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Original poster

Abusive Neighbour

13 replies

Neighbour23 · 21/02/2023 16:00

I just wanted some advice on how to deal with this situation please?

Neighbour has had a massive stroke and has obviously lost inhibitions, struggles with memory and physically etc. I was always really pleasant with him and friendly. He would then make sexual comments to me, but I handled them well and batted them back at him. I know he can't help it. Then one day it became it bit too much as he sort of made a lurch at me and was demanding kisses.

After this I really kept away as it had unsettled me, and even though he is not great at walking, he is still a man getting in my face. He didn't like me being cool with him and one day started to cry. I sent my dh out to deal with him and he immediately stopped which made me think that he does know what he's doing.

Lately when I see him he has started shouting at me that he hates me. Over and over. It's actually really upsetting as I'm just going about my business, and life is hard enough. I was looking over my shoulder earlier worried that he was going to come after me as he was so angry at me.

How do I play this? Just keep ignoring him? Is he any kind of threat? Dh doesn't seem that bothered. I think he lives with his wife, but I don't know her.

OP posts:
SqueakyCleanZoe · 21/02/2023 16:10

I would avoid, but it's not nice to have this hanging over you. You need to have boundaries and they need to be understood by everyone so that you can feel relaxed within them, and if he crosses them then there needs to be consequences.
Is there any way you can talk to his wife about it...in the nicest and most positive way?

Bigmummaof2 · 21/02/2023 16:12

I think if it happens again would your DH be comfortable in having a conversation with his DW to try and make her aware of the situation and let her know it’s making you uncomfortable? So sorry OP. Sounds awful!

threeplusmum · 21/02/2023 16:17

I'd just ignore him. He should eventually get the message.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 21/02/2023 17:00

So, people tend to be too understanding when someone has a mental health illness or dementia caused by stroke etc. he sounds disinhibited and his behaviour is threatening to you.

You've tried ignoring him and not engaging and he's still shouting at you

I would suggest you video him shouting at you and report to police that he is harassing you when you leave your house or are in the back garden and it's causing you distress. Make a statement to the police that includes previous lunge at you to kiss you.

What will then happen is they may visit and a report will be made to local adults health and care in his name about his behaviour - which then doesn't require his or his wife's consent.

You won't know what situation his wife is in. She may have been asking for help from GP or older persons mental health team ; she may also be tiptoeing around him. Or scared. Or covering for her loved one.

Once he's in the radar having had one report, even if nothing much happens initially (you won't be told, and will be given victim support services advice) - if he continues you report again. The more reports the more likely services will have to intervene

It's a very sad situation if he was lovely before his stroke and his behaviour has markedly changed. It sounds like front lobe damage. That's very difficult.

Don't let his wife talk you out of reporting as ultimately it covers you and your safety and may help her get more support. So for eg sometimes police reports like this help someone get CHC continuing healthcare funding (even for card support at home) as it's independent evidence of unpredictable aggressive behaviour that his wife would find hard to evidence

That's one reason I find it frustrating when people don't report or police NFA something- although they are still require to report police contact with a vulnerable adult notification to adult services. Keep reporting as long aa it keeps happening.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 21/02/2023 17:00

Or front garden...

Lambchop1 · 21/02/2023 17:03

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 21/02/2023 17:00

So, people tend to be too understanding when someone has a mental health illness or dementia caused by stroke etc. he sounds disinhibited and his behaviour is threatening to you.

You've tried ignoring him and not engaging and he's still shouting at you

I would suggest you video him shouting at you and report to police that he is harassing you when you leave your house or are in the back garden and it's causing you distress. Make a statement to the police that includes previous lunge at you to kiss you.

What will then happen is they may visit and a report will be made to local adults health and care in his name about his behaviour - which then doesn't require his or his wife's consent.

You won't know what situation his wife is in. She may have been asking for help from GP or older persons mental health team ; she may also be tiptoeing around him. Or scared. Or covering for her loved one.

Once he's in the radar having had one report, even if nothing much happens initially (you won't be told, and will be given victim support services advice) - if he continues you report again. The more reports the more likely services will have to intervene

It's a very sad situation if he was lovely before his stroke and his behaviour has markedly changed. It sounds like front lobe damage. That's very difficult.

Don't let his wife talk you out of reporting as ultimately it covers you and your safety and may help her get more support. So for eg sometimes police reports like this help someone get CHC continuing healthcare funding (even for card support at home) as it's independent evidence of unpredictable aggressive behaviour that his wife would find hard to evidence

That's one reason I find it frustrating when people don't report or police NFA something- although they are still require to report police contact with a vulnerable adult notification to adult services. Keep reporting as long aa it keeps happening.

This. Absolutely this. Report it.

Original poster
Neighbour23 · 21/02/2023 18:11

@WhereIsMumHiding3

Thank you for the great advice. I like the idea of filming him, but obviously don't want to anger him even more. I feel like I do need to record/report it somewhere as I feel it could escalate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neighbour23 · 22/02/2023 02:18

Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
rwalker · 22/02/2023 04:54

No advice on the situation but made dad had frontal temporal dementia and would be exactly as your neighbour is

the situation needs resolving but I thank you for the understanding of the situation

my dad was just judged and written off as a nasty dirty old man . The majority of people refused to see this behaviour was due to illness and made life and dealing with it a lot worse

we would of been very grateful if anyone would of approached us and told us so we could deal with it

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 23/02/2023 01:14

You can film with your mobile phone in your top pocket id at eight length with camera facing outwards , if you have a shirt like that

It's easier and subtler to do than people realise

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 23/02/2023 01:14

Sorry mistype ...

If at right length

BananaCocktails · 23/02/2023 01:17

Have a chat with his wife and let her know how he is behaving. Maybe she can shed some light on it if he is suffering from some kind of condition.
if it continues, and you are social renting, tell the council or housing association who could give him a warning
if that does not apply and it still continues I would speak to the police as this is clearly harassment and threatening behaviour and it is actually against the law. Him having a medical condition did not absolve him of his behaviour.

Original poster
Neighbour23 · 23/02/2023 05:00

Thank you everyone. I've actually had a chat with dh tonight and made him aware of how I feel and how I would appreciate some support. He gets on with the man and hates confrontation, but I said it would be nice if he stood up for me. I don't think women can get on with him as everything is so sexualised.

OP posts:
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