My dad is dying [Trigger warning: domestic violence]

[pissedoffamericawoman]

My dad as some of you may already know had a very complicated relationship with my family. He was very mentally unwell and was very abusive and unkind. He burned every single bridge with his family and every relationship that ever could be with a human.

On valentine’s day he had a major heart attack. He went into surgery and while he was in surgery he had a very severe stroke. The doctors said he is unlikely to survive it and if he does he will be severely disabled and very likely suffer.

I’m going through so many conflicting emotions as is the rest of our family. In a way many of us already mourned his loss when we left him on christmas eve of 2004 after he attacked my sister and mother and threatened to murder her.

But now I think I’m mourning what could have been. He is only 56 but I suppose his early passing comes as no surprise as he is 480lbs and has been for well over 30 years. But I really hoped his entire family leaving him would be the wake up call he needed to turn his life around. Even though I know never speaking to him was the right decision part of me always hoped he would change his life and settle down with a nice girlfriend and make something for himself. But he never did. His closest companion was his dog who I fear he also abused because he abused every single one of our family pets that we ever had. I imagine he was only close to his dog because it could not protest when he kicked it.

My dad I don’t think ever knew the feeling of mutual human love and I think that’s the saddest thing of all. The family members that where brave enough to give him a second chance said that he was still very angry, hateful and zealous. And each interaction he always made it about himself when they tried to confront him about how he treated them wrongly. He was incapable of change and now he is dying alone.

How do I feel? Very confused. Part of me wants to try to talk to him but he can’t even talk now because of the stroke. Another part of me thinks neither him nor myself have nothing to gain from the interaction. I have too many negative emotions swirling around inside me about him. I might say something unkind that will make his passing harder and lonelier for him. I wish things had gone differently for him. I wish he had grown as a man and learned that kindness it’s not weakness. I wish he had learned to love and experienced it in its true form. I wish he wasn’t so lonely right now.

I wanted better for him.

Sometimes nothing you do can hep or change things. Sit by his bed and tell him how sad you feel about the wasted opportunities to have a better life but you feel compassion for him nonetheless. Some people are so damaged nothing will help them

I couldn't read and run. First understand that he is where he is because of his own choices, not because his family didn't love him enough, or care for him enough.

This is an awful time for you because although you've grieved for him already, you are now having to face that he is never going to change or admit any wrongdoing or try to make amends. It's kind of the end of hope.

It sounds like you still have love for him in spite of how hard he makes it. You understandably don't like him very much, but you have big heart to be disappointed FOR him rather than IN him.

In your situation, I think I'd sit by his bedside and wish him peace. Tell him you love him if you like. But know that his passing will bring him the peace he never had in life for whatever reason.

I think that your mum must have been a pretty amazing person to bring up someone who is so magnanimous under such difficult circumstances. It is incredibly sad that you never had the chance to have a proper father and that now you have lost any chance of change happening. I am also really sorry that you dad was so incapable of love and the best things in life. You could go and tell him that you are sad that you never had the chance to have a loving relationship with him but I think that you might be right. It wouldn't help you and, with hearing being the last thing to go, it may only make things harder for him. You might be best just mourning the dad you never got to have.

Thank you. Your comment helped me form my feelings into words. I think I’m very much mourning the loss of hope of him changing. father that I will never have. My mother did even though the cards were very much stacked against her she still focused a lot on love, kindness, forgiveness and willingness to constantly grow and change for the better.

You're grieving for what you never had and now will never have. You aren't grieving for him as a person. It's really hard and you'll be assaulted by waves of differing emotions over the next few months. I'm a few months down the line and sometimes forget that my abusive father is dead. I'll never have that relationship with him but so be it.

@pissedoffamericawoman
You are amazing. And as @Brenna24 says your mother too

You're not unreasonable - all the emotions, many conflicting, will hit you like a train.

You owe him nothing and he owes you everything.

It may seen trivial, but try to ensure any pets are removed and looked after.

