Disregulated 4 year old

[thesimplestuff]

Hi, I am really hoping someone could shed some light on my sons behaviour. My boy is well-spoken, curious and engaged, but then sometimes its like flicking a switch and he's completely out of sorts. He will suddenly start pestering the dog (eg pinching him with tweezers), or throw something on his younger brothers head (for no apparent reason) and when I tell him not to, he seems completely unphased. I've now exhausted all my disciplinary options, I've tried explaining nicely why certain behaviour is not okay, I've tried distracting him with something else, I've tried ignoring the behaviour (where I can without anyone getting hurt) and even time-out, nothing seems to work!).

To make matters worse, he does the same thing at school. According to his teachers, he's throwing things, deliberately bumping into things, running around uncontrollably and name calling (also encouraging others to name call). I now have to pick him up earlier from school on a regular basis because the school says he's unsettling the other children in his class. He regularly tells me he doesn't like going to his (Montessori) school, which he only attends in the morning (9-12:30). This is so frustrating for me - I'm a stay at home mom and I feel like I'm just not hitting the mark or understanding what my childs need are! I've tried understanding and acting on things from his perspective eg speaking to him about why he doesn't want to go to school/ why he behaves a certain way. I should mention that he also spends lots of one-on-one time with me and with his dad over the weekend so he's not lacking in affection/ attention. Something else that concerns me is that he has a habit of just bolting/ running away when we are on walks or outside the house which is terrifying! He seems to have a single-mindedness and complete lack of impulse control eg the other day we went to a big play park with another boy & his mom and I told him we need to stick together so we don't get lost but he just disappeared on his own for 10minutes and then acted completely unphased when we finally found him and I gave him a stern talking to.

I wonder if this behaviour could partially be ADHD? Or maybe I'm not setting enough firm boundaries. If anyone can provide some advice it would be greatly appreciated - its not only tiring, but very worrying as I can see my boy is just not content.

Have you given him a proper telling off ? Not necessarily shouting but extremely firm voice and the serious face. What is Dads input into the behavior for discipline? Does he behave better when his Dad is there?
If he runs away when out and about then he has to hold your hands or have reins. It’s as simple as that. No discussion.
When I took my DC to the park/playgroup at this age we had a conversation when entering the park how far away they could go. Eg the play park is fenced in - you must stay within the fence. And that we would leave if they didn’t listen and broke my rules.
Have him repeat what you require back to you and impose the consequence of leaving if he doesn’t follow the rules.
It could be adhd. But even if it is he still needs boundaries and consequences.
4 is very young. The impulse control and logic - 5 used to be considered the start of the age of reason - is still being developed.
If he is bright and imaginative maybe he is bored at school? This can often happen before real full time school starts.
Hopefully it gets better.

I'm also wondering if he hasn't heard the word "NO." A stern talking to is easy to ignore, so what is the real consequence? Did he have to go straight home from the park?

And when he gets bored at school and starts creating mayhem, he gets to go home. And what consequence? Why shouldn't he do it all again tomorrow? At age 4 I would look into this before considering ADHD etc.

Hi, thanks for your input. Yes I've given him a telling off - I get down to his level, have a serious face and look in his eyes, but it just doesn't seem to "register" with him. He has the same reaction with his dad. Thanks for the reminder about the play park boundaries - ie no further than the fence, although in the past when I've taken him home earlier from play because of behaviour he's not upset and just leaves unphased. I do think as you say, that he may be bored at school so might consider a different school if he bored/ not happy. From what I'm hearing, I'll just have to reinstall very firm boundaries as a start and then perhaps investigate the ADHD.

It could be ADHD. My daughter started to show significant symptoms around age 3 and was diagnosed at 7. Keep a diary of what you observe.

If it is down to poor impulse control, frankly, bollocking him won't help, but calmness, routines, predictability, looking out for triggers, patience etc will.

We also did a LOT of putting away or locking away things that caused problems. Lots of thinking ahead.

How much exercise does he get?
This does sound like it could be ADHD, but whether it is or not, exercise will help. I have parented both an ADHD and non ADHD boy that age, and both needed a lot of physical activity. Park daily, or alternatives like soft play if raining, as well as trampoline (either at a park or in the garden) or swimming or structured activities like football, gymnastics, music classes etc.
maybe the mornings are not enough at the Montessori school? Also Montessori doesn't work for all kids, nor do gentle parenting methods. Some kids need very firm clear boundaries and respond better to a more structured disciplined environment. But IME they all need a lot of physical activity at that age, so that would be a good place to start.

It could be ADHD. Though equating ADHD with cruelty to animals and other children is unpleasant.

It could also be that at 4 he's old enough to receive consequences for poor behaviour that neither you nor the nursery are putting in place.

You aren’t being consistent, so he is confused by the boundaries and lack of appropriate consequences.

You can’t flit from “telling off” to time out to explanations to ignoring. You need to pick a method and stick to it.

At the moment he doesn’t know what to expect and children find that really confusing and don’t know how to behave.

Time out isn’t a natural consequence, so it isn’t going to work. A “stern telling off” is fear based parenting and won’t achieve anything except to make you feel as though you’ve done something.

Any attention on a behaviour will see more of that behaviour. Ignore the bad, praise the good. Set consistent boundaries and natural consequences and expectations.

So if he hurts the dog or his brother, ignore him and get the dog/brother to a safe place. Role model empathy, show him how his actions make others feel.

Thank-you everyone for all your thoughts! There have been such good points raised by all of you - consistency is indeed what needs to be re-established. Thanks also for the advice about exercise, you've reminded me that I need to start planning a play/exercise routine together with some heavy lifting and general gross body movements.