I feel like I've failed my dd, she's 12 and just been told she is probably autistic

[IsMyDaughterAutistic]

I can't believe it.

Dd is 12, and now that I've been told this it's actually pretty obvious, but I just didn't see it before. She was getting seen for her tourettes and they have said they are going to start the process of getting her a diagnosis for autism.

All the little things were just my quirky little dd and how she does things, but she's been presenting with autistic traits her whole life.

She didn't properly speak until she was about 3-4 but I thought it was just because her older sibling did everything for her and spoke loads so she didn't get a word in.

She has a very limited diet and would rather go hungry than eat some things but I just thought she was a bit of a fussy eater.

She has had a few different interests throughout her life, she becomes completely engrossed and it becomes her whole personality for a while, I just thought it was sweet how she got so invested in things.

She developed tourettes a few years back which has been diagnosed (apparently this can go hand in hand with autism?)

She hates hugs and people in her space, I just respected that, not everyone is a hugger, again just dd being dd.

There have been other things too, which, now I'm writing it down I'm wondering why I didn't see it. My poor dd could have been getting help and me being blind to it has made her life worse. She didn't cope in secondary school and is now home schooled, so I've failed her there too.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, I'm just so sad that I've failed my beautiful, kind, funny, clever girl by being so blind to something fairly obvious.

(Sorry if I've worded anything wrong, or accidently said something offensive, I'm just upset with myself and in shock a bit)

Can I ask those of you who were diagnosed as adults why you decided to go for a diagnosis? Has it helped in your adult lives?
Ive recently been diagnosed with adhd at 35. I wanted a diagnosis because I knew something was wrong and I wanted confirmation of that. I needed to know I wasn’t just lazy when I’m overwhelmed and shutdown, I needed to know I wasn’t just a flake when I couldn’t keep track of appointments even with multiple diaries etc. While it hasn’t changed any of my behaviour per say (im working on that) it has helped my general demeanour and happiness, I don’t beat myself up so much anymore, I’m not as hard on myself and it’s also made me more aware of my limits. I’m happier because I know “I’m” not the problem, it’s my brain. I hope that helps.

Sorry I forgot to add I know adhd and autism are very different I just wanted to give you some insight.

And stop beating yourself up!! You sound like a brilliant mum!

Thank you all for being so understanding, and thank you for sharing your stories too.

I've just folded up all her washing which consists of one particular brand of leggings with the label cut out because she won't wear anything else as it irritates her, and massive XL baggy jumpers as she can't tolerate tight tops. I'm still astounded at not seeing this sooner, it's just so obvious.

Regardless of any diagnosis she gets she's still my funny, quirky dd and I love everything about her, I'm sad I didn't spot this sooner, but I'm very glad that I can be in a position to support her better now.

I agree with others, you can't beat yourself up about this. I've recently realised my 9yo daughter could be autistic and it's not been picked up on until now. It's extremely common for girls to be diagnosed much older because they can present much differently to how autism is traditionally seen.

I posted about my dd a few weeks ago and had so many helpful responses, especially from parents of older girls. You might find it useful to have a look through - Dd9 suspect ASD - could do with some opinions! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4725800-dd9-suspect-asd-could-do-with-some-opinions

I'm going through the same with my 13 year old. Didn't see it coming at all & now can't unsee it! Had multiple people ask me how I didn't notice. I've put it down to being similar so thinking of it being our normal or thinking I understand her well and can help manage her behaviours. Don't beat yourself up about it ☺️

I think my DD is autistic but getting support from anyone is almost impossible as she is shy and quiet so school don't want to help because she isn't disruptive and the GP isn't interested either.

You haven't let your DD down, sounds like you have supported her fabulously

I can only agree with everyone else. You HAVE been helping your daughter, supporting her, working out how to give her what she needs, and you have loved her for herself and who she is. That's what matters most of all.

Now you have a bit more information to help you both.

I think my DD was about the same age when I first mentioned autism to her (having wondered about it age 9, been told no, then increasingly wondering about it some more). She straight away read up a whole lot of stuff and found that useful. When we ultimately got her diagnosed officially it was because it helped her to accept that she might have different needs to other people around her and that was ok.

Tony Attwood who writes books on autism was somewhat surprised to find out his dd had it. He hadn't noticed so if a world renowned expert can't spot it...

Sounds like you've just parented the child you had. We did much the same although dd was diagnosed earlier in primary school.

Benefits of having a diagnosis is that the person has a better understanding of themselves which is bound to improve their general self esteem and confidence.

In terms of employment they will be able to tick the 'disability' box and request reasonable adjustments at work and throughout the recruitment process. Obviously some employers are much better than others though and in some workplaces there is still very little awareness however, some employers work hard to be inclusive to all and the Civil service and organisations linked to them are brilliant for this. Some of them run workshops and specifically recruit people with neuro diversities as their brain works in a very different way to neurotypicals. GCHQ have had a programme specifically to recruit neuro divergent women.

The love, acceptance and delight you take in your daughter really shines through your post.

Its beautiful.

I was going to say the same. You haven’t failed her at all, she’s so lucky to have such a wonderful mother who adores her just the way she is!

You havent failed her!

I got diagnosed at 41, looking back it was blatantly obvious but to be fair it wasn't as well recognised back when I was a kid.

My mum now refuses to accept it, says there is no need for a label. I don't know if it's because she feels like she missed something or she actually doesnt give a hit.

Having a diagnosis has made my life make sense.

If it makes you feel any better… my Mum is a SenCo… I was diagnosed at 24!!! And they didn’t believe me 🙈.

