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Original poster

Help me make some life decisions.

13 replies

NCSQ · 23/02/2023 06:35

I have been stuck in a rut for some time and would love some different perspectives to help me move forwards.

When the pandemic started, I was in my late 30s, in a well-paid job with a great trajectory, and in a relationship that I thought had a future. During the pandemic, my relationship ended and I experienced workplace bullying that forced me to leave my job. I then had long Covid, which knocked me out for six months. I gained a lot of weight, which affected my personal confidence a lot. However, I had counselling to help me process the bullying. I found a new job. My health got back to normal and I got fit through regular exercise. I also saved up for a deposit on a new flat that would be a much-needed step up from the small starter flat I am currently in. Things were looking more positive.

Since then, things have plateaued quite a bit. After 18 months in my new job it is clearly not working out. I don't have the right skills (the hiring process was misleading) and I am wfh full-time which is making me very lonely (there is no office, so going in is not an option). I no longer enjoy work and my professional confidence has all but disappeared. I have also had to recognise that I may never have children due to my single status and the fact that I am now 42 (I don't want to do it alone). I would still like to move but am beginning to worry about tying myself into a bigger financial commitment when my new job is not working out and the economy has now collapsed.

Before the pandemic, I had so much energy and enthusiasm. Now I feel like a different person. I would like to leave my job and take some time off work altogether. My main issues are being lonely, feeling like I have lost the career I had worked so hard for (and loved) and low confidence (my weight) that prevents me from doing anything like applying for interviews or online dating. However, I fully appreciate that I have a lot to be grateful for in terms of my health, current home and enough savings to take time out if I wanted to. I am just struggling to get out of my own head and see things clearly.

My question is, WWYD in my circumstances? Where would you start? Would you consider taking time out from work, or is it too risky to step off the career ladder? Would you move, or stay put? What would make the biggest difference, in your view? I would be grateful for some input to help me pull myself out of this rut.

TIA Flowers

OP posts:
watchfulwishes · 23/02/2023 06:44

I'm sorry you had that bad run, you've done amazingly to bounce back Flowers.

Regarding taking time out, I would want a plan for what I'd use the time for before I quit.

I would probably start by looking for a new job with reduced hours so I had income but also time.

Regarding the flat upgrade - how much do you want to do that first? Because you could focus on moving first then reducing hours.

Also can you get counselling help? You've been through quite a lot, the loss of your relationship and family plans is quite hard. Do you have friends/family you can chat to?

isthistoonosy · 23/02/2023 06:50

I'm your age and have had the same stuck in a rut feeling, although different cicumstances.
I took a break from my normal job and did a 6 month consulting project closley related but in a new industry. It was a really good way to kind of wake me up. Is that an option in your line of work?

Or could you take a break to complete some training too move you sideways or upwards and perk up your worklife?

Original poster
NCSQ · 23/02/2023 07:03

Thank you both. I really want to move home because I think it would be a great new start and a fun project. I also want to move somewhere with more of a community feel to help with the loneliness. However, I also need to accept that if I do not find a new job at the same level of pay, I can't afford the bigger property.

In terms of taking a break, I would position it as a sabbatical and use it for personal study/skills development. There is a lot that I am interested in within my field that I would love to spend time immersed in. I am also partway through a qualification that won't change my career trajectory as such, but will add another string to my bow if I complete it well. I would also like to use the time to reconnect with friends, find some new interests and put more time and energy into losing the weight that I have gained.

However, I feel some urgency around the work situation because, although no one else has said so, I think I will be seen as underperforming before long. I don't want to go through that because I previously had a great reputation and confidence. The job is wrong for me and I think it is better to take it into my own hands and leave sooner rather than later. I think this means within approximately the next three months, which limits my options for more incremental change.

My fear is that if I leave my job I could end up feeling even further away from the person that I used to be. But I don't think that I can just find another job and be confident it is the right next step.

I don't really want any more counselling. I find that it keeps me stuck in the problems rather than moving forwards. I know others have better experiences but I think I can ruminate too much and need a kick to take action more than anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCSQ · 23/02/2023 07:04

isthistoonosy · 23/02/2023 06:50

I'm your age and have had the same stuck in a rut feeling, although different cicumstances.
I took a break from my normal job and did a 6 month consulting project closley related but in a new industry. It was a really good way to kind of wake me up. Is that an option in your line of work?

Or could you take a break to complete some training too move you sideways or upwards and perk up your worklife?

