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Original poster

Financial stability OR being there for your child...which wins?

21 replies

Cokacola74 · 23/02/2023 11:35

Single mother early thirties, one child aged 5 who lives with me. Went through some personal difficulties which put me into some debt last year, which I have been struggling to claw back from and, if anything, feels like a spiralling black hole.
Prior to DC I was on track for a good career in the creative industry. When I fell pregnant I became SAHM and DC father provided. We have now separated and it went to court re child arrangements order. DC lives with me and stays with father every other weekend. Father would like child to live with him.

My dilemma - which is MORE important to be a good parent... To provide financial stability OR to be present physically and emotionally?

Why do I ask? I work two jobs part time so that I can take DC to school, pay the bills etc but the money is not sufficient to cover everything and contribute towards clearing the debt. Everything is so tight and each month I am getting into a darker situation. It is unsustainable.
One solution would be to allow DC to live with father full time and reverse our roles so I had every other weekend. I could therefore return to my previous career and earn more, a lot more. Not just clearing the debt but financially changing my life and therefore being more able to provide a good quality of life for DC.

Just thinking that as an option, honestly, is awful for me. A big question is obviously what would DC want and what would make him most happy. I really don't know. He loves being at his dad's. He often asks to spend more time there which I accommodate ie he has him all half terms and extra time over holidays etc. But I just don't know if it's the right thing for him to be there full time. It would mean changing schools ... A whole lifestyle change.

I can't take on more work outside of school hours as have no help re childcare from family and friends and cannot afford to pay someone. If DC continues to live with me I am limited to working around school.

Son has only ever lived with me and had visitation with father. A big part of me thinks it's ludicrous to even consider DC not living with me... But part of me wonders if that is a selfish reason that I want him with me. And that actually as a parent the best thing I can do for him is ensure he grows up with stability. Would things be more stable if he lived with his father? I just don't know. His dad has a house in the country with garden etc. I'm in a flat, son always says wish we had garden etc ...

Please don't be unkind. I love my son more than anything. He is my world, my best friend, I do everything for his health and happiness and just want the best for him. I just don't know, right now, what is best.

OP posts:

Usernamebuffering · 23/02/2023 11:42

Child is 5 I'd be looking to work one full time job if I were you, it would make you far less stressed which would in turn make you far more present. Good luck with whatever you decide though.

Quitelikeit · 23/02/2023 11:44

Can I ask why it went through the courts for contact?

Was it forced by you?

Quitelikeit · 23/02/2023 11:46

I ask because why go to court to achieve mostly full care when in reality it was not suitable for your circumstances?

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TeeBee · 23/02/2023 11:48

If he's 5, can you not organise wrap-around care for him and work a full time job? Many couples do this but (as a single mother myself), I appreciate you also need to cover child illness and school holidays. Wouldn't his father be working full time if he had residency anyway?

Original poster

Cokacola74 · 23/02/2023 11:50

@Quitelikeit we went to court as both wanted child to live with us however due to distance between homes a 50/50 care arrangement was not suitable as it involved too much travel for DC. At the time of court I was stable, it is a situation last year where financially things unravelled and that I've been trying to get back from.

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 23/02/2023 11:50

I mean if you are amicable with your ex why not explain the circumstances to him and see what he suggests

I see what you are saying but many people would not even entertain the thought of what you are thinking

As a mother you have to make sacrifices and these are just some of them that you are making now.

why can’t you get a job in your industry and hire a childminder for after school? you said it pays well?

Why not go to step change re your debts?

Fundays12 · 23/02/2023 11:52

In your circumstances I would be looking at full time work and changing contact agreements so your DS spends far more school holidays with your ex to accommodate childcare. Can you use wrap around care? Can your ex pick up your dc s couple of days a week from school, keep them overnight and drop him to school. You maybe need to look far more at shared custody but get a written agreement on it

Quitelikeit · 23/02/2023 11:52

Step change can help you come to an agreement with the organisations you owe money to

ie you could pay back £1 a month

minipie · 23/02/2023 11:52

What will your DC father do for childcare if DC lives with him? Does his job pay enough to cover wraparound and holiday clubs/childminder etc ?

Does DC father pay child maintenance?

RunTowardsTheLight · 23/02/2023 11:53

Surely you can't afford childcare because you're in a low paid job. If you went back to your previous well paid job you'd be able to afford childcare?

Badger1970 · 23/02/2023 11:54

If life is this stressful, can you move closer to Dad and share 50/50? If you haven't got support and childcare it's not much to lose out on?

minipie · 23/02/2023 11:54

I agree that a term time/school holidays split seems worth exploring

LikeSpinningPlates · 23/02/2023 11:55

Is his father single?

I couldn’t let my child go to another mother figure whilst I’m alive.

Quitelikeit · 23/02/2023 11:56

Also have you checked the universal credit calculator as usually you will get help with childcare costs up to 80pc

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 23/02/2023 11:57

I know its easier said then done when it seems the obvious solution in your circumstances but I couldn't be the 'weekend' parent. I don't mean that insensitively.

Can't you return to work in your industry full time and use childminders / before / after school clubs? The extra money will help pay towards those whilst allowing your son to live with you and you may also be entitled to tax credits to help with the cost.

If his dad is happy to have him school holidays then you don't need to worry about those either?

Most parents work till 5/6pm each night with children at childminders and then you still have everyday, tea, bedtime together. This would be the most 'balanced' option.

Original poster

Cokacola74 · 23/02/2023 11:58

Taking previous well paid job would involve being away a lot etc. For those in film industry you'll know what I mean. Can be away weeks/months at a time... Couldn't take that on on basis of wrap around care etc..
It would be that I'd be away most of the time and seeing DC every other weekend and for holidays when I would schedule gaps in work.

Thank you for those suggesting a full time job with wraparound care. I'm going to look at options for this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cokacola74 · 23/02/2023 12:02

@LikeSpinningPlates he's not single. His partner is lovely and my son really likes her. Son knows the difference between me - his mum - and his father's partner though.
My son living with her is not a concern for me. I'm just happy he has another person in his life that loves him and will support him. I think that's healthy tbh..

OP posts:

ApocalypseNowt · 23/02/2023 12:02

Definitely contact Stepchange or Christians Against Poverty (you don't have to be a Christian btw, they'll help anyone!) if you're struggling to pay debts.

There's no pressure to take up the solutions they offer you and it's free unbiased advice.

audweb · 23/02/2023 12:03

I work full time with wrap around care. I used school clubs. It’s fine as a lone parent, I pretty much have full custody as the dad is only interested in helping occasionally. I’ve done it for years, my child is happy, it’s all she’s known. My biggest issue is holidays but I use a mixture of holiday club/time off/ other help. If the dad is happy to help during holidays that will ease your stress.

RunTowardsTheLight · 23/02/2023 12:08

From what you've said, it could be an option OP. Don't ignore this option because of mum guilt if it would genuinely be a good solution for your family.

JussathoB · 23/02/2023 12:10

It’s very important to be present physical and emotionally for your child at the age of 5, and you also say you want to be with him so in your situation I would hang on in there and don’t suggest DC going to live majority of time with your ex. It’s great that your DS loves time at his fathers etc of course.
Take the advice of posters re one job and UC and debt advice. Also it depends on your relationship but could you approach your ex to see what he could help with, whether it’s more help with childcare or maybe a little financial help which might improve things??

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