Support thread for in-laws offensive and batty beliefs - TW for cancer/death

[EmiliaAirheart]

Give me strength… on week 5 of a 6 week stay at my in-laws house. We are from different cultures, which compounds the generational differences.

Things they believe (particularly my MIL) - apologies in advance as to how offensive some of these are:

• Leaving food out overnight/all week and reheating is fine. Using microwaves are harmful, and refrigeration is unnecessary.
• Carseats are unnecessary, because “no one will check!”. Same with seatbelts.
• Kids in her country don’t have allergies (when I mentioned that kids in my country can’t bring nuts to school).
• This one is horrendous… her friend’s son’s leukaemia was a result of diet.
• MIL clearly doesn’t believe in depression (in the context of me refusing to condemn ex-SIL for not having custody of her daughter, and voicing sympathy for a woman had her second child born very early and not survive, which exacerbated an existing depression).

FIL is perpetually enmeshed in MLMs. I think he’s frittered away a meagre inheritance on various schemes. He constantly drinks water infused with gold, for its health benefits. To his credit, he has not attempted to sell anything to us, this time.

As awful as this sounds, I think it’s from ignorance rather than malice. My MIL only had a primary school education and isn’t much of a reader, so her main source of news comes from her friends and trashy news on TV. Still, it’s utterly tedious and it tarnishes the goodwill I would otherwise have for her, given she’s a generally kind and welcoming person aside from these beliefs.

I try to challenge things and I’m unmoveable on stuff like the carseats, but it takes its toll. It would take a lot for us to not stay with them (unsurpringly, it’s cultural unthinkable to not stay with family, and I consider it a relatively small price to pay for my husband being willing to leave his career, culture and family behind to live in my country) so it’s more about surviving the visits than avoiding them.

As well as this therapeutic venting, does anyone have to deal with similar in-laws, and any advice?

Oh mine is a Brexit-loving Boris fan who hasn’t worked since having kids in the 70s but calls everyone else ‘lazy spongers’. She accuses everyone else of being a snowflake yet cannot laugh at herself no matter how small or inoffensive the joke. Fucking unbearable.

Oh what fun… how do you get through visits? Do you challenge her on it?

Place marked for later

same! 🍿

Yes I do!! I don’t bring it up, but if she does, then I consider it debate opened 🤷🏼‍♀️ we’ve had a lot of heated discussions but why should I listen to all her crap without her listening to mine?!

Sounds like my ex MIL apart from the Boris / Brexit bit 🙈

Selfishly I was hoping for more commiserations, but of course it’s a much better outcome if most MNers have tolerable in-laws!

You do realise you can easily click to follow a thread?

Honestly, I wouldn't go. So what if it's 'culturally unthinkable' - what about what is unthinkable in your culture?! Does your culture not matter? Her vile beliefs & behaviour are culturally unthinkable.

I expect the reason why you've not had many responses is 1) After reading that list, most will be too horrified to want to read anymore and 2) You've already said you won’t refuse to visit her so what else can people suggest??

If your dh is willing to play along, PIL bingo - separately decide on the phrases beliefs, pop them on a bingo card, first one to win gets a treat of their choosing. Obviously some of it needs to be memorised and collated later otherwise it would just seem cruel! If dh not willing to play along then do it virtually here.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the lack of education. If she finished her formal education at 11 or 12 then she'll not have been given the opportunity to develop critical thinking skills or been taught much other than the basics of reading and writing. She's probably "not much of a reader" because her literacy skills are poor. And that's not her fault really.

Must be really challenging living with her though.

