Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

27 replies

PermanentlyinUAT · 16/02/2023 21:23

Interested in opinions on which parent has it worse?

Parent A aka Sam.

Starts work 6am, office based, high pressured job. Home by 6pm daily. Does her hobby for an hour in the house then makes dinner for the family. Every night.

Does DC bedtime (Bath/story etc) 3/4 nights per week, similar to Parent B.

Parent B, aka Alex.

Works 4 days per week also a demanding corporate job.

2 days from home, 2 days on the office.

Does all the school drop offs.

Usually doesn’t finish work/get home until 7.

Alex does not cook, ever. Alex does laundry and supermarket shopping as well as the daily school run. Alex also has to look after DC/organise play dates etc when the after school nanny doesn’t show up (quite a regular occurrence). So the mental load of parenting logistics during the week falls solely to Alex.

Alex has one day a week to himself, does school drop off and pick up and usually spends the day doing a hobby or admin or additional work for their job to pick up the slack from when they weren’t able to fully focus when the nanny doesn’t show up.

Does this seem like a fair division of labour? One parent feels slight hard done by.

Additional info so as it to drip feed:
The after school nanny
works 4 days per week but is very unreliable as is her second job so lets us down usually at short notice but given the scarcity of after school nannies, we have no alternative options.

We have a cleaner so cleaning isn’t a problem but generally Sam is a cleaner and Alex is a tidier.

Caveat, Sam and Alex adore each other and neither bastard is contemplating leaving the other.

OP posts:
blackbeardsballsack · 16/02/2023 21:35

It sounds pretty fair to me

AchillesHeelys · 16/02/2023 21:38

It seems relatively well balanced. Alex does appear to get a bit more downtime with the one day per week off, and presumably has more downtime in the evenings if not cooking and only doing half of the bedtimes, he does seem to carry much more of the mental load though and the stress of having to juggle unreliable childcare around a demanding job, whereas Alex seems to have more structure and certainty in her routine. Sounds hectic all round but I’m not sure who has it better tbh.

who is feeling resentful?

Ceryneianhind · 16/02/2023 21:40

Who is being unreasonable? The OP who posted an AIBU in chat....

However, to answer the question, it seems pretty balanced, who feels its unfair and why?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
00kitty · 16/02/2023 21:42

I’d rather be Alex ☺️

Original poster
PermanentlyinUAT · 16/02/2023 21:49

I posted in chat as people are generally more pleasant and I was just curious for opinions, if any, not to be told that we both sounded like a pair of assholes 😁

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 16/02/2023 21:54

Sounds pretty fair

autienotnaughty · 16/02/2023 21:55

So Sam works 5 days does hobby every day for an hour . Does 50% of bed time, all the cooking and some tidying.
Alex works 4 days aweek slightly longer hours. Does hobby on day off. Does 50% of bed time, laundry and shopping, morning school run and children's mental load.

I'd say Alex is doing more and even tho they work less hours is probably slightly worse off but I would say its relatively fair.

autienotnaughty · 16/02/2023 21:57

I think ur Sam Btw. Just not sure if you're feeling hard done to or if Alex is and your checking out if he has a point.

Original poster
PermanentlyinUAT · 16/02/2023 22:51

Sam is slightly aggrieved about having to cook every night.

Alex agrees that this is a lot however Alex does all of the morning school runs, takes on all of the mental load of the DC during the week including logistics when the nanny doesn’t show up. And does laundry and food shopping so thinks this offsets Sam’s cooking burden.

Sam works longer hours, starts earlier, finished earlier, 5 days.
Alex starts work post school drop off and works til 6.30/7. 4 days.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 16/02/2023 23:21

Can’t you swap some tasks then? Alex cooks a few nights and Sam does some of the laundry?

Shrewsbury247 · 16/02/2023 23:30

Pretty even although I’d like to be Alex with his one day off, the mental load is a lot though it must be said and Sam has the bonus of sailing out in the morning and leaving the madness of getting everyone up and out to Alex…. Yeah all in all pretty fair!

Hawkins003 · 16/02/2023 23:38

Mix and match activities ?

DelphiniumBlue · 16/02/2023 23:38

If no one starts cooking the dinner till after Sam has finished her hobby at 7pm, what time are the DC having their dinner? And then they have bath etc ? Bedtime must be very late in your house, OP. How old are the DC? And how often do you actually see them? Sounds like it's only from 7pm onwards, and not at all in the morning. Sounds quite hard on everyone, tbh.

Rogue1001MNer · 17/02/2023 00:12

Genuinely not being nasty, but to me the DC seem to be nowhere in either parent's life

I agree with @DelphiniumBlue , I think

The children seem to be NOWHERE while the parents argue about who maintains their pre-child single life the best

So my question is, out of Sam, Alex and nanny, who loves, celebrates, supports, enjoys DC the most?

