I have chronic ADHD (diagnosed about a year ago) and started on Elvanse (an amphetamine), which made a huge positive difference to my motivation and ability to organise and handle stress.
However it seems it's not making much of a dent lately and I feel as if I'm headed towards a nervous breakdown of some sort.
I have 3 children (13, 7 and 4) and currently am not working (I have never stuck at anything long enough to have a 'career', & find it incredibly hard to manage work plus trying to look after the kids and house which leads me to having an epic meltdown and handing in my notice).
DH & I had a small wedding 5 months ago & I found the build up/trying to organise it very stressful, as well as the actual day which I struggled to get through. I also really struggled with my negative emotions around disappointment about it all despite knowing I was being a complete dick and needed to snap put of it. I can't look at photos etc without feeling sad about it so I just dont think about it.
Shortly after the wedding, we were really struggling financially and I tried to set up a small business and became obsessed, trying to spend every waking moment at the computer focused on it despite having children and a house to look after. Ive spent the last few months living on processed junk food, I've piled the weight on, I've stopped exercising or getting much sleep. I have realised I couldnt continue like this and have massively scaled it back.
However I now find myself barely able to function day to day. I'm snapping at the kids, I can't think straight and feel suffocated by them (we live in a tiny 2 bed house which doesnt help - DH sleeps on the sofa and I'm in a bedroom with the younger two children).
My poor DH works his arse off and I can barely look after myself or the kids. Our sex life has disappeared into nothingness.
I cant seem to get better, or make room in my head to start looking after myself. I am flailing and completely exhausted and feel numb/angry/lost. I'm really, really struggling to stay on task with the most basic life admin or cleaning, laundry, making packed lunches, helping with homework etc. I feel like my brain is rapidly losing function.
I know what I should be doing (trying to cook healthy meals, get more sleep etc) but I feel like I do not have enough room in my head (constantly surrounded by children/people) to evince begin to do that. This sounds utterly pathetic I know.
I feel like the only way I can actually begin to function again is if I check myself into a mental asylum (insensitive joke sorry) so I can sleep for a week.
Poor DH booked a hotel for us both for my birthday and asked my mum if she would have the children for one night, but I asked him to cancel because I genuinely cant think of anything more stressful than trying to find decent clothes for my fat self to pack and have to go away somewhere.
All I want for my birthday is the space to have a mental breakdown in my own home for 2 days. Obviously that is unrealistic and unfair.
I'm genuinely starting to believe that they would all be so much better off without me. I am utterly worse than useless.
I dont know why I'm posting this on here really. I know I need to sort my shit out but I am frozen.