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Original poster

How do you cope with being unpopular?

27 replies

Nofriendzone · 25/02/2023 10:22

A couple of women I thought were fairly good friends are having milestone birthdays this year (as am I). They’re both having large celebrations, inviting mutual friends, workmates and acquaintances, but I’m not invited.

This keeps happening.

I think I’m ‘good’ friends with someone, they confide in me, are warm and friendly but when it comes to anything social I’m overlooked.

It’s like there’s an invisible barrier. I don’t think they’re doing any of it deliberately, they simply don’t think of me beyond when I’m right there.

It is starting to upset me so much. I was thinking of having a birthday celebration of my own for the big one but I honestly don’t think anyone would come.

If this sounds familiar to anyone, have you managed to come to terms with it and if so how?

I just feel so sad and pathetic right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nofriendzone · 25/02/2023 10:23

Just to add, I’m feeling really low and sorry for myself today so I may not be up to replying much. I do appreciate any comments though.

OP posts:

coffeecookie · 25/02/2023 10:30

That's really hurtful OP.

I've felt like this in the past. You have to realise they are not your friends. It's hard I know.

This is making me rethink my guest list for my milestone later this year as I wouldn't want to accidentally leave someone out.

SallyWD · 25/02/2023 10:31

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how upsetting it is to feel you're not liked and appreciated. Are you a quiet, shy person? I'm only asking because I am. I feel like quiet people often get overlooked and ignored. Maybe people see us as standoffish or something?
I feel like I'm often overlooked but once people really get to know me on a deeper level they warm to me.
I don't know what the answer is. Try not to let this get you down (difficult I know!) and don't give up. I find it helps to open up to people and just keep being yourself. The right people will grow to appreciate you.

CuriousMama · 25/02/2023 10:34

That's awful I'm so sorry this has happened. I think you need to find new friends. Although I wouldn't call them friends tbh.
What sort of things are you interested in doing? Maybe join something to try and make new friendships?

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 25/02/2023 10:35

Do you not Fawn to people?
Do you provide yourself as emotional crutch, but not as happy time friend?

I m also not invited to everything, it's often to knock me off my imaginary pedestal...... People are funny. Don't over think it, get new friends. Try "Meetup", and be less available to the unkind acquaintances.

TrinnySmith · 25/02/2023 10:36

I have adhd - have always struggled to make friends. Still can’t fathom what it is I do wrong.

Emmamoo89 · 25/02/2023 10:36

They are not your friends. Get some new ones.

MsKittyKat · 25/02/2023 10:38

That's familiar. I think some people just use other people. It isn't you, they probably do it to lots of people.
Other people just use us, I'm guessing you're kind and thoughtful and generous. People take advantage. Don't let it get to you and push them out of your life. They're dead wood, dragging you down.

ZaZathecat · 25/02/2023 10:44

What's your relationship like with these friends normally? Do you see them 1 to 1? If so I would expect the conversation to include things like birthday plans if it's coming up soon. Have your friends avoided the subject and then you find out afterwards that it happened? If so, they are definitely not proper friends.
Or maybe you just see these people as part of a group and assume they are good friends and they don't see you the same way. I think context makes all the difference.

Original poster

Nofriendzone · 25/02/2023 10:44

Thank you for the replies, sorry anyone else faces similar.

I really make an effort to listen to to other people when they talk to me, maybe they do use me a bit… but I’m not really shy.

I have had groups of friends in the past but it’s been harder to sustain as I’ve got older.

It’s like there’s a code I don’t understand, I am starting to think I should just give up and make the most of what I have. I do have a loving partner so that’s a plus!

OP posts:

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 25/02/2023 10:45

OP I am so sorry to hear that. I have a bit of the same but am starting to come to terms with it.

if I look at possible reasons for my exclusion it may be that I really dislike group behaviours. I was bullied as a child and once I started to make friends around 16, I found it hard to conform to unwritten group norms defining friendship groups, I was so used to like what I liked, dislike what I disliked and dress how I wanted. I was a part of several groups in my late teens but always found that I was losing part of myself.

studying psychology later, I read about identity and group behaviours and it all started to make sense.

today I have a very limited number of close friends (about 2) who don’t know each other. I am friendly and chatty in all situations (think someone people are very happy to talk to a school occasions but never invite themselves, always chatting to people at work, go for coffee etc but don’t socialise outside work). I have a huge focus on my family and love nothing more than to have a glass of wine in a pub with my DH (rarely) and take my DCs for coffee, shopping and read them stories (they are between 9 and 14). I am content.

I hope you can either find friendships/friendships groups that suit you better or find another balance which makes you happy.

Woodendonkey · 25/02/2023 10:47

you speak about a code you don’t understand and also say you thought these women were good friends but it turns out you’re not. Have you ever considered you’re autistic?

Original poster

Nofriendzone · 25/02/2023 10:48

@HooverIsAlwaysBroken Thank you - a lot of that does resonate with me, food for thought.

OP posts:

hugefanofcheese · 25/02/2023 10:49

The 'confide in me' part could be telling.