My own DF is from the UK (not sure where you and yours are from OP), and he also doesn't understand car seats.
"What do you need a car seat for? When you were a baby we just put the carry cot on the back seat"
He is also a brexiteer, doesn't believe that any mental health/neurodiversities/dementia etc exist, has interesting views on covid etc etc

My in laws are generally lovely but also have extremely questionable food hygiene habits. ie defrosting fish and then leaving it out a week, using raw meat utensils on cooked food, keeping food in the bathroom next to the toilet...

and I consider it a relatively small price to pay for my husband being willing to leave his career, culture and family behind to live in my country) so it’s more about surviving the visits than avoiding them

Awwww that is lovely and it is the perfect way to look at it. My FIL is an abusive arse and I put up with him for years because DH wanted a relationship with his mother which at that time necessitated a relationship with his father but happy days they no longer live together. I completely get you. Boundaries, grey rock, zero positive expectations and focussing on the good stuff were what got me through.

Um...calm down. Why are you so personally affronted by this post? Pp wasn't being rude to the op or anyone else.

@SchoolTripDrama wait what? I don’t understand what you’re so offended about?!

I love my in laws but I do tend to react when they say things that are contrary to my own understanding ... my kids pulled me up on it one day and said .. 'you do disagree with grandma, quite a lot'... which made me look a little harder at my reasons for insisting on pointing out where they are 'wrong'.. sadly, I couldn't stop myself last time they were here as I had consumed a couple of glasses of wine... I was trying to 'educate' MIL on structural inequalities . I wish I had nodded and hmmed.. and kept my mouth shut. I will try to be nicer next time... and save my ranting for my husband or maybe scream into the wind.

I feel you OP, the older generations of my family are also from a different culture, formal education ended at 12, and they have all sorts of strange and borderline offensive ideas. For example, that everyone under 30 in the UK is 'on drugs' and that said drugs cause homosexuality. That women over 40 should not have long hair on television. That scantily clad singers are TV are similarly 'on drugs' and that these drugs cause them to pay insufficient attention to their attire. That Holly and Phil are both improperly and immodestly attired and also, possibly, on drugs. That youth violence is caused by a decline in religious values. That Boris Johnson was caused by both a decline in religious values and also drugs.

Also, they claim to be very sensitive to noise and insist on having the TV turned down inaudibly low, but constantly ask me to explain / summarise / translate what is being said on telly (so that they can then volubly criticise it). They also don't seem to believe that leftover cooked meat needs to be refrigerated. Apples on the other hand very much need to be refrigerated. Food should not be touched in the morning until hands are washed and prayers are said. Cheese should be covered with clingfilm.

They do not understand smartphones in concept or practice.

My partner and I never argue back or take exception to anything because there's no point. But we have a game whereby we each privately store up our top three gobstopping opinions / moments from our families' visits and play top trumps after they've gone home.

We play in-laws bingo too. Here's a selection of winners:

MIL calls herself a 'witch' having predicted that something entirely predictable will happen.
MIL and FIL exchange angry words in the kitchen between meal courses then emerge and eat rest of meal in tense silence.
ILs repeatedly offer unsolicited financial advice having made several disastrous financial decisions themselves.
SIL gets absolutely legless and tells the same story repeatedly.
Consternation if someone asks for a coffee outside of the allocated 11am coffee break.

Once you can see the funny side it gets better. That said I only have to see them twice a year and only for long weekends so my suffering is less than yours OP.

I realise none of that list is offensive or batty per se but they are Daily Mail reading, Tory voting Brexiteers who feel that any misfortunate people aren't society have brought it all on themselves 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mine aren’t quite as bad as that but they did move here from their (and DH) home country a few years ago and spend an inordinate amount of time criticising the U.K. and finding reasons that it’s not as good as where they came from. When I once asked why do they live here if it’s a dreadful, MIL caused a massive scene about me being hostile and offensive. I don’t bother listening anymore.

@SchoolTripDrama I can see that you replied to me but your response has been deleted.

If I've said anything to offend you then please let me know as that absolutely wasn't my intention.

I am very lucky that in laws are lovely lovely people, but FIL is a highly accomplished hypochondriac. Others would call it health anxiety. I call it "googling anything gives you cancer".

Weirdly, he seems to listen to me as a DIL and I am often the only member of the family who can calm his hysteria over whatever ailment he's dying of this week. DH will ask me to call him to talk him down. No idea why he listens to me and not the other 4 sons or 4 DIL, but if it works...!