If the abuser is/was your own child? I have namechanged for this as it is both identifying and horrendous to be going through, but I am 100% not a troll.
To cut a long story short, I had a baby when I was really quite young with an abusive, violent narcissist. I know that word gets thrown around a lot, but he really is such. I am still relearning how to think and understand myself and the world after his gaslighting and traumatising behaviour(s). Our DC is now 16 and, sadly, appears to be a carbon copy of their DF.
I am happily remarried to DH and have 3 younger DC. DH has been around since DC1 was very small, DC1 doesn't remember anything different. All DC have, categorically, been treated exactly the same way, and had really quite a privileged upbringing.
Some weeks ago, DC1 became very angry when I enforced some boundaries and subsequently absconded, going to their father. Whilst there, they then made an entirely fabricated report to the police that I assaulted them. This did not happen. I spent many hours in police custody, and I am still under investigation for this. I have no idea how long this will go on, but expect it to be weeks/months. It has been utterly devastating. I've quickly become very mentally unwell with severe anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I am scared of every unexpected noise, terrified my other DC will be removed (they won't, SS have visited and consider no case to answer).
However, despite all this, I really miss DC1. All my friends and family have been incredibly supportive, but DM mentioned something today that has really made me think. She said "it's a horrible truth, but you've got your life back" (now that DC1 no longer lives here). This is very true, and the longer time goes on, the more I realise just how much the lives of everyone in this house revolved around DC1, their mood and their behaviour. Nobody shouts anymore. We can leave our possessions lying around and they don't go missing. We can leave the house all at the same time because there's no worry that DC1 will do something dangerous or antisocial if left unsupervised.
I think what I'm trying to process is: despite leaving ExH years ago and going NC, I've still been controlled by the same types of behaviours from DC1 and these are now gone. How do you learn to move on from this? Whilst also understanding that you desperately miss your child, and the person you really hoped they were deep down?