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Original poster

Feeling really conflicted about Ukraine sponsorship

24 replies

EvenLess · 26/02/2023 15:33

DH and I agreed to be sponsors for a friend of a friend in Ukraine about 9-10 months ago. Our friend has contacted us for some more documentation and to push us to go ahead, but our circumstances have changed and I don't feel able to. Our friends are not able to act as sponsors for their friend who is trying to get out of Ukraine.

To be honest so much time had passed since it was last mentioned I thought it was no longer on the cards. I think I'm going to have to say we can no longer help but I feel so guilty 🙁

Our current family situation is as follows. One of my parents is terminally ill, has been for a couple of years but is no longer receiving treatment and is on palliative care at home. Last summer when we agreed to this they were in better shape.

The other parent is disabled and is going to need help, practically and emotionally, for the foreseeable future. I have young DC who need a lot from me at the moment, and is processing the news that their grandparent is very ill and going to die. I'm trying to take on voluntary work to build up my CV to go back to work and pass my driving test. I have health conditions that I need to stay on top of.

This all sounds like excuses because this poor person is trying to get out of a warzone, but I'm just about managing at the moment and don't feel I can take on anything else. I have a history of poor MH and I've managed it really well over the last few years but I'm worried that it's only going to take 1 more thing and it'll be back to square one. I just don't know how I'll be able to grieve for my parent in peace with a stranger (who is going to be dealing with their own trauma) in the house for 6 months or more 😢

What do you think we should do? DH feels we're morally obligated to see it through. He can see why I feel it's not a good time and has said the final decision rests with me.

OP posts:

GroggyLegs · 26/02/2023 15:38

It's an absolute recipe for disaster to bring a stranger into your home when you don't really want them there, especially when you're in a period of hard changes, which you are.

Not fair on you, and not fair on them.

Do it quickly and allow them to start looking for a new sponsor ASAP.

ImissLemmings · 26/02/2023 16:01

Don’t do it.

They don’t have to come to the UK to get out of Ukraine. You are not their only hope to get out of a warzone. There are many other countries accepting Ukranian refugees without requiring a sponsor, they can go to Poland for example.

Do not allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into this when you have so many other family issues to cope with.

Calmestofallthechickens · 26/02/2023 16:13

A lot of what you’re saying mirrors my own experience of the last few months.

We hosted a mum and 2 year old child from April last year (and recently ended the sponsorship). It was a lot more demanding than I expected in a lot of ways, and very difficult to fit in between us working demanding jobs, having young children ourselves, and parents with health concerns. I often felt resentful because our guest (quite understandably, given her situation) didn’t seem to empathise that we also had our challenges in everyday life, and the fact we didn’t instantly know the answers to all her questions or have endless time to help her.

I would say consider how much help your guest might need - if they’re a working adult without dependants who has other support locally, then it might be more like a self sufficient/lodger situation (remember some sponsors put their guests up in a holiday home, so day to day support isn’t necessarily part of the sponsorship, but you might find it very hard to say no).

Having come out the other side, I would say we are glad we did it but it wasn’t what we expected when we signed up for, and going into it if you don’t have the time/emotional energy is probably not going to be a good idea for any of you, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you don’t have the capacity at this time in your life.

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 16:16

I think for all concerned. Including the Ukrainians. It would be better you don’t sponser at this time and anyone who judge you negatively…. An easy litmus test to know that you don’t have any more contact with them

LetThemEatTurnips · 26/02/2023 16:27

Could you approach a local church or something and try to find an alternative sponsor?

I completely understand all you have going on but I would probably struggle to rescind the offer given they are literally in a war zone.

Lollygaggle · 26/02/2023 16:39

Let them know now you cannot do it .
We had a family and it was rewarding but very,very difficult. They had little English , mum was depressed and alongside our own jobs and other commitments it was a massive task doing everything for them from negotiating the benefits system , getting them to health appointments , school etc etc. They were utterly dependant on us for everything and unfortunately that dependency continued throughout their stay .

There are cultural differences which do create tensions ie children do not have a set bedtime and stay up until very late , even on school days . Even little things like cooking greasy/smelly foods late at night and fridge being full of foods and children snacking on rubbish can be very trying.

The other problem is there is a huge culture of vaccine hesitancy , I suspect our guests had forged vaccination papers and certainly have not had any boosters here including the childhood routine vaccinations . It's something to think of with vulnerable people in your family.

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 16:40

DH feels we're morally obligated to see it through

you are a sahm, correct? So it’ll be you at home all day

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 16:41

That is appalling. What leads you to suspect?

