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Original poster

Help me limp through this weekend?

20 replies

bloodywhitecat · 24/02/2023 16:43

DH died a year ago on the 27th and this weekend just feels like a mountain to get over. I know the 27th is Monday this year but it actually the Sunday that feels like more of a hurdle (he died on Sunday 27th). On this day last year he was still fairly OK, I mean I knew he was sick and I knew he was dying and I knew the end was coming but everyone was surprised at how quickly it came in the end. I was talking to the district nurse on the Saturday when she came to check his syringe driver and she thought he had a another week or two, she came to collect his morphine etc after he'd died and was so apologetic that she'd "got it so wrong".

I could just do with a bit of moral support to get through the next couple of days if anyone has any to spare.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 24/02/2023 16:47

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss Flowers

I don't have anything deep or profound to say. Sometimes it gets a tad hard going through certain periods without certain people there.

It's okay to feel off. Sometimes we all just need to get through certain days, myself included

♥️

MuggleMe · 24/02/2023 16:47

I find the anticipation of an anniversary is sometimes harder than the day and the days after. I hope that's the same for you ❤️‍🩹 accept that you're going to struggle and do what you can to look after yourself 😘

Todowithbuses · 24/02/2023 16:52

I’m here anytime for a natter? You can message me anytime 😊.

Smallorangecat · 24/02/2023 18:19

Speaking from my experience, it will be tough but it will not be harder than other days you have got through in the last year. I was surprised that it was the day of the week rather than the actual date that hit hardest in the anniversary of DH’s last week.
Do you have anything planned for Sunday or Monday? I didn’t want to do anything. It was the worst day of my life and I didn’t want to remember it (not that I could forget it but I didn’t want to do anything specific to remember) and my young DC didn’t want to know the date, but other people do mark the date in some way. Will you have people around you if you want them?
I am now nearly 18 months on from DH’s death and that feels daunting, but I can say that 6 months ago the anniversary felt completely unmanageable and here I am on the other side of it, and you will be too even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Teawaster · 24/02/2023 18:37

My DH died just after midnight on the 13th Feb , 6 years ago. The 13th was a Monday . It's always the 12th though that I think of as his anniversary as the build up to the end all happened on the 12th and it was all over by the morning of the 13th. Like you , I knew he was going to die , but the end came quicker than expected and he was alert and with it up until 30 minutes before he died.
This year was the first anniversary which happened on the same day of the week and it had a different feel to it somehow. I relived it more this year than in recent years.
However , the first year was the most difficult, with reliving the last few days and weeks becoming less difficult as the years passed.
Of course not a day goes by when I don't miss DH but it does get easier.
I still feel sad about what he missed and will miss. My DS will be graduating from Uni this year and I feel sad about that , but I try to focus on the positives and think how proud he would be of him doing so well.
Hope the next few days are not as traumatic as you are expecting and that you have plenty of family to support you if you need it.
I was happy to have mostly a normal day but MIL wanted to get together . I couldn't cope with all of her tears and neediness so I left her to my BIL to deal with.
Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 24/02/2023 18:59

Thank you all and a big thank you for sharing your experiences and making me feel a little less mad for finding Sunday worse than the Monday.

I do have plans for Sunday, my DD is coming tomorrow with her husband and they are going to look after my current little one while I go to meet up with some of my former fosterlings and their new families. I am really looking forward to seeing them all. DH would love to see how well they are all doing, we continued to foster right through his illness, diagnosis and final days, it meant the world to him.

OP posts:
AlloftheTime · 24/02/2023 19:21

@bloodywhitecat sorry that you lost your husband the last couple of years sound like they have been so tough. Enjoy seeing your daughter and also the visits you have planned. You and your husband sound wonderful people and there must be many young people who benefited from your care.

look after yourself 💐

Nongatron · 24/02/2023 19:26

@bloodywhitecat I remember your posts from last year. You were heroic in the care you gave your beloved dh. I also remember thinking how much you loved and cared for the littles who you were fostering at the time too.
Sending you love and strength for Sunday especially I’m so sorry anniversaries of losing someone you love are so hard 💐
Very glad you’re seeing people you love during this time x

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 25/02/2023 10:14

I find myself feeling aimless today, it feels like wading through a kind of surreal sludge. I am hoping that once DD gets here the weather breaks a bit so we can get out for a walk to try to clear the fog in my head.

The daffodils in the garden have been looking like they want to break into flower at any time, I wonder if there is any chance the first one will open tomorrow. The little woodpecker that DH loved to watch on the feeders has been a frequent visitor this week along with his mate, in fact he's there right now and that feels calming somehow.

