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Is there anything I can say or do to support this friend?

17 replies

Babyleafy · 26/02/2023 13:21

Her very long marriage has ended. She's been signed off work with stress for a long period. Her job involves giving emotional support to people in difficult circumstances and she hasn't had the reserves herself to be able to do it.

Anyway, she wants to go back, is starting to feel ready to work with clients again but it's seeing colleagues that's worrying her.

She works in a close knit team. Her husband also used to work there. He left several years ago but is still in touch with most colleagues. It transpires he has begun a new relationship (timing unclear) with a woman who was once also a colleague of theirs and still friends with everyone.

My friend is feeling very anxious about who knows what and what version of events they will have heard. I.e. what's been said to paint her in a bad light.

Employer has been supportive and a phased return allows for short days and "just" going I to see people initially. I've said it will be that first hurdle that's so hard and she'll feel better once it's done, that I'm sure people will be supportive, but I also know that human nature is such that they will likely have been having a good gossip too.

Any coping strategies to suggest?

OP posts:
Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 13:24

She’s been signed off work for years because her husband left; really 🙄 she’s an adult, she needs to act like one and go back to work. People gossip, just ignore it or apply for a new job if it really bothers her.

Babyleafy · 26/02/2023 13:32

Where did I say for years? It's been 3 months.

She knows she needs to go back, but surely anyone with any empathy can see it will be difficult in the circumstances

OP posts:
Yfory · 26/02/2023 13:50

You said a "long period" op so that could easily be interpreted as years.

Babyleafy · 26/02/2023 14:02

Yfory · 26/02/2023 13:50

You said a "long period" op so that could easily be interpreted as years.

I think long period meaning years of sick leave is something of a leap

OP posts:
Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 14:04

Ah, I’m sorry- I read it as he left her 3 years ago.

hahahalloumi · 26/02/2023 14:06

Honestly, she should look for a new job by the sounds of things. A fresh start with new people.

Babyleafy · 26/02/2023 14:09

She's 62 though, that's not going to be easy. They'd been married 40 years

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 14:14

My friend is feeling very anxious about who knows what and what version of events they will have heard. I.e. what's been said to paint her in a bad light

Tell her there's one magic phrase she can use. 'Recollections may vary.' Said politely with a slight smile then change the subject.

I wish I'd thought of that phrase when ex was telling people about our 'mutual' decision to separate.

Timeforabiscuit · 26/02/2023 14:23

Agree that the first day will be hardest, and then the first clanger that someone will clumsily drop - if she can prepare for those two things she'll get through it.

Babyleafy · 26/02/2023 14:23

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 14:14

My friend is feeling very anxious about who knows what and what version of events they will have heard. I.e. what's been said to paint her in a bad light

Tell her there's one magic phrase she can use. 'Recollections may vary.' Said politely with a slight smile then change the subject.

I wish I'd thought of that phrase when ex was telling people about our 'mutual' decision to separate.

It not what's said to her that bothers her, she can deal with that as you suggest. It's not knowing what's been said about her/ the situation that troubles her. I don't expect anyone will tell her anything terrible to her face.

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 26/02/2023 14:26

Babyleafy · 26/02/2023 14:23

It not what's said to her that bothers her, she can deal with that as you suggest. It's not knowing what's been said about her/ the situation that troubles her. I don't expect anyone will tell her anything terrible to her face.

Right, so that's not going to go away is it? The chances are she will never know.

She'll just have to take the plunge and to be honest, people really won't care as much as she thinks.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 14:28

Why should she care what's been said? unless someone tells her she won't know. I don't doubt that during my marriage breakup all sorts of things were said about me by 'D' H to OW and his mates who were urging him on to justify what he was doing. Didn't hear them, didn't care.

Whatever was said (If anything was said) she can't change them. In any case, people have most likely forgotten about them.

CinnabarRed · 26/02/2023 14:29

Could you offer to travel to work with her on her first day back, and travel back with her afterwards? I know I’d appreciate the company on my commutes, when otherwise my mind might run away with thoughts.

Vegansausagevole · 26/02/2023 14:34

Not the same situation at all i know but a member of our close knit team lost their long time partner suddenly and tragically. One of her family members got in touch with our manager and said person asked that when she returned no one ask anything about what had happened, how she was feeling etc. She came back on a phased return everyone respected her wishes but were gently supportive in the background. She did eventually raise the subject herself with one or two of us but it was on her terms. She did after a while ask for a transfer, big organisation, as she felt she needed a new start.

AllWorkYoPlait · 26/02/2023 14:46

Does she have any one person she's friendly with who she could perhaps meet up with either before she goes back to the office, or on the morning of her first day back, so she doesn't walk in alone feeling like an exhibit.

Someone neutral who might be able to put her mind at ease?

People do gossip of course, but they also actually aren't that interested in other people's lives, especially if the other two don't even work there any more.

AllWorkYoPlait · 26/02/2023 14:50

Does she have reason to believe either of them have been telling scandalous stories?

There's a high chance at least some of her colleagues knew about the affair before she did, if the other parties are friendly. That's the bit I'd struggle with.

Yfory · 26/02/2023 19:15

Babyleafy - people dont read ops properly at the best of times. If you arent entirely clear with what you mean people are even more likely to "leap" in unintended directions. Tis the nature of the internet.
As for you actual question - two options I think. Either find a new job or dive in and see how it goes at the current one. It may not turn out to be the drama llama shes imagining it will be. She wont know until she gives it a try.

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