Lollygaggle · 26/02/2023 16:44

Amongst doctors in Ukraine there is over 50% covid vaccine hesitancy . Our guests told us that the elderly grandfather had almost died with covid and the doctor had advised still for him not to have the vaccine!
The cards they presented had vaccines on them which were not available in Ukraine at the time and research has shown there is a thriving black market in forged vaccination certificates.
We booked boosters for them and school had booked childhood booster vaccinations . All of these were cancelled or paperwork not signed.

Lollygaggle · 26/02/2023 16:46

Here's just one link on false certificates www.rferl.org/a/ukraine-s-booming-black-market-in-fake-covid-vaccination-certificates/31486307.html

Lollygaggle · 26/02/2023 16:49

Covid vaccine hesitancy is something anyone who has vulnerable members of the family should really be aware of . We had terrific problems trying to persuade them to test when they had symptoms and trying to persuade them to have vaccinations of any type has been very difficult . www.reuters.com/world/ukraine-criminalises-use-manufacture-bogus-covid-19-vaccine-certificates-2021-11-02/

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 16:56

odd they fake it as no where in this country do they need to show evidence of vaccine status?! 😐

Lollygaggle · 26/02/2023 17:00

Most will have travelled via a third country , at least , and some via many countries to get here if they travelled overland. Also in Ukraine itself there were places where you had to show proof of vaccination (I think there were red, green zones etc) .
For whatever reason there is a busy black market for fake certificates.

Lollygaggle · 26/02/2023 17:01

Also they may be aware people would be less likely to sponsor if they knew guests were unvaccinated .

2bazookas · 26/02/2023 17:01

You just say " With regret we have to withdraw our agreement to sponsor.. We have had a major change in family circumstances , and now find ourselves supporting two very frail parents through a terminal illness. We can't take on any more commitments."

That's all you need say.

Englishash · 26/02/2023 17:06

2bazookas · 26/02/2023 17:01

That's all you need say.

Don't need to explain yourself. Just say no.

picklemewalnuts · 26/02/2023 17:27

They are not excises, they are perfectly valid reasons you won't be able to be good hosts.

Consider, if need was the criteria we'd all be foster carers. Are your friends foster carers? No? Well there we are..

Original poster

EvenLess · 26/02/2023 18:41

Thank you all, sorry I don't have time to reply individually at the moment (sneaking a moment in the loo before the bedtime routine starts!) My mind is made up that we're going to have to say no. I hope our friends can understand... I'll definitely try and put them in touch with some of the local organisations trying to match people up.

@Gwen82 you're right- DH does work permanently from home but it would inevitably end up being my responsibility. So it's easier for him to say let's do it (and he hates disappointing people).

OP posts:

MMBaranova · 26/02/2023 18:53

There are many ways to support people in Ukraine. I do this every week (relatives mostly so easier, but there are a range of options). You can also support the war effort in a range of ways.

There are areas of Ukraine where internally displaced people have gone to greater safety (for instance Lviv oblast).

There's Poland. And Germany. And... etc.

While coming to the UK is a possibility and so many people have stepped up to help in selfless ways it is not the only way to be supportive.

Twinedpeaks · 26/02/2023 19:30

Don't need to explain yourself. Just say no

When taking away someone's rescue from a war zone, I'm not sure 'no is a full sentence' really cuts it. Jesus

OP i understand why you no longer feel able, and I think you need to talk to your friends to explain and ask their advice about how to communicate the news. They may have others they can go to, or another solution as it sounds as though this takes a long time.

pompomdaisy · 26/02/2023 20:06

I looked into it but decided we couldn't do it in the end. We take in lots of people here but taking in victims of war presents particular problems we were just not geared up for. Be realistic. If you're not then you can help anyone.

Disydoll12 · 26/02/2023 20:18

I did it. I would advise against it. It's really tough, alot was explained well in previous posts. They will find another option.

Houseplantmad · 26/02/2023 20:20

You just need to say no. You have a perfectly valid reason and a lot of time has passed. There are many other closer countries that are offering refuge too.

As an aside, I work with a number of sponsored Ukrainians and am amazed that they’ve all travelled back to Ukraine (and then returned to the UK) for a range of reasons including dentistry, exams and to see family. Some have been several times. I’m a bit more sceptical than I was about the whole scheme now as I don’t think this is in the spirit of what the UK has offered.

Original poster

EvenLess · 26/02/2023 20:52

I've done it. They were lovely about it and said that they understood. I still feel terrible but I'm sure this is the right decision for our family, knowing what's around the corner. DH is obviously not happy but he'll have to get over it tbh.

Thank you for helping me sort out my thoughts today!

OP posts:

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