How many friends is ‘normal’?

[JoonT]

My (male) partner has no friends. He knows people, of course. When he takes the dog out, he’ll chat to other dogs walkers, etc. He also gets on well with people at work. But these aren’t friends. He couldn’t turn to them if he was depressed, or bereaved, or needed a shoulder to cry on.

I’m pretty much the same, apart from an old school friend who occasionally comes round. Again, I know people. Like my partner, I chat to neighbours, but I have very little social life.

My partner is perfectly happy about this. He claims that most men his age (late 40s) don’t have a circle of friends. But is that true? Is there a difference between men and women in this respect? I’ve noticed several men ditch their old friends as they move into middle-age. It seems to be common (though that might just be my experience).

I mean, what is normal, would you say? Does it change as you move through the different stages of life? I’m very introverted, and had pretty poor mental health in my teens and twenties, so I never really got a handle on what is normal. How many friends does the average person have? And what even counts as a friend (as opposed to somebody you know)?

There’s no definition of what’s the norm. It’s really whatever you are comfortable with? People lose touch because they are at different life stages, routines etc.

if you have great friendships and have a common understanding that life changes and you can still catch up whenever, that’s still a pretty good friendship imho.

I don't find it normal, as in its not the norm for anyone I know. My husband has friends, all his friends have other friends, his brothers, my brothers, my nephews and cousins all have friends.

I think the number of friends varies wildly, in both men and women. I know peopel who would say they have a hundred friends, and others that have 3. I don't think the number matters, more that you have some at all.

I mean, if you don't have friends, who do you have fun with?

I think it's quality not quantity. It also depends on your personality and probably your sex to some extent too. I'm outgoing and will randomly make friends anywhere, I have loads (10ish close friends, about 20 closest friends and about another 20 not close but that I would love love catch up with). Enough that I could easily be busy every weekend with them. I make lots of friends at work and then when I change jobs make more. I'm more friends for a season type of a person, as in once I move jobs then I usually only stay in touch with a few and the friendship fades away. Life gets in the way too, if I could I'd want to socialise all the time, but in reality it's hard to maintain.

My DH basically has about 1 friend, and 4 others all from a very long time ago, one from when he was about 6 and the others 20+ years. He makes very little effort so the one he sees a few times a year, and the rest maybe once every 2 years.

I should add I'd love a group like on TV, Friends or Sex and the City as mine are all individual. As I get older and now with DC I do struggle a bit with DH and wish that he would get out more and spend time on his own with people. I feel like I'm the one who organises everything and am the 'fun' one, which can get tiring

DH has a group from school he used to see weekly. We moved further away then had a poorly child then twins then covid so it's less often now but he tries for once a month.
His bf lives far away so they text etc buy only see each other once or twice a year.
He's got another mate he'll see once every few months and another group with similar interests he sees a few times a year.
Of those I guess there's two or three he'd go to for emotional support if necessary.
His friendships are def different to mine and actually have probably suffered more than mine because I've roughly had kids in line with my friends.

I have 5 from school who I message en masses on and off constantly, we get together when we can and try to do a weekend away yearly. Three from Uni who similar set up but less daily chat. One from work if consider my"best friend" but we're both really under it with kids and work atm which is sad but we accept it'll work itself out. I've a couple of friends from a hobby who aren't "women my age" like most of my friends who I see through the year. I've got school Mom celebs where a couple have moved to more general friends who I see every school day.

I couldn't imagine only having DH to share the random crap of life with, but that's me. We got together late (late 20s and mid 30s) so we've needed friends before we met

DP has an amazing group of friends but they do not live near so he sees them once a year or so. He has a closer friend but for whatever reason they just seem to message rather than see each other - I would say they catch up maybe 3 times a year. This was the situation even before he met me so while it is normal for us I guess it does seem a bit odd to others. I see my own friends fairly frequently compared to him. I would have at least one girls night out a month.

DH is 40 and very sociable. He sees friends at least once a week - either by having a pint with someone, or going mountain biking or climbing, or by having friends round to ours for boardgames.

