Preschool birthday

[toxicroxy]

I am starting to plan my ds's 4th bday party late May. First 2 years it was covid and last year we barely had children his age as he didn't go to nursery until Sept and didn't know any kids his age. The birthday falls on half term but flexible with the dates but would love to use the half term as an excuse to exclude someone.

My ds gets on well with a few kids in his class although they have minor quarrels sometimes as normal 3/4 year olds would when they want to have a go at something first but a kid in particular he gets on really well with has a six year old brother. The mum is absolutely lovely and ds's friend too which we all get on well but the six year-old brother is too disruptive and changes the dynamic. We've been to play dates and they've come to mine too once (once was enough) and it was carnage hence why I avoid going there and always make up plans to get out. My ds and his friend happily play together with no issues but the older sibling would try to be rough with ds, spoil the puzzle, kick the Legos ds is building, pull one of ds's legs and drag him along the corridor and do anything to wound my ds up.

My ds and class mate have such a lovely friendship but it's often ruined by his older sibling which is such a shame. I really want this kid to come to ds's birthday but really don't want the older sibling to come as it will completely change the dynamic and overshadow ds's birthday which he has been patiently waiting after attending all his friends parties until now. The mum is a single mother and she has nowhere to leave the sibling so he has to tag along even if I say "no siblings please" plus it will exclude the other parents who have babies etc where my son also plays with their preschoolers.

How do I tactfully get out of this. I don't want to cancel plans just because I don't want that sibling but also don't want to exclude the mum as we sometimes go for coffee before picking up the little ones and they will find out and it would be quite hurtful. Everyone so far has done whole class parties but the thought of the sibling coming along and invading the party horrifies me.

I don’t know if you can get out of it tbh. Maybe a soft play and use the ‘4 and under’ part if there is one? Or tell your friend she’s more than welcome to drop her kid and you’ll be happy to watch both boys if she wants a bit of time to herself ‘as I’m sure older bro will be bored stiff around the little ones’

I just need to find the 4 and under activities then. Good shout out though thank you. I will also try to find out their plans for half term and then book it then but then again, some of ds's other friends may be on holiday as well. Aghhh this is so frustrating as I feel bad for the mum and ds's friend but don't want to risk the dynamic changing at all. We will all go to reception next year as well so I really need to tactfully manage this as it could affect future friendships as well. Maybe if I do risk that sibling coming might put off other parents where one would exclude them or say outright no siblings and then she will understand that she can't take the sibling with her to any party.

What happened op when he kicked the toys and hurt your child etc? Did Mom intervene or pass it off as boys will be boys?

I think that would make a difference.

I wouldn't exclude your child's friend and you can't do so without it being obvious. Checking their plans them purposely booking it to clash really isn't a great plan either.

I think you just have to be more proactive and speak to Mom if he gets disruptive. "Oh I can see Albert is getting a bit bored as he's just swung Henry round by the leg. If you want to take him out for some air, I can watch Bart for you" kinda thing

The mum intervened immediately and made him apologise but it's always reactive. The boy was sent to his room after this but he sneaked out later where this time I got up and said I had to go as ds was getting really irritable by then. At my home though it was much different as I don't like disciplining other peoples kids in my own home but my own ds had nowhere to escape where the usual thing would be ok we need to stop doing this as you are hurting ds or let's not kick the blocks as George has spent so long building it but would you like to watch some tv instead or have a go at playing with something else. In a birthday environment, I wouldn't be able to manage it as it will be crowded and dh and I would be dealing with guests as well as ds to make sure they are doing the activities and all is well and the sibling would constantly sneak through to disrupt as he has a tendency to do that.

Just say due to numbers you cannot accommodate siblings

Don’t let him spoil the party OP, not fair on your son to have a little bully running around terrorising the kids. Definitely find somewhere for under 4s, or make it clear no siblings. The more you say about him the worse he sounds!

Just say that due to numbers you can’t include siblings but that babies in arms are of course welcome. That way no disruptive brother, no paying for kids you don’t know, but mums of tiny ones can bring them along with.

Does this mum have to stay? Can’t she leave her 4 year old with you and take her older child elsewhere?

He will terrorise the kids honestly. One of the places we are looking at is like a party room and small soft play area and has availabilities before and after half term as well. I've been there before for one of ds's class mates birthday end of last year and have seen parents who did bring siblings sat in the waiting area and did not enter the area where ds and his class friends were doing activities etc. Not one older sibling caused any problem as I was also waiting in the waiting area. I'm probably overthinking it and the sibling who torments other kids will have parents who will be annoyed at him too for spoiling the fun. The mum does get mortified by his behaviour so I'm hoping she will be forced to take him out for a walk after all the glares where I can offer to keep an eye on ds's friend just at that moment. So I just wanted to share all the little details that has been bothering me whilst planning this and whether any of you may have dealt with something similar in the past. My ds is no way well behaved and can be a pickle sometimes but I intervene before anything escalates and remove him from certain situations. Last year when he went to a birthday party in September he was only 3.4 years old and when he saw the cake he wanted to blow it so I just scooped him up and took him outside and explained his birthday was in 8 months etc without causing a scene.

I have a 3 year old. She’s gone to 5 preschool birthdays in the last few months and not one of them had anybody’s siblings in there. Neither did any siblings come to her birthday. Nor to my 7 year old DS‘a birthday. Nor to his friends birthdays. Nor does he go to his little sisters mates birthdays. Neither does she go her big brothers mates birthdays.

You get the drift? Never have I seen siblings at birthdays.

So if you've been to all these whole class parties and the kid is his class mate, has the kid not been to them too? What happened with the sibling then?

If this thread is anything to go by I must be in a massive big bubble because neither my 3 year old nor my 7 year old are ever at parties where guests bring siblings. They wouldn’t dream of attending each others invitations either! We must live in a parallel world.

@SleepingStandingUp they were never there and didn't come. There were a couple that we couldn't go to due to other commitments but the issue is because the mum and I are closer than any parent as we go to coffee before pick up and because ds is also closer friends with the younger brother, the mum might feel more comfortable and may rely on the closer relationship.

Opposite to my experience. Every party my DD has been invited to is the whole class and siblings are always invited too unless it’s an activity that is unsuitable for younger ones and then it’s said quite apologetically.