Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How do I find out if my step dad was my real dad?

23 replies

ZippyTiptoes244 · 28/02/2023 13:47

I'm after some help about who my real dad was...

Neither of my parents are alive any longer. I'm in my 40's. My sister is in her 50's. We grew up in different homes. When my mum divorced my 'birth' father, she stayed with him and I moved to a new house with my new dad and my birth mum. I was brought up by him until he died. I didn't get on with my mum and she has since died anyway.

Some photos came to light recently of me as a tiny baby being held by my stepdad which have led me to believe there's a chance he could be my real dad. The pictures are a real family tableau and I'm not sure why they would have been taken with him as we only started life as a family when I was aged 4!

I have since spoken to a friend of my mum's who was sure that I was my 'step' dad's child and not that of my perceived birth dad. I'm so confused and would really like to know. I know it won't change anything, but it would help me know who I belong to!

I feel my sister may know. She was 14 when my parents divorced and must have been aware of stuff. She has never offered any information and the one time I asked, my brother in law got very cross stating that there's no way we couldn't be full sisters, so I feel awkward bringing it up.

I have looked at my birth certificate and it has my 'step' dad's name on it for my surname. I was adopted by him in the 80's so we all had the same surname, but I am wondering if I was in fact his all along. At the time, there was probably still quite a bit of stigma about people getting divorced and remarried. I was brought up, not to tell anyone that my dad wasn't my real dad. My supposed 'birth' father is no longer alive and I didn't see him any more after the age of 4.

I'm not sure what my options are. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and can perhaps suggest a way to start a bit of a route of action?

I'd be so grateful for any suggestions.

Thanks

OP posts:
BlueThursday · 28/02/2023 13:50

Is there anyone from your stepdads family you could speak to to help get a timeline?

Eyesopenwideawake · 28/02/2023 13:51

A simple answer is for you and your sister to do DNA tests to see if you are full or half siblings. Did you stepfather or your 'birth' father have any siblings or other children?

Original poster
ZippyTiptoes244 · 28/02/2023 13:54

My dad had 3 brothers all of whom have passed away. I had two step brothers, one of whom died and the other I don't know. I've tried to look for him, but can't find him.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Eyesopenwideawake · 28/02/2023 13:56

Do you think your sister would do a DNA?

mindutopia · 28/02/2023 13:56

If you are uncomfortable with speaking to your sister, then I would do an Ancestry DNA test (or similar). My dad died 20+ years ago and I am not close to anyone on my paternal side (haven't spoken to any of them in about as long). But there were very clear genetic links between us on Ancestry. It was obvious who my dad was. Someone on your dad's side of the family or alternatively your stepdad's, however distant, will have done an Ancestry test and you will know immediately. And without having to have any difficult conversations to start. You can then decide if you want to tell people once you know for sure.

Original poster
ZippyTiptoes244 · 28/02/2023 13:57

@Eyesopenwideawake I'd really like to find the courage to ask her to do this, but my sister isn't the most approachable person. I'm not sure how to just bring this up in conversation!

Both dads are no longer alive...the supposed birth father was adopted and my step dad's brothers are all dead now too.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 28/02/2023 13:59

Eyesopenwideawake · 28/02/2023 13:51

A simple answer is for you and your sister to do DNA tests to see if you are full or half siblings. Did you stepfather or your 'birth' father have any siblings or other children?

This would be easy but of course you might not be full siblings but might also not be your step father’s child, either of you could have a different father (unlikely of course but possible).
Another way would be an ancestry dna test, which would throw up cousins etc from your father.

LadyEloise1 · 28/02/2023 14:02

Do an Ancestry DNA test.
It will throw up cousins etc on both sides and tell you whether they are on your maternal or paternal side.
My dh did one and it confirmed who he thought might be his birth father. Answered a life long question.

ittakes2 · 28/02/2023 14:07

another for doing an ancestry dna test my parents found a grandchild they were told were not their's but is.

ShakinSteven · 28/02/2023 14:11

Ancestry DNA. You won't need to get anyone else on board and it will indicate you parentage. You can contact your dna matches if they are names you don't recognise. You should be able to work it out. Good luck.

Original poster
ZippyTiptoes244 · 01/03/2023 06:19

ShakinSteven, I don't mean to sound daft, but I don't understand how this works. Don't I have to involve my sister in this? Would other people not have to have taken DNA tests in my family to show up as being related??

OP posts:
Redebs · 01/03/2023 06:36

Think carefully before putting your DNA onto an online database. Those records are then accessible go all sorts of agencies who have the ability to use the data against you and anyone related to you.
I predict that it's going to be a massive personal privacy issue in a few years' time.
Probably better to accept the uncertainty. Hopefully your stepfather was a good father to you.

soleilblue · 01/03/2023 06:39

I know this sounds stupid but if you look at baby photos do you look like your step dad at all?