I've got 'mates', rather than deep friendships, and that suits me fine. I don't want anyone advising me or sticking their nose in my business.
I'd say I find it harder to actually get together with friends because most women have kids (DH and I dont). And all of the dads can carry on as normal, while the mums tend to be stuck at home of an evening! But that's for another thread....

DH is in his 50s, had a fair few friends, three who I think are close and who he confides in.

I have lots of friends, five who I am v close with, others who I would meet for a coffee/day out.

Dp and I are like you. We talk to people at work, talk to the neighbours, but dp wouldn’t have a friend to call on in a crisis and I have a couple from way back, that I WhatsApp often and see rarely (they live far away). I think we must be socially awkward, but at least we found each other!

I've never had loads of close friend consistently. I've had good friends over the years, I'm not good at maintaining friendships though.
These days I don't worry about it so much. If I wanted to make friends I could go and join a group activity and make an effort.

My closest friends are all at a distance but there are 2 I message every day plus another 5 or so I would update on anything big. Then there are another 10 or so people I know locally and an friendly with but we aren't really close as such, just know each other through work, kids school etc.

My DH though doesn't really have friends. He is friendly to people he meets and will go to after work drinks etc.. But he doesn't make any effort to keep up with people outwith when they are right there in front of him (with the exception of one friend of over 20 years who lives abroad, they sometimes text and call but I suspect his friend takes the initiative).

I couldn't go through life without friends. For me, they're the people who I can rely on, talk to, exchange favours, socialise with, laugh until we cry. I like to go out for drinks, to gigs, travel - all ok to do alone of course but to me doing those things with friends is far superior.

I don't have a partner, so obviously if you have a partner you have someone around but what if you ever split up? Would you be happy being totally alone?

I have quite a lot of friends longest I have known is for 50 years, we met first day of primary school. DH and I have some couple friends and we spent NYE with some of them but he really likes time by himself as he has a very pressured job and spends a lot of time sorting out people, he is head of a dept with around a thousand people in it. I have a friend that comes round for lunch every week and if DH is here he always joins us. He is actually very personable but equally happy alone. I do prefer company.

I'm always surprised on wedding threads that so many mumsnetters have hundreds of friends. DH is rather unsociable and isn't bothered about having friends. He does have some though.

We both have a handful of friends, but I would say that most of mine are close acquaintances rather than really close bosom buddies.

DH has two main friends locally, but I know he'd like more. He does get on fairly well with my friends' partners though. He was part of a massive group when he was young and still in touch with four from group (ended up marrying so two couples). They all live away, but we manage to see them 2-3 times a year. I think DH feels he has a lack of friends as I have seven main friends who live locally, so obviously am out more with them.

I have four super close friends I can call in an emergency and they will drop everything. This has been put to the test. When my husband died suddenly a friend, mum of three young kids, came straight over and stayed the night.
A month ago my son was in a motorcycle crash and I was 70 miles away and a friend took him to A&E, stayed with him and made him lunch after.
Last week he had heart pain (his dad died of a heart attack and he got spooked) so another friend took him to A&E and took him home at 3am!
My husband also had three or four good friends, mainly from boarding school days, he saw a few times a year.
But then I have about six friends I see in a group, not so much one on one.
I'm really happy in my own company, but I am so grateful I have friends I can count on too.

That's us too, I don't think we are socially awkward, we are well integrated in the local community, get on with neighbours, other school parents, people at our hobby and at work. But we moved around a lot so don't have deep friendships nearby, of people we could call when in need. I probably have a couple, DH has none.

I'm grateful that we both have big families that we get on with and see often. I'd say my siblings are my best friends, I talk to them every day.

I have 4 close friends (5 if I can count my sister)- 2 are local and we see each other once a month at least and the other 2 I probably see 1-2 a year. I’m not super sociable beyond that but I am pregnant and hoping I will get friendly with a few mums on mat leave.

My husband technically has friends but he doesn’t really see them. They do occasionally message and game together though.