Isthisexpected · 17/02/2023 00:15

Alex has it easier. The mental load is on Sam for thinking about what to cook every night, so Alex isn't the only one with a mental load.

2013isback · 17/02/2023 00:50

I thought it sounded roughly fair the way you wrote It -- but I love to cook (and to meal plan) so if Sam doesn't, I can understand her feeling that's too much.

I was assuming that the whole family spent the weekend days together, so although Alex has three free days and Sam has two, Sam has quite a bit less completely discretionary time. I also wondered if, given that Sam's job is demanding, she is also bringing work home?

I know you said the unreliable nanny can't be replaced, but I would keep looking for options; if I were Alex that situation would really be a source of stress for me.

Is Alex unable to cook, or it's just worked out that he doesn't? Is he doing other cooking-like work like making the children's breakfast, lunch, snacks? Could he make dinner on his non-work weekday, just to give it a try? Could Sam and/or Alex (and the children, if old enough) do some prepping over the weekends so that weeknight dinners are quicker and easier?

Floralnomad · 17/02/2023 01:03

It sounds pretty fair but I’d rather be Alex

SunshineAndFizz · 17/02/2023 01:13

Sounds pretty fair. If anything Alex does more - all drop offs, food shopping, laundry and extra child care vs just cooking.

WombatsAndGumTrees · 17/02/2023 04:19

I'm sure Alex does plenty of home stuff on their day at home? It doesn't sound like a bad balance but maybe a rejig is in order? If Sam doesn't like doing all the cooking, maybe Alex can do a night or two in the weekend. In exchange, maybe Alex can move their hours around to do one or two of the morning school drop offs. Sit down and renegotiate the tasks so everyone feels good about it. Being in the office more doesn't have to mean that the load is heavier. Often the one that is home more carries more emotional load if doing more child related stuff.

Original poster
PermanentlyinUAT · 17/02/2023 13:22

I am Alex, my husband is Sam. My husband feels that having to cook every night is unfair whereas I feel that I have to not only do my own full on job (8 flights between this week and last week alone for example), I deal with everything child related in terms of logistics of school runs, as hoc pick ups when the nanny doesn’t show etc.

I mention the DC, as a couple of PP pointed out. Between us we have never missed a sports day, recital etc. I generally have a bit of flexibility (am pretty senior in my role so can take the time off but ultimately I’ll end up working on Fridays to ensure my work get done.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 17/02/2023 14:15

The obvious answer is for you to cook on say a Friday and the weekend or Friday and one other day in the week . You could get Hello fresh or similar and get the kids to help .

SunshineAndFizz · 17/02/2023 14:24

I still think it's all a fair enough split.

Sounds like after work and 'doing his hobby' every night for an hour he'd like the meal to be cooked for him.

Coffeellama · 17/02/2023 14:38

PermanentlyinUAT · 17/02/2023 13:22

I am Alex, my husband is Sam. My husband feels that having to cook every night is unfair whereas I feel that I have to not only do my own full on job (8 flights between this week and last week alone for example), I deal with everything child related in terms of logistics of school runs, as hoc pick ups when the nanny doesn’t show etc.

I mention the DC, as a couple of PP pointed out. Between us we have never missed a sports day, recital etc. I generally have a bit of flexibility (am pretty senior in my role so can take the time off but ultimately I’ll end up working on Fridays to ensure my work get done.

Clearly time for a reshuffle then, you cook one or two nights and he does a one of your jobs. Don’t blame him at all for being bored of cooking every single night forever. Nothing wrong with a shuffle around.

Original poster
PermanentlyinUAT · 17/02/2023 14:54

The thing is he doesn’t want to do laundry or go to the supermarket. He can’t do the school runs. And I hate cooking.

OP posts:
WombatsAndGumTrees · 17/02/2023 21:31

PermanentlyinUAT · 17/02/2023 14:54

The thing is he doesn’t want to do laundry or go to the supermarket. He can’t do the school runs. And I hate cooking.

If the laundry involves as much as mine does, then one doing that and one doing cooking is a fair deal. I totally get that someone doesn't want to cook every single night though. Maybe the person who doesn't cook can do one night a week? That would give the cook a break. Or maybe start a Friday night take out night, or something? My mother had one night where she served things like toast, yoghurt and boiled eggs each week. That was her night off.

I am the main cook in our house but my DH usually cooks one night in the weekend. If I'm tired, sometimes he'll finish the dinner or cook something simple for me.

I think not liking tasks isn't a reason not to do them if it means the other person never gets a break (unless both are happy with that arrangement).

Maybe you both need to consider a reset? Rejig the chores and consider whether the structure of your current jobs still works with the family life stage?