Siblings fighting

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I know it’s normal but I’m finding the fighting between DDs who are 4 and 7, pretty intense, and wondering if any of you have any wisdom to share. They did share a room for a while but now don’t, and we try to make their own stuff clear, defend them on that etc. I do think they both get a decent bit of 1-1 time with us, could be better but several hours here and there spread around the week.

7yr old is very irritable with the wee one, finds everything she does annoying, and shows off to her about all the things she can do that youngest can’t.

4yr old is loud, interrupts a lot, good at diverting attention away from bigger one, sometimes deliberately it seems but often just through being young. She has been saying things like ‘I’m annoying’ and I worry about her self esteem.

We have been trying to allow older one to express some of her frustrations outwith wee ones earshot, which I think helps how she feels for a while but the ‘put downy’ chat as we describe it to her starts up again before long.

Sorry that’s long. Other people seem to have kids with lovely relationships, I just wish they could like one another better (or big one would like wee one, I think that’s the main issue).

Two DDs here, one 5 and one 6.

They get on well for the most part but the older one does definitely get annoyed with the younger one.

I think what works for us was calling out the negative behaviour and as they’re both at school I can say to DD5 ‘you wouldn’t interrupt a school friend like that would you?’ and I can say to DD6 ‘I know you’re more patient with your friends when they are being annoying’. it doesn’t always work but it does make them stop and think.

Mother of 5 kids here, all of whom mostly got along but two of then fought like cat and dog through their childhood and into their teens. They are now full on adults and great friends.

I feel like it’s a lottery. Sometimes they just don’t gel and you have to kind of just accept it, subject to ground rules like no physical violence/ swearing ( mine are older)/ destruction of property. But yeah, some days it’s exhausting.

I'd say:
Give them their own space.
Make sure that you spend time doing things with the older as well as the younger.
Don't expect the older one to always understand and step back "because they're older and should understand".
Have them have their own hobbies, not just have the younger take up all that the older one does.

But also spend time with them together all playing a board game. Pick up on nice behaviour as well as poor behaviour. Have a treat at the end so if they get all the way through with no arguing then (without having told them before) have a chocolate biscuit each.

I found when they were older (so about 11/7yo) then doing things together on their own with the older one feeling responsible (so looking out for the younger one) and the younger one feeling very importantly big to be trusted (so listening to the older one) really was good for them. Letting them cook a cake together-I think ours did a meal at about that age. The kitchen was chaos, but they'd spent all afternoon cooperating! Or go to the shops together... that sort of thing.