Do you think my boyfriends mum think I’m not good enough for him?

[EllaRosie]

I’ve been with my BF for a year now and things are going well. We are both working professionals, 29, living in London.

We get on really well, lots of similar interests and we enjoy each others company, there’s just one issue that keeps arising.

I am from a midlands working class town, grew up on an industrial estate, parents both worked full time and grandparents looked after us. We never went without but there were periods where we had no money. My parents do pretty what I’d call standard jobs, my mums in the NHS and dads in the civil service.

BF’s always lived a more “affluent” life. His Dad earns seven figures and his mum has always been a stay at home mum. He grew up in the Home Counties in a very big house on a private estate and they’ve never struggled for money.

Now this has never been a problem for me or my boyfriend but I recently met his parents and it seems an issue for them. We went there for dinner, we took a bottle of the wine and some tulips for his mum, and some beer for his dad he likes. Good start I thought, then came the jabs over dinner about my “northerness”

Firstly, when I said hello to the family his mum said “oh god you really are northern aren’t you” which we sort of laughed off. But then throughout the night both his parents started asking me about myself.

They’d asked me about growing up and I said about how I lived in such such town etc and his mum kept saying “oh that must’ve been hard” to pretty much everything I said and even when she asked about my siblings and I told her what they do, she said “oh they’ve done so well given the circumstances”. Boyfriend didn’t chime in and me wanting to be polite didn’t sort of say anything:

but the WORST part of the whole of last weekend was when I’d only brought a leather jacket and everyone decided to go for a woodland walk, and his mum said in front of the whole group to me as went to go walking “Oh you’ll be cold in just that jacket Ella, I could see if I’ve got one of my bigger coats just not sure if I’ll have anything on hand, if not you could borrow one of BF DF coats instead and that should fit”

Ah! Just seemed like she disliked me the whole time, I guess I might be reading into things. BF says she’s just nosy but I don’t know 😔

It's hard to tell. My main ex's mother didn't like me, I think she thought I was a bad influence. She barely spoke to me only asking if I'd like a cup of coffee etc. I think it nearly killed her to compliment my Christmas dinner one year

They sound like appalling snobs.

Difficult to tell, if you were telling her stuff that was quite hard then sounds like she was trying to show empathy with that sounds so hard and then the they’ve done so well considering what you’ve just said is complimentary. What did you want her to say, that sounds brilliant?

as for the coat, not sure, would her coats fit you?

Boyfriend didn’t chime in

Keep your eye on this, rather than what she's up to.

If she didn't like you she wouldn't care that you hadn't got a coat that would keep you warm.

You're overthinking it. And stop talking yourself down, there's nothing wrong with being northern. Although you lived on an industrial estate? Are you sure? There aren't usually family homes on industrial estates.

Hey yes, directly behind our garden
there is a row of factories.

Also why were you telling her all this op on a first meeting? Usually at this stage it’s High level answers, let me ask about you about you.

so when she asks about growing up just say yes it was fab , really close knit family, we were lucky, we didn’t have child care. With our grandparents during the day , always got what we want.

I don’t comprehend what you were telling her over dinner that sounded so hard.

Tbh nothing there sounds awful to me, your upbringing does sound harder than they would be used to, and you and your siblings have clearly done well! As for the coat thing, that's a country one I'm afraid. Us country folk are used to people from more urban backgrounds being unprepared and she was just making sure you were warm I suspect!

I think you're overthinking. All her comments are innocuous, especially the coats one, she thought you might be cold and offered to look for a warmer coat for you, what's offensive about that?

Hey yes, directly behind our garden there is a row of factories

but that’s not living in an industrial estate. That’s living beside one. I’m assuming there were not factories on either side of you and in front?

my grandparents have a rail track at rhe bottom of their garden. But they don’t live in a train station.

It was after a few glasses of wine and BF and his dad went off to look at something on the comp and his mum asked me a lot of questions that were I guess quite personal but my answers I felt were normal.

Her “does your mum work as an x full time then?” Me “Yeah she does, she loves it though” her “Oh bless her, must be so hard still working at x age” my mum is 55 😭

im probably overthinking it I just felt a bit like I was there for amusement it’s probably the after panic and nerves talking.

We lived on a road that had several factories on it and few houses
and factories behind our house. Our estate is called “so and so industrial estate”

happy to send you the actual location so you can take a look if you want to DM me?

