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Original poster

Sons as adults

47 replies

rattlinbog · 23/02/2023 21:50

I'm expecting DS2 and thrilled for DS1 to have a brother. Feeling really lucky.

My only worry is that as adults they won't be as close to me as girls are to their mums!

Is this ludicrous?

It's certainly the case in the families I know sadly.

OP posts:

Turnipworkharder · 23/02/2023 22:23

My two adult sons are extremely close to me.
I keep trying to cut the 'apron strings' but they won't let go

I always gave them freedom and never made them feel guilty if they ever forgot mothers day.
Never criticised their girlfriends.

Maybe I've just been lucky with them.

Original poster

rattlinbog · 23/02/2023 22:25

Turnipworkharder · 23/02/2023 22:23

My two adult sons are extremely close to me.
I keep trying to cut the 'apron strings' but they won't let go

I always gave them freedom and never made them feel guilty if they ever forgot mothers day.
Never criticised their girlfriends.

Maybe I've just been lucky with them.

That's so nice. I have never forgotten Mother's Day and nor have my sisters. My brother has though!

OP posts:

dancingqueen345 · 23/02/2023 22:25

I think about this all the time!! I have one DS and I would love a second, and I always thought it would be so lovely to have 2 boys, but since having mine and seeing how much more involved my mum is rather than my MIL makes me worry a bit.

I love my MIL but she's not my mum!!I gravitate towards her naturally and so she has much more of a bond with my son. We also live a lot closer to my mum as it makes more sense because she does more childcare.

I appreciate people have totally different experiences to this but you're not being rediculous to worry about this slightly, and it's absolutely nothing to do with 'hating boys'!!

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Families

CuteCillian · 23/02/2023 22:28

My DH is really close to his DM, far closer than I am with my own Mother. DH is the go-to for his DM despite the fact his sister lives in the same village and we are over an hour away.
I feel a very close bond with my DS and hope this will always be the case.

FettleOfKish · 23/02/2023 22:30

Congratulations on your lovely babies OP!

DH is 100x closer to his Mum than I am to mine, if that reassures you! I can't remember the last time I spoke to my Mum on the phone (though we do text) whereas he speaks to his Mum 2-3 times a week like clockwork. We're all in different countries, or he'd see her just as regularly.

ourflagmeansdeath · 23/02/2023 22:33

My son's an adult and we're still incredibly, incredibly close. Definitely have an amazing bond! Just think of the all the father daughter bonds we see in the universe, don't stress at all.

jibbe · 23/02/2023 22:40

My 2 brothers weren’t as close to my Mum as me and weren’t there when it mattered all down to me. It really just depends but I do feel a lot can change when they get married- a daughter you have for life a son when he takes a wife - can often be true.
I have friends who are grandmothers that also seem to have more of a relationship with their grandchildren and the other side are pushed out which is v sad

Housefullofcatsandkids · 23/02/2023 22:50

I think it's less about boys Vs girls and more about personality and interests. My oldest is 21 and we have a great relationship. We go on nights out together, weekends away, have movie nights/games nights, he'll regularly message if he's away on tour (he's a wrestler). We have very similar personalities though and pretty similar interests so the places I would go for days out/nights out are usually places he'll want to go. His brother is 15 and I can imagine he will be similar when he's an adult, we spent the other night cuddled up on the couch watching Forrest Gump...in my experience boys are very loving even when they're older.

UsingChangeofName · 23/02/2023 22:54

Yes ludicrous to determine that a relationship with a parent is determined by what sex they are.

Sindonym · 23/02/2023 22:57

3 adult sons, all very close to me (& their dad). Think part of the secret for an ongoing involvement is to be welcoming to their partners. My middle son is the one with a serious girlfriend & she is lovely.

DramaAlpaca · 23/02/2023 22:59

I've three adult sons in their 20s and am very close to all of them. They're fab.

PurpleButterflyWings · 23/02/2023 23:04

I think as has been said, lots of boys are actually close to the mums and dads... as well as girls. I think girls/daughters do tend to gravitate towards the mums and dads more than boys do when they're older. But some boys will still be close. IME, when a daughter gets married, the couple do tend to gravitate more towards HER parents, and her parents get to see the grandkids more. I know a lot more daughters who are close to their parents, than sons who are. As I say, some sons remain close, but more daughters do. (IME and IMO.)

The only worry I think there should be for people if they've got boys - is if they get married and have kids with a woman, and the relationship breaks up, there's a possibility that you might see a lot less of the grandchildren, and even have them stripped from your life.

I have known many cases like this over the decades... where the paternal grandparents have been shut out when the couple splits, and the grandchildrens mother takes them from the paternal parents lives.

I know four cases right now, of couples who have broken up in the last 3 years. The grandparents, are all the 'paternal' grandparents (their SON is the father.) They are all absolutely devastated, as the mothers of their grandchildren, (their daughter-in-laws) have gone off with other men, or just left the county and moved 100s of miles away with the children. A couple of them haven't seen their grandchildren for over a year now. And they are absolutely devastated.

