and is just...sparkling and radiating in that way they do,

I believe that prettiness doesnt necessarily come from your bone structure or a pretty dress. Its the natural sparkle that people have. You dont have to be traditionally pretty to be beautiful. You need to believe you are beautiful in whatever you are wearing, whatever you are doing and you will radiate it too. You are beautiful and pretty. Dont compare yourself to anyone else and dont beat yourself up because you think other people are prettier or look better as I bet they dont.

It most certainly isnt reserved for other women x

Thank you Fishandchips - I know I do need more therapy around my feelings about mum and why she didn't try and protect me, it's all very complex as we get on so well now.

Maybe i phrased myself wrong, I know that dresses and so on aren't what make other women pretty, but there seems to be a naturalness, an ease in their skin that also translates into whatever they're wearing. They just have It you know? All other women seem to have star quality to my eyes. It all feels too late for me.

I agree that the sparkle doesn’t come from girly pretty things, my most attractive friend is by her own admission, a butch lesbian, but she is absolutely captivating. She walks in a room and people instantly fall for her, in her baggy checked shirts and with her cropped hair and zero makeup.

I think if you do some more therapy to help that inner child, your sparkle will come back.

I am so sad for you. I'm sure you look just lovely in whatever you wear. You know almost everyone else out there is feeling uncomfortable at times. You see people and think they look lovely and they could be doing the same of you. Please don't let the horrible experiences you had as a child steal your adulthood too x

It's not too late for you. Might be a bit of a weird example but do you remember how Camilla looked on her wedding day? She was so radiant it made people smile. She isn't traditionally 'pretty' and was no spring chicken either.

It's not too late for you to be whoever you want to be x

No advice OP but I’m so sorry you feel like you do and for everything you’ve been through 💐

I hope you have some real life support and wish you the best. Unmumsnetty hugs.

Thanks everyone, I wish I could snap out of this feeling of hopelessness, I think losing my health so rapidly before 40 has made me re-evaluate so much and I'm struggling to find solid ground under me right now. Realising I've still got so much work to do on my childhood trauma is just extra dispiriting right now.