OP even if she doesn’t like you or has come across a bit snobby, this was just the first meeting so there is nothing to say that she won’t come around after a while. Just be your confident self and don’t let it dent your self esteem! Maybe she is similarly regretting her own comments and is anxious that she made you feel uncomfortable with too personal questions. Just relax and enjoy your life and be super friendly the next time you see them and trust that they’ll come around. And if they don’t you can deal with that then. No point worrying yourself now and don’t go on about it to your DP either.

It did sound like you were doing a bit of a 4 Yorkshiremen sketch with the whole times were hard stuff. Why would you even mention it other than yes, I come from "Northern Town", my mum is a nurse and my dad works for the tax office etc. Completely unremarkable even if you're posh.

In reality your parents are/were normal working people/civil servants. And you were minded by grandparents when they worked so what? And you could see a factory out of your window? Again, so what. It doesn't mean you were impoverished or downtrodden or underprivileged.

But in all fairness, if someone from the South said to me about how Northern I was, I'd have gone into full Ee Bah Gum mode and I'm disappointed that you didn't.

The mother sounds horrible.

They're snobs wrapped in the civility of pleasant host mode.
Your bf might not be able to see it or is embarrassed or doesn't care - impossible to know.

I was in your position, I married him and his dad tried to talk him out of it on his stag do (cracking timing fil!)
20 years later, two beautiful children who are a dream and a DH happy as a pig in muck with a wife who makes him happy and supports him to realise his dreams I'm... finally.... accepted by the il's (2 decades of proving myself) 😆
Meanwhile I've just let it all wash over me like water off a ducks back because I knew we were a solid couple and importantly DH didn't condone or tolerate any of their attitude, we were united.
That's not to say we challenged them about it, but I knew he had my back so if I wanted to leave he would understand. He also told them to back off if needed. It rankled and I'm not going to claim it didn't bother me cos it did for a long time, but meh DH is the one that counts and we're happy.

Sounds like you were just a curious specimen popping into their bubble of privelage with your weird little everyman background.
Must have been quite a refreshing experience for them.

In your first two paragraphs you draw a caricature of two different families. We all like to think like that about people, don't we - in broad strokes with no detail or nuance until we get to know them better. She is doing to you by thinking of your childhood/upbringing in bold strokes just what you are doing to her with her 'big house on a private estate'.

All that's fine. She might indeed turn out to be a cow but she might also have been nervous and you need to get to know them. Keep confident - there's nothing wrong with your upbringing - and keep at it. It's an important relationship for both of you if your relationship is going to last.

She's snobby for sure BUT none of what she says sounds like she's trying to put you down. She's just being clumsy with her words. As much as you don't like being judged, try not to judge her. Her world is so very different. She sounds like she is (misguidedly) sympathetic towards your WC background without realising or intending, she sounds patronising.

The coat thing I thought was a nice gesture, you would be cold and she's offered a solution, but it sounds like you're perceiving it as a dig because you're coming into the situation feeling "less than". Next time she says something that jilts you, see the funny and bat it back with a joke. I would have said something like "oh of course it's been a while since my time shooting pheasants, silly me!"

Regardless, not many MILs think their DILs are good enough for their son. So take it all with a pinch of salt and in good humour. The second you seem offended she'll think she has power anyway. So use your wit and sarcasm instead.

I think perhaps you're being a little over sensitive.

You say yourself you're both working professionals so you've presumably done as well as their son has and should talk about your background with pride. It also doesn't sound too impoverished, both parents working, close family unit with help from GPs

The coat thing I couldn't get worked up about at all. She was making sure you wouldn't freeze !

It sounds to me like his mum is trying to be nice and ger to know you but is just massively out of touch. She is maybe trying to show empathy where none is needed. She thinks it must have been a struggle for your family bring you up with little money because she can't envisage doing the same. Where as you are happy with your upbringing.
I'm not sure what your upset is with the coat to be honest. You didn't bring anything suitable, she was trying to think of a solution.

No it doesn’t sound like the mum was trying to be nice. Some posters are being deliberately obtuse about the coat - she was making a point about size. And yes they’re snobs. Don’t distrust your intuition about this. Can you talk to your DP about it?

And as for randoms on the internet thinking they know better about what kind of estate you grew up in 🙄 Ffs.

I agree. It's the sort of bitchiness that women excel in and men can be notoriously blind to.

Kill with kindness, op. But keep an eye on your bf having your back.

Your gut feeling. And snobbery is ironically one of the most classless traits to possess. I’m embarrassed for her x