I've met a lot of people lately through work who will talk at me for hours, telling me all sorts of personal details about their lives. We're not friends, they just seem to enjoy having someone, anyone to spill to. Are some of your friendships quite one sided in this respect?

Maybe you need to weigh up more whether people are interested in you back, or whether you're just a handy sounding board before considering yourselves close friends. Adjust the time you spend listening accordingly.

I'm not sure in my case whether it's regional or to do with the profession as I have changed both lately.

Original poster

Nofriendzone · 25/02/2023 10:49

Woodendonkey · 25/02/2023 10:47

you speak about a code you don’t understand and also say you thought these women were good friends but it turns out you’re not. Have you ever considered you’re autistic?

I have considered it but having done a bit of research/online tests it doesn’t look like I am. I guess only a proper assessment would clear that up but it doesn’t seem likely

OP posts:

Original poster

Nofriendzone · 25/02/2023 10:52

@hugefanofcheese we chat about things we have in common so I do talk about myself too and it’s not all serious, we have a laugh. But I will pay more attention to the dynamic, thank you.

OP posts:

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 25/02/2023 10:56

www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/social-identity-theory

these are some of the theories around group identities- I thought it was really interesting.

Soonenough · 25/02/2023 11:03

I also felt like this . I often wonder if I have autistic tendencies. I find it hard to say the right thing in groups . Especially hard if I have no interest in the conversation topic . Little tolerance for talking about people unkindly , smacks of bullying. Used to get terribly upset but as I have got older , it bothers me less.

StopStartStop · 25/02/2023 11:07

I'm resigned to it. I'd mostly given up on people by the time I left primary school and I'm 65 now. They don't like me? Fine. I'll carry on being me and they can dislike me to their heart's content. They don't want to include me? Fine. They'll never find me asking.

Dzogchen · 25/02/2023 11:15

You focus on them confiding in you as a key plank of what you viewed as friendships — this may be important. Either you’re a shoulder to cry on/support figure who is comparatively ‘invisible’ in the dynamic, hence not thought of for celebratory occasions, or they feel they may have revealed too much and are uncomfortable about it?

Either way, I’d be thinking analytically about what I contributed to friendships, avoiding a ‘service’/one-way confidante dynamic, and thinking about what I wanted from these relationships.

Dzogchen · 25/02/2023 11:18

StopStartStop · 25/02/2023 11:07

@StopStartStop , I genuinely don’t mean this unkindly, but to live your life for fifty years based on the fact that you think people didn’t appreciate you before you turned 11 or 12 seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face. If I’d made decisions based on my primary school popularity, I’d be a hermit.

StopStartStop · 25/02/2023 11:20

Dzogchen · 25/02/2023 11:18

Show quote history

You live your life your way, understand and interpret it your way, that's fine by me.

As I will live my life my way, without any concern for your patronising judgement at all.

NoInvitesEver · 25/02/2023 11:21

I don't think you're alone OP. It can be very hurtful. (See my user name!)
I had a big birthday and made up a crowd by past friends (eg friends I'd drifted from but as it was a big birthday it's fine to revisit the past) as well as current ones. Could you do that?
Afterwards I hoped I had set the ball rolling and might form better social links or get an invite to something but didn't happen. One person who came (a current friend) had a big birthday a few months later but we didn't make the party guest list. DH then had a big birthday and numbers were limited and they had the brass neck to send a message saying how disappointed they were not to be included. We're not friends anymore as the resulting exchanges didn't go well which is fine by us.
Over time I've got less willing to be a doormat and very willing to move on (actually ghost people) if they treat me poorly. For example, one ex colleague who I thought was a friend regularly called me for professional advice on her work (I'm more experienced) but she never picked up or returned call if I called her. I'd travel to see her (40 mins) but she never traveled to see me despite easier circumstances. I gave up so much time and advice for her but eventually realised that was all she wanted. I never returned her next 2 calls and never heard again. I did feel empowered.
We have other friends who happily come to ours and drop heavy hints or directly ask for invites but never invite us back. Hosting is expensive and hard work, so we've stopped hosting those who never reciprocate - a conscious decision.
I've joined a local hobby group and a book club so I have occasional things to do and maybe something will grow from that, maybe it won't, but I'm past making the effort when it's not reciprocated. I do feel happier having made the decision to not waste time on people who aren't interested in pursuing a friendship or to maintain friendships but not to be the only one who hosts.

TrinnySmith · 25/02/2023 11:35

I read Friendships don’t just happen,
she pointed out that the friend ‘you just hit it off with’ was actually the person you sat next to at uni, or the next desk at work - which shows friendships take time to grow.
So as busy adults it’s difficult to find time for gradually getting to know someone.

Upwardtrajectory · 25/02/2023 11:54

How do you know these friends?
when I was younger I kept falling for the idea that someone I spoke to regularly and seemed to get on well with was a friend, and then I’d be excluded from a party or a night out or something and feel hurt. But now I recognise that some of these people were acquaintances, good and frequent acquaintances, but still acquaintances. Even now, pushing 50, I still have to actively remind myself of that so I don’t get more attached than the situation calls for.
I now have 2 very close friends, and a bunch of passing acquaintances and I’m happy with that because I know where I stand.

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