When it's a couple with an adult daughter, and she splits up with her husband, this doesn't tend to happen. The maternal grandparents definitely trump the paternal grandparents in a break up ... and to be honest with you, they'll generally trump the paternal grandparents before they're broken up. That doesn't mean the paternal grandparents will always be left out, or pushed out, but yes, for sure, the maternal ones definitely trump the paternal ones most of the time... People can deny this, but it's true.

JunkinDonuts · 23/02/2023 23:04

I have adult sons and daughters who are all married with their own children. They're all as close to me as they are to their father.

dontgobaconmyheart · 23/02/2023 23:18

It's complete supposition though, whatever a child grows up to be and what relationship they have with their family is determined over time, circumstance and to some degree nurture, only.

my DM has a son and a daughter (me), she lives with my brother, I have no interest in seeing either by brother or my mother and haven't done for years now, nobody is particularly bothered by this and I'm not sure my brother's even noticed.

DP rarely sees his mum (though perfectly civil), probably a couple of times a year for an occasion at best but we see his dad and his dad's family a lot despite the fact they live much further away simply because they make more effort and are closer.

In terms of friends I'd say it's an even split, I know lots of people who see neither parent for various reasons, some who's mum is their best friend regardless of their sex and some who favour one parent.

Gingerlygreen · 23/02/2023 23:23

I have to admit that most of the men I know aren't particularly close to their parents, they do the obligatiory birthday/ mothers day/Christmas and visit a few times in between but it's often facilitated by the wife or partner.

It's certainly true with my dh and has been with my exes, they've all loved their parents and had a good upbringing but it's been me who has had to remind them to buy cards and presents and get them to phone or visit.
The parents don't know they've had to be pushed though so as far as they're concerned their sons are great and keep in touch often.

StillMedusa · 23/02/2023 23:36

I have two adult girls and two adult boys... and dh and me are close to all of them :)
DS1 now lives in Australia (cos he went and married the most wonderful Aussie) so obviously we don't see him often, but he randomly pops up on FB video late at night for a chat. I miss his physical presence very much (he went out just before Covid hit) but he's been back once and we've been out there once, and going again next February... the bond is still great.

Day to day he messages his Dad different stuff to me, (thank heavens!)
DS2 still at home .
The girls have equally close, but different relationships with us, as one lives 200 miles away and the other up the road. But we've always welcomed their partners, let them get on with their lives and it's lovely. It's a rare day I don't get a message from most of them!

saraclara · 23/02/2023 23:41

When I read mumsnet I'm always glad that I have daughters, and that I'm not the dreaded MIL or paternal GM.

But having said that, my late DH was always super close to his mum and dad, while I only ever did brief duty visits to my difficult mum. And my MIL was massively more involved with our children than mine was. Even though the PILs lived 2.5 hours away. I loved them dearly.

So basically if, like my MIL you're loving, warm, accepting and don't have a bad word to say about anyone, you'll probably be fine.

MrsRosieBrew · 23/02/2023 23:55

Mine are 16 & 18 are we are all still really close. They still come on days out, shopping trips etc. with me, sometimes just them and sometimes with their girlfriends, too. I spend more time with my sons than my sister spends with her daughter (who is very often at her boyfriends house). Obviously I encourage my dc to be independent so they’ll fly the nest eventually but we will always be close and spend time together. Oh, and they love clothes shopping! That’s something I really thought I’d miss out on having boys but not at all. I wasn’t bothered if I had baby boys or girls but I couldn’t be happier that I had sons (I know that I would feel the same way if I had daughters). And when they get older, you get all the girl talk with their girlfriends.

Mercy1968 · 24/02/2023 00:03

I have an adult son and adult daughter both are close to me.

Ds is 35 next week and has been living at home for 5 years (has left home twice before but comes back). We are very similar in personality and interests and I think we will always be close even after he marries and moves abroad next year.

Dd is 29 and I m close to her too but she has always been more independent and feisty and doesn't seem to "need" me as much.

I don't think it's about sex or gender more personality.

Barleysugar86 · 24/02/2023 00:14

My husband talks to his mum on the phone multiple times a week. I call my mum about twice a month. So I don't think this is true at all!

romdowa · 24/02/2023 00:33

My grandmother had 7 sons and they were all very close to her. Her daughter and her werent close. It all depends on the individual really.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 24/02/2023 00:41

I'm not that close to my mum, her sister has a bunch of sons and they could not be any closer. It's all down to personality. In part the bond growing up, but also compatibility as adults.

I've brought my (late teen) sons up to be fairly independent individuals like I am, so don't expect they'll be in my pocket once they leave home. They're also terrible at responding to messages and missed calls, so if I want to stay close I'm going to have to put some work in and stay in contact another way.

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