Solving loneliness in a rural area

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I am so lonely. I feel like my life is passing me by and I'm so miserable because of it. I'm single with no desire for a partner. I have no children which hurts like hell but I'm in my 40s now so too old to even go down that road (infertility too). I work from home with no real work friendships. Everyone I work with lives miles and miles away. I volunteer but nobody seems Interested in chatting. I've joined groups but feel like an outsider. There aren't many groups where I am. I hate my life. I work, sleep, eat and repeat. It's awful. I had good friends but they moved abroad. I've been on anti depressants and they help but of course they don't help the situation. I suspect ASD as I feel awkward as hell in big groups and never quite fit in. Diagnosis won't solve anything though. People suggest trying this that and the other but it never leads to any friendships. Moving to busier area not an option for a few years due to house equity.
It's too much at the moment.

People say dogs help. I have a dog but it hasn't led to friendships. I travel alone. I do everything alone.

I would think about what would make you be able to enjoy life. The upside is that you don’t have the usual things that keep you stuck in an unhealthy pattern, like a partner and children.

I have children so I can’t just move away and do what I want, but if I didn’t there are definitely places I’d love to live (I alive rurally but it wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have a social network).

What do you enjoy? What career aspirations do you have? Anything you want to learn or explore?

It sounds like things feel very lonely, but the world is your oyster. You can technically do everything you want! I’d see that as a bonus.

I hit a somewhat similar point around 30. I chucked away everything I knew in life. Moved to a city in Asia and took up a new job. I ended up meeting my now dh about 2 months later. I was totally not looking to meet anyone. I’d given up on all relationships. I ended up moving to another country (not the one I went traveling in) and now Dh and I have lived here 10 years.

We have dc, but if you’re didn’t, there would be so many things I’d want to prioritise. It may just be a matter of figuring out what for you that could be.

Not having children doesn't just mean the world is your oyster though. I have no money to up sticks and move around the world. Can't sell house until I'm out of negative equity. It's not in any state to rent it out either. Plus I have a dog, I can't just leave behind and a job I need to pay the bills. I also have elderly parents I can't just leave.

Sorry didn't mean to sound like a moaning myrtle. I do appreciate your thoughts.

The clear positive is that you had good friends before so it's not you. Keep in touch with the old friends for a start. A good chat is better than losing touch.

A dog helps you have interactions with others when you go for walks. Are you open to friendships with people across the age groups? Is there someone you could suggest walking together with your dogs just once a week as a starting point? Have you heard of mental health mates? They do easy sociable walks where you can talk or not and take your dog. Maybe there is a need for such a group in your area?

Could you volunteer with a group such as guiding as you like children? I note you say where you volunteer people are not chatty. Other volunteering may be very different.

Can you go into an office a couple of days a week? WFH full-time is not great for many, many people.

Whereabouts are you?

Would you look into fostering?

I live in a rural area. Could you join a choir (it's quite useful in terms of getting to know people gradually) or do a class. I have made an effort to try and make new friends because people move away. My kids are older and actually just because you are all parents it doesn't mean you have anything in common..

But you DO have more options than you realise. The fact you even own your own home is a wonderful asset. No way in hell I would have easily managed that without a partner and even in negative equity you can look into letting it out or doing AirBNB with a property management company. You are incredibly fortunate. You may not be able to go backpacking in Asia like a 20 year old, but a dog (I have one too) won’t stop you moving somewhere you love in the UK or Europe with the right planning. I would think about what you genuinely what the next 20-30 years to be like and make that change soon.

I live rurally too, but with a child, partner and dog, plus have major anxiety so don't socialise or really leave the property often.

My first thought - how far away are your neighbours? Within a mile or two suitable dog walk? You might find you have similarly lonely neighbours who would welcome a one on one chat and a cup of tea. I know if a neighbour introduced themselves and slowly worked up to a visit and a dog walk I would be willing to engage with that, no matter the age difference.

Probably should take my own advice on that one but I worry everyone already has their own little groups, my partner is a postie and constantly tells me that's not always the case.

I think sometimes we are own worst enemy and prevent ourselves from opening up dialogue with those who live closest due to insecurity or lack of self worth

I think some hobby groups are better than other at supporting making friends. Martials arts are good, or anything where the situation forces interaction, rather than things like book clubs. I am also socially awkward and suspect I might have ASD, and I find I do better in slightly geeky groups based around niche interests, I suspect because other people with similar traits to me like these groups.

I agree that changing job to something with more face to face contact would be ideal.

If you in any way inclined towards religion, I know churches can be very welcoming places.

Start a local dog walking group. Join meet-up or next door, or post on your local facebook group.You might have to be really proactive and don’t give up. You might have to join ten things or start them in order to make one or two friends. Dog training classes? Ramblers association?

OP, can you focus on getting your house ready to rent out? Would it take a lot of work?

Can you get a housemate? Renting out a room to a similar age other person will provide a bit of company and also a bit of income to gradually do the house up.

The opportunity for children isn’t gone btw. It’s just a different route if you really wanted to.

What kind of volunteering have you tried? I've done a few different things but I've found that I connected the best with people when I was helping in situations where help was really needed. People were really grateful to see me when I showed up and more inclined to chat.

What would you like your life to look like? What would a good day / week / year be? Where do you live, who do you see each day, what do you do with your time?

Like a PP I think fruitful directions of travel would either be getting the house ready to rent / share, starting up a dog walking group, or a different hobby group (WI? They are brilliant near me). Church possibly, if you’re open to that. Just trying different things to get more of a foothold on the kind of life you want.