Feel guilty saying no and always trying to people-please

[Lasttime1]

I'm like this both in work and outside. For example, I usually do a four-day week, but lately work have been asking me can I do some work on a Wednesday, my day off. Last week a colleague was sick and I was happy to help out. They've asked me again this week now, just because it's busy. I did say no but am feeling guilty and probably won't even enjoy the day off now! I've no children, but because of a long term condition, although not serious, I don't want to do 5 days any more.

How can I become someone who just says no and doesn't ruminate over it afterwards? I do suffer from anxiety, which probably doesn't help.

Sounds like you might benefit from CBT.

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So much of your post resonates with me. Well done for saying no!

Counselling has helped a lot with this. My counsellor suggested trying to make sure there is a pause point so you’re not giving a knee jerk reaction with the people pleasing behaviour. Now when I‘m asked to do extra hours I say can I let you know and leave it an hour or so before deciding.

In terms of feeling guilty reframing my thoughts helps. You haven’t done anything wrong, your needs and life outside work are important.

Nothing is more important than your wellbeing and it’s not your responsibility to feel like you have to pick up more work when it’s busy. Surely there’s a plan in place for busy times?

Keep on saying no if it doesn’t work for you and don’t feel like you need to over explain or feel bad.

If you don’t consider your own needs no one else will.

You think you are so capable and helpful that the ?office can’t manage without you sacrificing yourself, no one else can do a few extra hours to cover - frame it like that and you won’t feel so bad.

You just say you already have stuff planned. Doesn't matter what. The more you say yes the more they will ask so you need to nip it in the bud now.

If that's difficult then invent an elderly aunt that you support on your day off.

You say lim not available as that's my non working day"

Im assuming you get paid overtime if or when you do work extra hours

As a disabled person with reasonable adjustments being made this pressure to work to cover colleague's days off is not ok.

Are you a member of a union? Bc they will be behind scenes support but you can just say "no I'm not available"

How can you stop worrying about it? Well you just say no
You don't explain or justify your 4 day week, you just say it's a non working day for me
You don't listen to colleague that try to pressure you and you cut dead any conversations about Wednesdays as you are t available
Dont make a rod for your own back, that was a one off you did before and you mustn't cover for others on your non working day

How do you let yourself off of ruminating about it? Well, it's a non working day, you get no AL allowance no pension no nothing for that day, it's not a day you're ever expected into work for. Same ad you'd eye raise if they asked you to work a Sunday, you do t need to listen or debate or justify, "it's a non working day for me I don't work Wednesdays" is end of conversation

So your colleagues and manager need to sort themselves out with available options which isn't you.

Good advice, thanks all. I like the idea of not responding straight away.

I think it's a case of give an inch and they take a mile. By filling in on your day off you are compensating for the fact that your employer has failed to have sufficient staff. Your employer then becomes dependent upon your goodwill rather than ensuring that there is staffing at adequate levels. This is cheaper and easier for them but also not fair to you if you feel pressured to work additional hours. Just say no.