My friend always wants to video call

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About 20 years ago I shared a flat with a friend who now lives overseas. At the time we got on brilliantly and a few years ago I went to stay with her for a week and again, had a great time.

We continue to keep in touch but she is very keen on video calls whereas I'm not. We'll schedule a time to call and the chat can go on for 3+ hours. She draws a lot of comfort from this and I think it probably meets an emotional need in her. Problem is, I find these video calling really draining and I much prefer to keep in touch via WhatsApp and voice memos etc.

I explained to her that I spend big chunks of my working life on zoom or Teams and so would prefer to primarily chat on text or try to make our video calls shorter. She got really offended and said this is how she connects best with people and she valued quality time. To her, texting/voice memos are so impersonal.

Obviously I didn't want to hurt her so we scheduled another video call and when it got to about an hour, I started to wind it down as I was going out. She asked if we could continue the call later that evening but I felt like we'd said everything that needed to be said.

She later texted me to say that she didn't feel like I was giving our friendship much priority. I replied to say that I value our friendship but sometimes it's really hard to carve out 3 hours for a chat (not to mention it's really pretty tiring!). I have family overseas and I don't even talk to them for 3 hours at a time! We hit an impasse and didn't have much chat for about 6 months but then she texted me last week and asked to schedule a time for another zoom catch up.

I genuinely really like this friend and we get on great but our preferences on communication are so different. She has a lot of personal problems (very dysfunctional upbringing), doesn't have many RL friends etc so I do want to support her but I find it all really hard going!
The thought of monthly 2-3 hour video calls starting up again just makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't want to lose her as a friend though.

What would you do in this situation?

Oh God I'd be like you in this situation. She doesn't seem to understand the word compromise.

I think you need to lay it out to her that giving her 100% of what she wants would be massively detrimental to you, in the same way that if she gave you 100% of what you need it would be detrimental to her.

I'd put it in writing, maybe a letter, so you can take your time over what and how to say.

I'd suggest any video calls are an hour max, once or twice a year, with the another couple of "traditional" calls throughout the year, and some check ins via text/WhatsApp to plug the gaps.

Ultimately for me, it would come down to her expectation that you do everything to her preferences - a good friend would be happy to find a healthy middle ground.

What she wants to do would drive me nuts. I also spend my work week on teams and the last thing I want to do in my spare time is more video calls, especially long ones. I like texting, I don't like calls. I can go about my day and text at the same time, video calls take up so much time.

The dramatic texting would make me distance myself though, can't be doing with emotional blackmail like that.

She sounds mad

I prefer phone calls. 3 hours is too long. An hour, an hour and a half is my preferred. Tell her so.

I had this exact situation...old friend, reconnected after 20 years when she was in a bad placed, endless video calls, emotional intensity.

Then I had a cancer scare. Texted her no reply. Texted again. She blocked me.

If it's all one way it isn't really a friendship. You might like her but I'm not sure what it's adding to your life.

I think you're scared of her reaction if you say no...not a good friendship.

I simply couldn't have a friend that's on such a different wavelength from a communication perspective. And I hate video calls full stop.