Feel like I’ve lost myself after having a baby

[Milly899]

My DD is 9 months and she’s lovely and I love her, though she is a very high needs baby who is a terrible sleeper so she’s kept me busy to say the least and becoming a mum has been a huge shock to the system. I’m a FTM and still barely know what I’m doing.

After having Covid the last three weeks and now finally coming out the other side though still very ill, I don’t know if I’m depressed.
I was very naive and had this expectation I would have lost the baby weight by now (I’ve lost none), that baby would sleep better by now, my energy levels would rise, that I’d be starting to claw back more of my life and here I am - Friday night in my pyjamas and robe, I’m exhausted from being with baby all day whilst still being ill, I need a haircut, I’m two stone overweight still, I look terrible since having Covid that no amount of make up makes a difference. Covid has made my skin awful and red.
I feel disgusting and I just don’t recognise myself anymore.

I’m scared DH will leave me as well, just look at me.

I don’t know why I’m posting, I guess I just need to vent as I want to burst and don’t want DH to see me like this.

Oh honey child
Be kind to yourself

Shall we start with the practicals? Are you on maternity leave? Can you outline your routine or ‘normal day’? 💐

Weight will not magically come off but also tiredness makes it hard- we replace sleep with food often poor choice food

Covid is a bitch
Are you getting enough vitamin d ? can you take baby out in pram or sling and get some walking in, - good for
mental and physical health

If you are worried you feel depressed talk your dh, he loves you and your baby and wouldn't want you to be unhappy

And maybe make an appt with gp?

Yes good question

Can you do activities that will help with weight loss and also help you feel better? Baby yoga, mummyfit, walks with baby and the like.

Will you be returning to work so? You might feel more yourself then.

You've had a baby. It's a big change but it's not the end of the world. I'm sure it seems worse as you're tired and not feeling great. Can DH sort out baby for a few hours while you have a bath and pamper yourself a bit or just an early night?

I’m on maternity leave. Have a few months left. DH works very long hours in a stressful role, he’s doing nights soon so won’t see him at all - he’s barely here so it’s left to me. Parents aren’t nearby and friends work in the week and have their own things on.

Having DD with Covid really has got me down.

typical day before I got Covid is:
sterilise bottles and clean
get up with baby, get her breakfast, washed and changed.
playtime with DD
lunchtime
Try and get out for a walk/see mum friend/or a playgroup/drive somewhere to see a friend or family member. I try to get out everyday normally.
home and dinner
play, bathtime and bed - bedtime is all over the place as she doesn’t always settle as she hates the cot…

clean the house

since having Covid I’ve barely been out so have tried to entertain baby at home

Sorry to hear that you're feeling a bit rough there lovely.
How much support are you getting from DH? Just because you're FTM at the mo doesn't mean it should all be on you.
Book yourself a hair appointment and leave the baby with him. If you're still BF think about introducing a bottle, so that you can start leaving DD with a babysitter and when you feel better, organise a date night for you both.
When you start to feel physically better, have a look at your diet to try and work out why you're still carrying the extra weight.
Is there a reason she's still not sleeping at night? I'm not going to give you advice on that as there are so many conflicting views on sleep training. Mine are grown up...and I didn't give my DC much option other than to sleep at night. I worked full-time from when they were 8 months, but understand that that's not for everybody.
Babies can take over your whole life if you let them. Maybe think about organising a girlie night out with friends. Date nights or nights out with friends will give you a reason to get dressed up and make-up on.
X

When you've been ill and are getting better - it's the worst time for feeling down, worse than when you're actually ill. In my experience. You feel like you SHOULD be doing all these things but you still feel shit. Be kind to yourself while you completely recover. Your routine sounds fine - can your aim be no more than to get back to that? Leave ambitions like weight loss for when you're feeling more yourself.

I found the 8-10 month range quite a difficult time. You have a clingy, crawling baby who in my case was breastfeeding round the clock. It's hard to find ways to amuse them and adorable as they are they're still at the stage where they don't understand too much yet and you are limited with what you can do with them. Oh yeah and TEETHING!
Once you get past the first birthday and you can start doing more it does get easier.
Covid fatigue is a bummer. Just rest for now, take your vitamins, try and do some pampering treatments like hair and face masks and painting your toenails, just a little something low effort to give you a lift.
The days are getting longer now- get out in the daylight and fresh air as much as you can it will give you a boost!!! Go and see all the Spring flowers in the park.
And give yourself a big hug cause you deserve it x

With my first I used to go for a decent walk every day, rain or shine. I would listen to music at the same time and found the fresh air really helped my mental state and helped shift the weight. Baby usually fell asleep too.

I went to a playgroup almost every day too, it's not the same as seeing friends but once I went regularly I got to know the other mums well enough for a chat and didn't feel so isolated.

My first was a rubbish sleeper too and we sleep trained which helped a bit. It's not for everyone but helped my sanity and baby was happier once she was in a good routine.

Easier said than done when you are exhausted but I tried to up my fruit and veg intake which helped my energy levels after a while.

I only felt better when I went back to work pt. I lasted four and five months each time on mat leave.
Instantly felt 1000% more me. 20 years on, no regrets.

It's hard looking at these things when you're feeling tired and ill. It took me probably 12-18 months to feel normal me again but the best advice I received was "lean in". I just leant into it and set myself small, manageable goals. When my first born was about 10 months, i cut back on sugar massively for a couple of months, then set a goal of going to the gym twice a week and doing a long walk at the weekend, and then set a priority of getting up 30 minutes earlier to do my hair and makeup etc. It was just small changes to make me feel more "me".

I'm 19m in and it's hard, I feel it's cumulative so even if your baby gets better you'll get more tired. You need to get DH to step up greatly or you'll break. Well you won't break, because we all manage but you'll be so drained. You really need time by yourself for you. Ask DH to look after baby for a few hours at least, regularly minimum once a week NOW. It's more the mental load that is draining.

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling, I tell myself that we all must go through this at some stage. I felt the same around that age, 7 months to a year was the worst for us with lack of sleep, breastfeeding constantly all night. The lack of sleep alone killed any happiness there may be for me. Thankfully my little girl turned a huge corner a month after turning one, once you start getting a bit more sleep i promise you will start to see the joy in being a mum. Grab any sleep you can in the meantime, housework can wait. Go easy on yourself x

Hi OP

Mine is same age as yours and similar. Still breast fed when I’m there, refuses the cot a lot of the time.
we’ve had every bug going from the 1 day a week he attends nursery, wiping me and DH out at the same time.

It’s so much harder than I realised and I also wonder if I am depressed sometimes

But we get through it, luckily I have a supportive DH.

I found it helped to get my hair done finally and get to the gym on the odd occasion etc

You can do this, it’s just hard right now, but you’ll come out the other side x