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Original poster

Boss withholding reference

14 replies

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 18/02/2023 21:14

Despite loving my job, following my boss making a pass at me I resigned from my job. The situation had been building up and was unbearable. This was a couple if months ago.

He reacted very angrily...think he was scared I was going to report him (I didn't). He then said any future employer should be warned that I "had a problem with men" and was hysterical.

I have now been offered a better job that pays more and need him to write a reference.

In the interim I needed him to provide some info...he agreed to but then didn't follow up. I didn't chase him.

Do I just let the employer contact him? Should I email him out of courtesy and to stress the importance of this?

I don't want contact with him but I need the reference and not sure how to handle it. I'm hoping he just wants to put this all behind him and as I'd been a good employee won't cause trouble. However having seen an unpleasant side to him I am worried.

OP posts:

MuggleMe · 18/02/2023 21:39

Is there not an HR dept? You only need confirmation that you did x job title and the dates you were employed.

confettipig · 18/02/2023 21:42

^ I’d also approach HR. A bad reference isn’t illegal with grounds but he will likely tread very carefully as A) it doesn’t sound like there are any grounds and B) if he doesn’t then he could have a law suit on his hands!

LemonSwan · 18/02/2023 21:49

I would leave it to new company to contact him.

Original poster

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 18/02/2023 21:50

Thanks so so much for the replies. I'm in knots about it.

There is no HR department. Boss was the CEO and wouldn't have HR.

My last few bosses have been CEOs and actually have called my former boss...presumably to avoid paper trails. Hence why I'm very nervous about this....

I agree that if he is rational he will want to avoid any legal case and must surely realise that whilst I have effectively let myself be bullied out of a job I loved that if he refuses to co-operate in allowing me to get a new job I won't have much choice.

This is why I wondered if an email to him in advance of him getting the reference request could very tactfully make these points....or if that would make it worse. Dont want to threaten him but could express gratitude for his support in supporting me move on with my career.

What a mess.

OP posts:

cuentacuentos · 18/02/2023 22:37

I was in a similar situation and told my new employer what had happened and why I had left my previous role. In my case, they believed me and I don't think they even requested a reference. I think it's better to explain the situation at the start in case he tries to make you seem bad in his reference. You could offer a reference from a former colleague rather than your old boss.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:54

OP I have just been through something very similar.

It’s excruciating as it was, I was honest with my new employer and gave them a brief rundown before they sought a reference. I’d already lost out on a good job due to a bad reference form ex boss. I then provided details of another person I worked closely with as a character reference. Old boss did state he would not recommend me as an employee. But it didn’t matter. My new work were so understanding and I start my new role next week!

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:55

MuggleMe · 18/02/2023 21:39

Is there not an HR dept? You only need confirmation that you did x job title and the dates you were employed.

It depends what job it is for. Certain jobs require more information and many will ask for a tick box “would you employ this person again”. Employers get prickly if ‘no’ is ticked

Cheeriochoc · 18/02/2023 22:58

Might be worth just holding out for a bit longer to see if the new company can approach him for the reference. It’ll be in his interests to give you a good reference so you don’t complain but sounds like he’s trying to cause you problems.

Is there anyone else at the company who can help? He’s the CEO, was there another director for example who could provide the reference? Alternatively maybe someone in payroll?

YesitsBess · 18/02/2023 23:06

I have had similar and I empathise. I've explained in interview that my previous boss wanted me to do something that was borderline illegal and I lost that job because I wouldn't do it. My ex colleague (who is equally qualified as ex boss and left 2 weeks after I did) stood as my referee. Is there anyone in your organisation who would do this for you?

Original poster

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 18/02/2023 23:20

Oh gosh...so sorry others have been through this...makes me so mad!!! But also makes me feel less alone.

One colleague who is my peer and who I think has guessed what happened has offered to be a referee.

Can I ask those posters who said they told new employer was that on a video call? Or by email? I'm scared to put anything in writing (ex boss' story is that I misunderstood entire situation and have issues....) but would like to be honest because I feel so guilty and compromised by this all.

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl I am shocked your boss said that and makes me concerned mine will do the same. He has hinted at it. I am.hoping in the intervening weeks pragmatism will have set in. He's replaced me...fifth female to do that job in as many years with at least two others having disappeared overnight with no explanation. One has not worked since (2.5 years) so possibly issues with reference.

There is another director I could ask but I think that would raise questions with new employer as he wasn't my line manager.

OP posts:

YesitsBess · 18/02/2023 23:26

I've told interviewers in person, kept it very matter of fact and immediately followed up with the fact that my ex colleague would stand as referee. I may or may not have mentioned that I was the 4th person in that role in the space of 12 months...

You've fuck all to feel guilty about? Mine tried to make out I'd been "let go" for losing a client. Unfortunately for him another colleague had access to my email and made damned sure the rest of the (small) office knew that wasn't the case. She is also about to quit 😂

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 23:28

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 18/02/2023 23:20

Oh gosh...so sorry others have been through this...makes me so mad!!! But also makes me feel less alone.

One colleague who is my peer and who I think has guessed what happened has offered to be a referee.

There is another director I could ask but I think that would raise questions with new employer as he wasn't my line manager.

I took a deep breath and called my new manager.

Also don’t let on this director wasn’t your line manager, it doesn’t necessarily have to be, just someone who can give a reference usually in terms of title, dates worked, sickness record etc.

validnumber · 18/02/2023 23:31

Defiantly give other director as reference and don't even think about it.
How would your new company know about line manager etc? Normally it's HR anyway. They will just assume this is the person that deals with references.

Original poster

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 18/02/2023 23:34

Thanks so much @YesitsBess and @TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl

I'll definitely think about this as a way forward.

I was flawless in role....boss went for the hysterical woman route and actually told colleagues I had taken time out to work on personal issues....basically implying I had some alcohol or drug issue😂

I'm picking up on the grapevine that my lack of a new role so far may be making him anxious....I may yet gamble on him doing the decent thing...might be worth with clarifying with new employer how they handle references (they're not a UK company and my new boss is not British)

OP posts:

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