Should I take this up with the school?

[TeddyandTom]

Would appreciate some perspective. DD in Y4 has always been happy at school, until this academic year. Suddenly her high grades have gone down and she’s crying and begging to stay at home. She is never praised or picked for anything although other DC come out of school with whole rows of stickers on their jumpers. Teacher says she’s fine at school, but this unhappiness is new.

Separately DD is very musical and also extremely good at a particular sport (always 1st in her year at this, despite being average at all other sports). Recently school gave a concert and she wasn’t picked to perform, despite being the most advanced in her instrument in the school. In a competition against another school in her sport, again she wasn’t picked to take part. I feel she’s invisible.

Will I become “that” parent if I go into school and ask what’s going on. Her confidence is at rock bottom and she feels she is always overlooked and unimportant. I want to help her, but worried I’ll make things worse.

If they are having a concert my feeling would be that they should all be given the opportunity to take part. What proportion were picked? I would probably let it slide.

The sports think tips it over the edge. I think you would be justified to ask her teacher for a chat. Not an all guns blazing thing but a chance for you to say she is struggling and confidence knocked due to concert, sport etc.

You have to be 'that' parent to champion your child. If you don't, no one else will. You don't need to be critical, harsh and spiky about it though. It's possible to ask her class teacher gently and with concern for dd. I definitely would be in more communication with them about your DD's needs.

Be that parent! Why wouldn't you?

You should speak to her teacher about this. It might be just a coincidence rather than deliberate exclusion, but if they are aware, they can make more effort to include her.

Is everything ok at home? Has anything happened at home/personal life that could be affecting her? Divorce/arguments/illness /bereavement/loss of pet, that sort of thing? Are there any friendship issues at school?

Does DD have opportunities outside of sch that other students in class may not have access to? If so, does DD enjoy these extra curricular?

I’d definitely be having an informal chat to ask how children are selected for concerts and sporting events.

I would go in on the premise of wanting to talk to them about how to increase your DD's self-confidence as she is feeling low. This conversation will give you a context to explore why she isn't being picked for things.

There might be a reason- maybe they ask children to sign up and your DD is too shy to do it or maybe the sports thing is specific year groups and your DD got the wrong end of the stick about who went.

What’s your feeling about the class teacher? My DS had 2 teachers who didn’t get him at all

You can be that parent without being brash and argumentative which is sounds like you’re not anyway! Best of luck op, horrible to see them sad

Yes take it up. I had a teacher like this when I was at school. I was top of the year in nearly everything, and my favourite subject was art. I moved into this teacher's class and she constantly told me I was working at an F/G grade with no feedback on what she thought was so crap about my work. She predicted me to get a G. I changed schools before GCSEs and got a C but my confidence was shattered and I never did art after that. I do wonder what I could have done without a teacher who just wanted to make a point. Please advocate for your child. It's easy to lose confidence when you're ahead of the pack because everyone constantly tears you down to "put you in your place" and when you do well, instead of saying well done they ignore you.

Agree that you can be 'that' parent without coming across as rude. I would ask for a little chat. Even just to be able to explain to your daughter why other children were chosen. I do find that schools often like to mix up match players because otherwise it's the same kids playing and the same kids who don't get a turn. If she's good at her sport, maybe look for a team outside of school too?

I explained to my well behaved and achieving child (who is often overlooked for reward stickers) that those with stickers are usually the children who are still learning (either academically or behaviour). My son now gets the system a bit more and realises it isn't personal against him, it's personal for the tricky kids.

Thank you for such kind and thoughtful responses. I generally take the view that the school knows what it’s doing, so appreciate the consensus that I need to go in.

In answer to questions, all’s ok at home so nothing to explain the change from a home perspective. Other DC from her year were picked for sport and concert, so very much open to her age group.

Im going to look in to clubs outside school for her sport to hopefully encourage her and boost her confidence.