Is it normal to feel this way? Struggling with two children

[Endlessdark]

I have a 4.5 year old and an 11 month old. I am the sahp for at least another year, although husband works freelance so can be around for weeks or not at all. No family close by really, and they work full time. The first few months were a breeze, then 4 yos behaviour started to get challenging. Not naughty but just relentlessly needing attention. Baby dd gets no look in. It’s constantly watch me watch me, always asking to be picked up etc if she sees me taking a moment she comes and sits on top of me. We are waiting to have her assessed for ASD as she’s also an extremely poor sleeper and eater, and very anxious. Husband quite frankly is fucking useless. When he’s around he offers very little help, just sits on his computer while I do absolutely everything. I just feel like I have no energy to do anything and no motivation.

every day is the same endless cycle I desperately don’t want to wake up. I stay up too late because it’s my only alone time and then am up at least 5 times throughout the night with both children. It was never the plan for me to take an extra year off work but finances have meant we can’t afford childcare for the baby and so here I am. Husband constantly reminding me he’s the one working but doesn’t realise I’m the one who’s sat on my own all day everyday being pawed at by children. No money to take dd to baby classes. No money for clothes. I feel like I’ve aged about 10 years and just fucking hate this life. Does it get better? I’m already on antidepressants. My days are just endless laundry and cleaning and cooking. Any free time I get I just sit on my phone scrolling endlessly as I have no motivation to do anything productive. 😞

Will your eldest be in school in September? Is there no way you can use the 15 hours of subsidised childcare for your eldest between now and then?

Your husband is not helping. Your job is to look after the children, his is to earn money. Both are equally important in a family. It's also disappointing that he doesn't want to spend more time with his children. It's especially disappointing if he knows how the current situation is making you feel and doesn't seem to care about that.

Is your eldest in school?
it gets a hell of a lot easier in nicer weather, wear them out in free parks.
Any childrens centre near you? Have a few near us with free play/ messy play/ sensory sessions.

I have a three year and a half year old and an almost six month old. I feel for you, it's such a shock to the system. I definitely found the leap from one child to two harder than from none to one.

Are you in the position for CB to be spent on clothes or any activity a week?

That sounds really tough. I think your husband needs a good kick up the arse.

Are there any free things you can take the kids to to get you out? I know it varies massively according to where you live, but round my wag there are various free sessions in the library, in museums and run by the council. Lots of church hall playgroups are just a pound to get in, and they'll waive it if you have a quiet word. The NCT often organise walk and talks where you can bring along preschoolers too.

I'm feeling the same as you this morning. I have pmdd and this is my "low time" absolutely no motivation to get dressed, go out anywhere. Partner is home today so he is doing everything. I'm sorry your partner isn't supportive. When you suffer with your mental health, having a supportive partner makes the world of difference. Have you explained to him how you feel? Don't be too hard on yourself. You're taking care of your children, they are fed with clean clothes and obviously loved. That's what matters most.

Can you put the 4 year old in nursery/preschool for the 15 funded hours (assuming you are in U.K.)? Can you find local toddler groups - the sort that cost £1 and are in a church hall with toys etc? Do you have a HV - often they can signpost to local groups and activities that are no/low cost? You and the children will benefit from being out and leaving the house, even if it’s hard to do. It will also get easier once the weather is warmer.

And yes, I’ve had an autistic preschooler and a baby as a SAHM, it’s brutally hard, but it definitely got easier for me. Oldest starting full time school was a game changer. Youngest starting full time school was one of the happiest days of my life!

The main problem is your husband. He needs to parent more. You both work 9-5, you childcare, him finances. So, 5pm -9am every day, and all weekends should be 50/50. If it's not, it should be.

Definitely get your 4 year old in a preschool 9-3 every day. Both mine were in 4 days at that age. Everything you're feeling is completely normal I'd say, given the circumstances. I know I felt the same, and unfortunately people who do work seem to think they have it harder.

Let me tell you something... I was a SAHP of 2 young kids and now work in a fairly demanding 9-6 role, with all the challenges of the workplace (short staff, negative colleagues, annoying commute, deadlines, no daylight all day etc etc) and I can honestly hand on heart say it is far easier than what I went through as a SAHM. Infinitely easier. That's just my opinion, but I want to validate what you are feeling, as nobody validated my struggles staying home. People who say differently clearly have very supportive family and husband, loads of friends to spend the days with, cleaners, kids that never get sick, loads of money to faff with the house and get out to all the groups etc etc

Only you can make any changes now though. If I was you I'd find any free playgroups and commit to going week in week out - libraries usually have something on for babies 1-2 times per week. Churches also. Get out the house! Get out for walks. Try to make some friends to hang out with in the day? You can chat and the babies can babble to each other. Try to keep busy. Try to set yourself a weekly routine and stick to it - for cleaning/housework, meals, playgroups so you feel you're achieving something and getting somewhere.

The husband won't change unfortunately, they rarely do.

I think it's normal but it comes from a place where i struggle with my two children.

When I was on Mat leave it was the hardest after 6 months as the baby now needs attention and older child (mine was 3) still needs so much time and my son is also waiting on an asd assessment. They don't play together as the youngest just ruins games as he rightly doesn't understand the eldest's reaction is to hit the younger one (working on that trust me).

Frankly the only way I coped in my leave was:

1. my partner works from home and he used to share part of his lunch hour (20-30 min) so I could lie on my bed staring at the ceiling and having some time out

2. picnicking - even now I am back at work we try and do this. The clearing up at home after every meal was driving me crazy. So we would often go to a park with a picnic to have one less meal at home to clear up. Summer we eat outside in the garden

Finally - forget baby classes - look for church/village hall groups for things to go to to get out of the house.

Sign up to peanut and there will be other mums for park dates.