@isthistoonosy what was it about the project that 'woke you up'? I am open to different ideas but am keen to stabilise.

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 23/02/2023 07:28

I would go back to counselling. I would also check if you’re not peri menopausal.
If you don’t work weekends, would you consider working in a pub on a Friday/Saturday? Of a cafe at lunch? Just to get you out, talk to people.
I would also go on a holiday. Nothing like a change of scenery for a fresh perspective.

I’d also work on being more focused. What I mean is, say, you want to move. Work your socks off and ensure you have enough funds to see you through a move and being out of work for 2-3 months. While the whole house selling and buying goes through, job hunt relentlessly.

HTH.

watchfulwishes · 23/02/2023 07:34

My fear is that if I leave my job I could end up feeling even further away from the person that I used to be.

I think this suggests you could benefit from counselling tbh - you have a preconceived idea (that you need to stay close to the person you used to be) which is potentially holding you back from a future where you could be happy. This is possibly because you haven't got over the losses or come to terms with the changes.

All this is pop psychology as I've only read a few posts but you've had a pretty massive period of change and more change is possibly the wrong way to go. A bit of healing might help.

MissMarplesbag · 23/02/2023 08:00

My fear is that if I leave my job I could end up feeling even further away from the person that I used to be.

I would say the opposite, your current job and life situation is taking you away from who you used to be and preventing you from moving forward. I think changing jobs to a hybrid role would suit you, a mix of team & lone working.

Sit down and write a list of goals for the next 6 months and then plan for it. You need to list small, achievable targets that you can reach & cross off. Send your CV off to agencies and to any jobs that you see advertised that you're interested in.

For example, redo your CV and cover letter templates, maybe book into see a career adviser. Having an external opinion often helps you to explore alternative avenues that you might not have considered before.

Shitfather · 23/02/2023 08:43

Rent the flat out and travel for a few weeks/months. Sounds like you need a circuit breaker from your current existence. Taking yourself out of this rut may give you a new perspective.

isthistoonosy · 23/02/2023 08:59

It showed me a different industry and work style it was very fast paced, long hours, lots of travel etc compared to my mostly wfh 9 to 5 regular job.
Good fun for a while but not something I want long term. Made me both appreciate what I have and get some energy to improve in a structured direction. So more social activity and studying to move sideways.

Original poster
NCSQ · 23/02/2023 12:30

Thank you all fir the replies. There is some good advice here and it's good other some opposing views.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCSQ · 23/02/2023 12:32

MissMarplesbag · 23/02/2023 08:00

My fear is that if I leave my job I could end up feeling even further away from the person that I used to be.

I would say the opposite, your current job and life situation is taking you away from who you used to be and preventing you from moving forward. I think changing jobs to a hybrid role would suit you, a mix of team & lone working.

Sit down and write a list of goals for the next 6 months and then plan for it. You need to list small, achievable targets that you can reach & cross off. Send your CV off to agencies and to any jobs that you see advertised that you're interested in.

For example, redo your CV and cover letter templates, maybe book into see a career adviser. Having an external opinion often helps you to explore alternative avenues that you might not have considered before.

@MissMarplesbag This really struck me as the right kind of approach. I think you are onto something. It is as though the knocks have turned me into someone who doesn't take action anymore. I also think that I need to move forwards in order to stop looking back, not to spend more time looking back via counselling, etc. I am inclined to reflect too much instead of letting go.

I like the idea of small, achievable actions that could help me to move on.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCSQ · 23/02/2023 12:35

BuddhaAtSea · 23/02/2023 07:28

I would go back to counselling. I would also check if you’re not peri menopausal.
If you don’t work weekends, would you consider working in a pub on a Friday/Saturday? Of a cafe at lunch? Just to get you out, talk to people.
I would also go on a holiday. Nothing like a change of scenery for a fresh perspective.

I’d also work on being more focused. What I mean is, say, you want to move. Work your socks off and ensure you have enough funds to see you through a move and being out of work for 2-3 months. While the whole house selling and buying goes through, job hunt relentlessly.

HTH.

Thanks @BuddhaAtSea I also like the idea of an intense period of focus on the job hunt whilst I push through on a house move.

I am having treatment for hormonal stuff already. My doctor doesn't think I am perimenopausal but if I am then I should know soon and hopefully get help.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCSQ · 23/02/2023 15:36

Bumping in hope of any more ideas from the afternoon crowd Grin

OP posts:
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