Low self confidence, social awkwardness?

[PressureLikeADripDripDrip]

I’m going to try to articulate this. I’m wondering if anyone can relate..?

So I have struggled my whole life with low self esteem and low self confidence. Like, it’s so bad. I’m shy and assume that everyone finds me tiresome and/or is laughing at me behind my back. Perhaps they are.

One thing I really hate though, is that I never have the self confidence to do what I know is the right thing. Or the kind/nice thing.

Examples:
giving lifts. I’d be more than happy to give someone a lift. But I’m so self conscious about my driving and anxious about places I don’t know, that I can’t bring myself to do it.

funerals. Went to one recently. Couldn’t bring myself to look the bereaved husband in the eye or say anything, let my husband do all the talking. knew what I had to do. Couldn’t do it.

Other stuff like offering to babysit. Being a decent host. Comforting close people when they are worried or sad. I’m just a great big awkward mess, I never know the right thing to say or do (or if I do I’m too chicken shit and self conscious to follow it through)

no wonder people laugh at me behind my back or only tolerate me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get this. You kind of know what the right thing to do is but you're frozen and feel terrified to actually do it. In the end you just look and feel bad.

A couple of weeks ago I was in the co-op, not too far from the tills picking some lunch and I heard a couple of coins drop on the floor. I glanced and an elderly guy had dropped them whilst paying. My first feeling is panic, I'm not really sure how to react. He gets down to pick them up, a couple of other people offer assistance whilst I'm trying not to look but also not move away. Basically I'm waiting for an instruction to help him up but I'm stood frozen and silent until asked.

It also happens at home, if DW is there and something gets knocked over / spilt I just crumble and have no idea what I'm 'supposed to do' first. I think it's the same reasoning that I'm more consumed by not being judged to be wrong. Ultimately I look ridiculous, DW gets annoyed and I then think, that is what I was trying to avoid!

God I could cry. That’s it exactly. I’m so tired of it.

I’m not sure I can say much to help but what I will say is that it’s extremely unlikely that people find you tiresome/or are laughing at you behind your back.

I used to be painfully shy but as I’ve got older I’ve realised that actually most people are too worried about themselves to be worrying about what other people are doing.

It’s hard to explain but for example, I can remember every embarrassing thing I’ve done throughout my lifetime….but I can remember hardly anything embarrassing about other people. So I always try to remember that when I feel awkward x

Thank you. Yes my husband says it is all in my head. But I know I have a tendency to talk too much/say really stupid things when I’m not comfortable.