What did she say when you confronted her about it?

[Wellthatwasweird]

Apologies if this has been done recently, but this kind of statement drives me absolutely crazy! I can't put my finger on what aspect of it drives me so nuts, but think it's the snidey, patronising, condescending tone, while also kind of trying to trip the OP up while simultaneously make her look like a big stupid pushover.

Any time anyone ever asks me a question like this on mumsnet (never happens in real life) I ignore it because its so snivelly, snotty, prefecty and goody two shoesy for me to respond to. A simple 'Did you speak to him about it?' has a much more genuine feel to it and doesn't seem to be loaded with as much tight lipped, sneering, cynicism. 'And what did he say when you asked him about it'? has a subtle undertone of 'I bet you didn't even ask him about it, you total idiot, like I would have, and I hope you feel really stupid!'.

When I was in primary school, there was a group of girls who were the class tell-tales. They loved nothing more that catching you doing something you weren't supposed to be doing, like bringing your yoyo out at breaktime. They always put one hand on their hip and wobbled their head from side to side as they threatened to tell Miss that you broke the rules. These mumsnet commenters remind me of my annoying primary school tell-tales.

Is anybody with me!? Can someone help me to understand why these kinds of comments make my teeth clamp together? It's so pukey!

Just me?

I can see both sides really; it’s annoying when a poster clearly hasn’t even spoken to the other person- there’s no way to resolve anything without communication.

I agree, but why not just ask 'did you confront x about this'? Rather than pretending you really think the OP has had it out with the person in question when you suspect they haven't. There is something really unpleasant, disingenuous and sneery about acting like you don't know the OP probably hasn't said anything yet. A simple question would be fine.

It's even worse when the sentence starts with 'And...'

I disagree.
I presume that the very point of phrasing it like that is to highlight that isn't some wonderful pearl of wisdom, but is the absolute minimum starting point.

I get what you mean about the tone, and I don't post it myself; but when I see it I usually think 'actually, fair point'. So many threads where it appears would be unnecessary if an effort had been made to tackle the issue directly in RL.

Totally agree with you OP. Just seen one asking what happened when you confronted a theif. Was posted just after the OP said she had confronted them. Made the poster look a right wazzock...rather than simply a smug smartarse.

Yes I saw that one too and the poster looked a bit silly.

Again, I get how frustrating it is when the OP isn't communicating, but surely 'and what did they say when you had it out with them?, rather than 'did you ask them why they did that? Why not?' is passive aggressive and not clear communication either? It's just said to make the OP feel small.

I agree. Smug middle management type with a nice house, perfect children and on the PTA 😂

Because some posters exist to be PA and contrary I guess.

Yes, it always looks as though they are just trying to trip the OP up. If they were kinder they'd just say "have you actually spoken to them about this".

I agree OP. I've just read a thread where the first 3 posters said exactly this. It feels like such a gotcha.

Unassertive people drive alerting people crazy so I suppose it works in both directions.

What do you mean by 'alerting people'?

Autocucumber meant that. I meant assertive.

It's the endless PA nonsense and 'they should know how I feel'. Because being psychic is actually more difficult than asking someone.

I don't mind if someone is unassertive and then lives with it. It's the expectation that the world should revolve around the person's lack of assertiveness, everyone should act according to what they want even though they don't ask.

I may have mother-related trauma over this

I thought this was some new fangled term I didn't know! 😂i really do get how annoying it is when people don't assert their feelings or boundaries but what's wrong with just asking 'did you tell them, and if not, why not?' Rather than posters pretending they think the OP said something when they know full well that they most likely didn't. There's just something manipulative about it.

Drives me mad too that, you can hear the tone it's posted in too, I read a post and know it's coming

The tone is horrible. It's just so sneery.