How to cope with this?

[Dreamsarentreal]

I’m posting here instead of elderly parents for traffic and because I have to process this and have no one to talk to IRL. I’ve name changed, I’ve had so much help before but this seems like a new notebook for a new problem.
My DM is 86, lives on her own and is getting more frail everyday while being very independent. I see her everyday, talk on face time everyday, do her shopping etc. The past two years have been dreadful, she has had pneumonia which has really changed her life, she used to walk a mile a day, now she has to use a stick and gets breathless very easily, she also has problems with her leg so spends longer in the house, her sister - who she talked to everyday- committed suicide the same week as her best friend died because of a fall and my DSIL died five weeks after a cancer diagnosis. She worries, she knew we were going to the beach with the dog yesterday so had a nightmare that the dog ran into the sea and I wouldn’t put her lead on. Both my DBs live away, one is widowed and suffering dreadfully, the other lives abroad, I am her lifeline.
The new crisis, my DH has a health issue that appeared minor, he saw the doctor on Tuesday, referred - none urgently- to see a specialist along with a photo and was called the next day and given an appointment next week. We are not in a good place as quick appointments have not been a good thing for two people we love in the past year but we have decided not to say anything to anyone until we know more. Meanwhile it is a year since my DSIL has died, my Uncle -93- has his memorial service and my DH and I are meant to be representing our family and my DM is talking a lot about how terrible it is for my aunt and my brother while I want to scream but just change the subject. She was so supportive for my brother but I was supporting her, my DH and I just want to hold each other up and close out the world but I have to look after my DM and I can’t abandon her.
I have been the calm in the eye of the storm for so many people for two years, now it’s hitting us, we are on our own and there is no one to take up the slack and be there for my DM.
If you have read this, thank you.

I'm sorry. That's more than anyone should have to cope with. I hope your DH is OK.

@Dreamsarentreal please let me share with you, today I had a day that seemed to be a nightmare yesterday- mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy for a largish breast lump (well I have small boobies so it seemed big)... I was seen to by two consultants... and within 1.5 hours they both told me it was just residual injury from our big dog kicking me in the tit!

So please remember, your DH may be fine, its wonderful you've taken care of this so quickly.

Perhaps, if you can find some temporary carers for DM, you could maybe take a change of scene/space? & feel refreshed. You deserve it,GB.

Holy shit that's a lot.

The analogy that comes to my mind, as an alternative to the eye of the storm, is a gyroscope, or maybe a spinning top. It's steady and stable, but only because it's spinning so fast. It can't go on forever, spinning hard to appear still and calm. If you jam a stick in the gyroscope and it stops, or the spinning top runs out of energy, no more conservative of angular momentum, things can go wonky. It must've taken an awful lot of work for you to be the calm centre for everyone, but this new health thing has of course jammed a stick in it and you can't be everyone else's steady centre right now.

That was probably not helpful, sorry… I hope the soonness is just that they happened to have some imminent appointments available, or had a cancellation, and this is just the way it happened to work out. Or that it's one of those health things where it's usually nothing terrible but people are seen quickly just to be safe, because there's a slight chance of something urgent. Or some other reason for this not to be what you understandably dread. I'm glad you and DH are looking after each other.

*conservation 🙄

Thank you all for replying. Jarbythedoor, that is so right, it is a gyroscope.FebruaryCeleste, it would be good to go away, we promised each other yesterday that we will do that - eventually! My DM doesn’t really need carers, she does need to talk to people. She loves people coming to see her but hates going to them, there are not many people left to see really.
Can you see how this is about my DM and not my DH? I’ve got to change this, he is the most important thing.

Actually Op this should be about you. You can't continue being the strong person helping and supporting others whilst you are also needing this. You and your dh together need to do whatever you need to get through this. If it means you saying to your mum and other family members that you need to take a step back for a while then so be it.

You sound like an amazing woman. You need to make sure that you have the strength and energy to help yourself and your husband.

Thank you all for your support, DH has benign tonsil cysts and so nothing needs to be done. It has made us determined to be more selfish and take time for each other. You are all amazing .