OP posts:
TheDuck2018 · 25/02/2023 10:24

Hello bloodywhitecat I just wanted to offer a hand to hold. My adored brother died just over a year ago, he was ill for a long time and I used to read your posts and draw strength from them.
You and your husband sounded to be the most incredible couple, and your love for him shone out in every post, and still does.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here, I know I'm crying as I'm typing, for you and for me and for everyone else who is trying to get by with a huge unfillable hole in their lives, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and sending you love and positive thoughts.
I loved seeing the snowdrops poking through....those tiny, beautiful delicate little flowers forging their way through the cold hard earth.... there's an analogy in there, I think. 💖

NewIdeasToday · 25/02/2023 10:42

So sorry to that you’re going through this. It must be so hard. Take care of yourself and hope you can remember happier times you shared together.

8stone13 · 25/02/2023 10:57

Hello @bloodywhitecat 👋🏻

I don't have any sage advice but I just wanted to send some virtual support. I didn't read your previous threads but I'm picking up that you are a foster carer & carried on doing that whilst your DH was ill & dying? My goodness, you have my utmost & sincere respect. My neighbours have fostered for years, they retired & he then developed cancer, they are the nicest people you'd meet & have given so much to so many vulnerable children.

I lost a partner in 2018 so I do have some understanding, though it was different in that we'd only been together 2 years & didn't have children or ties together. I do remember the shock when it came, even though I'd spent much of that two years in & out of hospital & thinking the end could come at any time.

I hope you & your DD manage to get through these next few days. I hope the little things like the birds & the spring flowers that are appearing might help. I'm a random stranger but I'll be thinking of you Flowers

MinnieMountain · 25/02/2023 11:05

My DM died suddenly 2 years ago. I find the anticipation of the anniversary of her death worse than the actual day.

Surround yourself with people you love.

A friend who’s DM also died when she was younger told me the hole they leave gets near smaller but you get used to it being there.

Squaffle · 25/02/2023 11:13

So sorry for your loss. Glad you will have some company, and a walk sounds like a great idea. The fog will lift, I promise 💐

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 26/02/2023 01:16

Sleep feels impossible tonight

OP posts:
Tr1skel1on · 26/02/2023 01:25

@bloodywhitecat I'm here, holding your hand if needed. Another one who remembers your posts about your lovely DH. Any favourite memories you'd like to share?

cassiatwenty · 26/02/2023 14:04

I'm here too, holding your hand if needed.

I didn't sleep well either yesterday. We just need to get through Sunday and everything will be better xx

Smallorangecat · 26/02/2023 17:46

I hope today is not overwhelmingly hard and that you have been able to appreciate, if not exactly enjoy, meeting up with your fosterlings. It’s good that you are still able to keep in touch with them.
It’s a lovely sunny day here. Sometimes the spring sunshine and new flowers make me feel worse because DH isn’t here to appreciate them and they are a sign that life goes on whether we want it to or not, but it’s still nicer than the grey clouds and rain.
Take care, and know that many people are thinking of you today.

Original poster
bloodywhitecat · 26/02/2023 19:24

Meeting up with the babies (they all came to us as babies opposed to the couple of toddlers we have had) today was so so good. It is amazing to see how they are flourishing with their families and I feel honoured that we were able to be a part of their journeys.

Favourite memories of DH? I have so so many. He used to drive me nuts with his "Whadda we gunna do today?" but he had such energy for life, he loved weekends so much and wanted to pack in as much as possible. I once needed a doorstop to try to prevent one of our fosterlings playing with the door and catching his toes but the floors in this old place slope so much that a regular doorstop wasn't big enough. I mentioned this to DH, he disappeared out into the garage and came back 10 minutes later wielding a doorstop he'd whittled from a fence post! He was so laid back, I don't think I ever saw him angry. And he was kind, and he was always more than happy to pull his weight (and often more). When I worked lates on the NHS I would come home to dinner and on the days he left for work before me he would always bring me up a cup of tea before he left. he would often bring up toast for us to share before he went too. He was uncomplicated, what you saw was what you got. He was just him.

As several people have shared, the anticipation of today has been worse than the day. I woke this morning at the time he died last year and the first thing I saw when I opened the kitchen blind was a robin sitting on the flowerpot outside. In the car on the way home, I Still Haven't Found What I Am Looking For came on the radio, that was playing as he died. Tonight at dusk, when I went out to put the bin out there was a tawny owl hooting in the field out back, DH loved all the owls here.

I got home today and my newest fosterling was settled with DD and my son-in-law was mowing the lawn for me, he knows I struggle because the garden is about the size of a tennis court and I find it hard get it done.

OP posts:
Teawaster · 26/02/2023 22:01

@bloodywhitecat , I'm glad you got through the day , hard as it must have been.
He sounds like he was a lovely man and although I'm sure you found it sad, I think because the day brought lots of reminders of the things he appreciated and liked, that must bring comfort too and a reminder of how lucky you were to have found someone special to share things with. Although of course that's tinged with sadness because he left too soon. I hope the next few days get easier . Please share any more memories of your DH if it helps.

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