Learning as much as you can is the best you can do. Keep learning, there are so many elements to autism and her autism will change as she grows and changes.

Don’t assume it means she can’t do stuff because she is autistic, just that she may need a different way to learn, or more support.

I think Sarah O’Brien is bringing out a book soon aimed at newly diagnosed teens- So You’re/I’m Autistic, I think it’s called- worth a look. Her Twitter account shares a lot of her day to day experiences as a young autistic woman (married and currently doing a PhD, by the way).

I am also now married and a senior manager in investment banking. My diagnosis made this possible- I was able to learn about my brain and do things in a way that works for me, including reasonable adjustments at work!

I agree with all of this - and I'm late diagnosed autistic/ADHD.

I have twins - a DS and a DD. DS was diagnosed as autistic aged 4. His twin sister wasn't diagnosed until she was 10 years old. I gave myself a very hard time for that - for many years she was judged so much more harshly than her twin brother when inside, she was experiencing exactly the same struggles. I felt absolutely bloody AWFUL for a long time.

Also, the "labels don't matter" crowd tend to be neurotypical - sweeping generalisation obviously. It's usually neurotypical parents insisting that they love their child no matter what, and that a label doesn't change anything. That is a beautiful and lovely sentiment and I appreciate that it comes from a good place - but the person themselves often feels very differently. I know many, many women who have been late diagnosed who have all felt an overwhelming sense of relief for all the reasons that @HinnyHoway describes.

And I know a couple who haven't gone for diagnosis but I strongly suspect are also autistic - I think they would struggle with suddenly getting a label, but if they'd grown up with the knowledge that they were autistic, I don't think that would be the case.

In our household, autism has never been a big announcement, or a big deal. It's just a fact of life - our brains are wired a bit differently to the majority of folk, and that's OK. I think growing up with that knowledge is infinitely helpful rather than spending years wondering why the fuck you feel so different to everyone else, and why you can't seem to manage things which others don't even have to think about.

Your DD sounds wonderful.

Thank you all, you have me in tears here.

She really is amazing and I adore her for exactly who she is, I won't change the way I'm parenting her, but it's just going to help me understand her a bit better I hope.

Her focus just now is drawing, which I'm loving as I fancy myself as a bit of an artist so we are doing so much together at the minute. She is so funny and great company.

She isn't a huggy type of person at all, but she shows me her affection by coming and sort of biting (not painfully or anything) my arm, and I'll always say "I love you too baby" when she does it, I thought it was just really sweet that she chooses to show me affection that way, so it's breaking my heart that it's a strategy she developed because she physically can't bring herself to hug me, rather than just thinking "this is cute I'll do that". This is the sort of thing that makes me feel like I've let her down, I've been thinking she's being adorable and she's been having to find ways outside of the conventional way to do things, and, had I realised, I could have helped and supported her more.

As some of you have said she's exactly the person she was yesterday. She also seems absolutely fine about it, it's me who is struggling. I'm going over the whole last 12 years and picking out all the 'bad' things I've done.

I hope to get to a place where I can recognise the good things too.

I appreciate all your replies so much, thank you 💐

Oh, lovely OP, it may not be that she's "found strategies" in a negative way though, it's more likely that she's doing what comes most naturally to her. You're her safe place. You're wonderful, never forget that.

She isn't a huggy type of person at all, but she shows me her affection by coming and sort of biting (not painfully or anything) my arm, and I'll always say "I love you too baby" when she does it, I thought it was just really sweet that she chooses to show me affection that way, so it's breaking my heart that it's a strategy she developed because she physically can't bring herself to hug me, rather than just thinking "this is cute I'll do that". This is the sort of thing that makes me feel like I've let her down, I've been thinking she's being adorable and she's been having to find ways outside of the conventional way to do things, and, had I realised, I could have helped and supported her more.

Why can’t it be both? As in both a substitute for NT hugs and absolutely adorable and cute? And what more could you have done? You already accept she does this, receive it as the affection she is intending and reciprocate in a way that she knows you love her back. That is pretty much the best and most support one could ever hope for!

Please don’t be hard on yourself, it’s so normal for girls to be missed. And as parents we just accept them unconditionally, don’t we? My daughter was diagnosed at 9 and would never have been diagnosed if she didn’t have an autistic younger brother.

The important thing is that you’re on the right track now. And 12 isn’t too old. I’m going for a diagnosis at 42!

Aww op please don't beat yourself up. I have a ds (14) who was only diagnosed 18 months ago. His big sister is in the process of being diagnosed and she's 16. I never imagined she was on the spectrum - just her brother who was more obvious. My own dsis has just been diagnosed at 40 and I'm pretty sure much of my anxiety (diagnosed with GAD) is down to either asd or adhd and I'm 49!
You sound like a lovely mum, so very accepting of your dd's individuality.

Try to see this as a positive - having a diagnosis means you will be able to provide the best support for her, work with her to develop coping mechanisms that will help her for the rest of her life and equip her for the future. My DC2 was diagnosed last year at almost 20, though we'd had suspicions for longer. They were so good at masking it was never picked up. They are now at uni in the 2nd year of a STEM degree, doing really well despite having a lot of other health problems and needing a wheelchair. DSA is an absolute godsend.

You have not let her down. My daughter received an ASD diagnosis last summer at age of 18. It was suggested she was assessed by her cardiologist two years earlier. I never suspected even though one of her brothers and her father are autistic. She is so different to them and is very good at masking.

My dd was pleased to receive diagnosis and she has been happier since. She says it explains who she is and people can accept her as she is.

I was diagnosed with autism age 50 and it’s definitely helped me to accept myself and given me confidence in who I am