BooksAndHooks · 01/03/2023 06:46

Redebs · 01/03/2023 06:36

Think carefully before putting your DNA onto an online database. Those records are then accessible go all sorts of agencies who have the ability to use the data against you and anyone related to you.
I predict that it's going to be a massive personal privacy issue in a few years' time.
Probably better to accept the uncertainty. Hopefully your stepfather was a good father to you.

No this isn’t the case. Ancestry do not make their records available to anyone even police. The companies that do you have to opt in to give permission.

You can register the test with any name and email address doesn’t have to be yours. I could register my DNA as Minnie Mouse if I wanted to.

BooksAndHooks · 01/03/2023 06:49

ZippyTiptoes244 · 01/03/2023 06:19

ShakinSteven, I don't mean to sound daft, but I don't understand how this works. Don't I have to involve my sister in this? Would other people not have to have taken DNA tests in my family to show up as being related??

You will be connected to their database and be matched to the people on there. You have thousands of distant cousins so you will have matches on there. If you don’t have any matches close enough you can upload your ancestry results to my heritage, gedmatch, ftdna to get matches from their databases.

The best way would be for you and your sister to do ancestry DNA and compare results. But if you can’t then you can still do it with just your results. Ancestry now separate your results into parent one and parent two so it’s easier to see matches from your paternal side.

ShakinSteven · 01/03/2023 06:52

ZippyTiptoes244 · 01/03/2023 06:19

ShakinSteven, I don't mean to sound daft, but I don't understand how this works. Don't I have to involve my sister in this? Would other people not have to have taken DNA tests in my family to show up as being related??

No, it's not a test like that. You'll send your dna (spit sample) away. Ancestry will then tell you any relatives that have also had dna tests. When I did mine it came up with second cousins through all four grandparents. That way you could contact any matches and work out how you are related and if either of your 2 possible dad's families were on there.

Cocochai · 01/03/2023 07:09

Why would your brother-in-law get “very cross” about you questioning whether you are full sisters? It’s nothing to do with him and would suggest to me that he knows something through your DSis.

Summon the courage to ask her or your options seems to be have a look at baby photos for resemblance to either man, or try Ancestry DNA.

Original poster
ZippyTiptoes244 · 01/03/2023 07:10

Thanks loads. I was in touch with one of my 'step' dad's brother's sons last night via Facebook. He seemed to have lots of family knowledge but didn't know if my dad was my real dad or not.

I guess I've made the first step.

Thank you all for helping and suggesting stuff 😊

OP posts:
weightymatters73 · 01/03/2023 07:54

ZippyTiptoes244 · 01/03/2023 07:10

Thanks loads. I was in touch with one of my 'step' dad's brother's sons last night via Facebook. He seemed to have lots of family knowledge but didn't know if my dad was my real dad or not.

I guess I've made the first step.

Thank you all for helping and suggesting stuff 😊

What about asking this individual to test? He would have less issue with it I would imaging and if he's at all interested in family history it can be quite useful for family tree research.....

DarkNecessities · 01/03/2023 07:59

I think your sister could have some answers for you and may, in a strange way, be relieved if you ask

Have you considered writing her a letter or email initially, and then let conversations follow on from that. Good luck

knittingaddict · 01/03/2023 08:00

Redebs · 01/03/2023 06:36

Think carefully before putting your DNA onto an online database. Those records are then accessible go all sorts of agencies who have the ability to use the data against you and anyone related to you.
I predict that it's going to be a massive personal privacy issue in a few years' time.
Probably better to accept the uncertainty. Hopefully your stepfather was a good father to you.

If one of my relatives is a mass murderer then they can do what they like with my dna.

BooksAndHooks · 01/03/2023 10:01

If your step dads son will test with you on Ancestry that will also give you a definite answer. Ancestry is currently on sale for Mother’s Day at the moment.

Nagado · 01/03/2023 11:03

Realistically, only your mum will have known who your biological father was. Even if she’d told a relative, she may have had her reasons for not being totally truthful. And there’s always the possibility that she may not have been 100% sure herself if the timing was quite close and you were born a bit early or a bit late. I’d do an Ancestry dna test if you’re reluctant to ask your sister.
You just spit into a little pot, send it off and within six weeks, you’ve got dna matches with potentially thousands of people. It doesn’t have to be just immediate family who have taken the test. The results tell you how closely you’re related (8th cousin 12 times removed right up to full sibling) and very often, they’ll have already done their family tree, so you’ll be able to see how you’re related. All you need is an email address. You don’t need to use your real name.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page