That'll be one less thing to worry about

I am so so sorry for your loss and by that I mean the loss of the father that you deserved to have. It is so so sad how much damage one person can do to those around them but for someone not to be able to love, which obviously your father couldn’t, they have to have been significantly damaged by their own life and then they pass that damage on.

It is so sad for the people affected by that and of course it is sad that your Dad couldn’t have experienced the life that would have made him capable of being a proper father and husband.

I’m sorry that you’ve been through a similar situation with your father. It’s really rough. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Right now my great aunt is looking after him and she hates him. I think about that. His emergency contact was someone who doesn’t even like him. He’s done this to himself though. She’s looking after him because there’s no one else left to do it.

They apparently had severely arguments between the heart attack and surgery because he kept bringing up things in her past that happened decades ago and telling her she was going to hell. He was also shouting at the doctors and nursing and telling them off. I guess he will be an old bastard right until the bitter end.

You can feel whatever you went to feel. Allow yourself to grieve the childhood you never had and hug the little girl who never felt the warm comfort of her father’s love. I have no words of wisdom, op, but I am sending you strength and love during this difficult time.

You are right it is not entirely his fault that he is the way he is. His parents were callous religious zealots too and they also abused him while putting his little sister up on a pedestal making her the golden child essentially and comparing them while putting him down. I can’t imagine what that must have done to his mind. He was also suffering from severe borderline personality disorder.

Before we left him my older sister and mother suspected something was wrong in the mental health department but he refused to get treatment and if it was brought up it would just antagonize him further. We didn’t find out about his true diagnosis until after he was in prison. He was released on good behaviour the first time after only a year but went back after he attacked his parents and doctors which was when the diagnosis happened.

I will check that any animals in his home are cared for. Thank you for the reminding. It’s easy to forget in all of the chaos.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through similar with my abusive, narcissistic father and the emotions are overwhelming. I was the only one with him when he died. He was much older than your dad and was mentally ill since childhood. I had already grieved for the father I hadn't had. I wanted closure for me and an end to all the hurt and upset. I have no idea if he heard me, but I told him he had been a lovely little boy and had deserved a better life. I said that there was nothing else he had to do, nowhere he needed to be and that everything was just as it should be. I kissed his hand and told him he could go in peace. He died almost immediately afterwards. It remains one of the most special moments of my life, strange as it might sound. I wanted him to know I had forgiven him and the slate had been wiped clean. He might not have needed that, but I did. I'm not suggesting for a moment anyone should forgive if they don't want to or don't feel they can or even be with a family member when they die. I did what was right for me and I hope you will too x

I had already grieved for the father I hadn't had. I wanted closure for me and an end to all the hurt and upset. I have no idea if he heard me, but I told him he had been a lovely little boy and had deserved a better life. I said that there was nothing else he had to do, nowhere he needed to be and that everything was just as it should be. I kissed his hand and told him he could go in peace. He died almost immediately afterwards. It remains one of the most special moments of my life, strange as it might sound. I wanted him to know I had forgiven him and the slate had been wiped clean

It is such a difficult one because depending on where you are with dealing with the wounding from these kinds of relationships, one person might be nowhere near forgiveness at the end or forgiveness might never be part of another person’s journey, somethings are unforgivable and that’s alright too, but your story really moved me @Almostalwayshappy

I think that’s really bitter sweet. I’m glad that you found some light in your darkness. I hope it helped him while passing on. I don’t think I’m mad at my father anymore. Hurt and traumatized? Certainly. I respect your experience though I don’t know if it will be mine. Only time will tell I suppose.

Thank you for putting that, I was going to ask about any animals too.

I think if you want to say anything to your father, however harsh, the time is now. You might not be comfortable saying it face to face, that’s understandable. It might help you to write down what you want to say to him exactly as you would want to say it, don’t hold back. Then you can seal that up to be re-read or destroyed at a later date or destroy it as you wish.
Look after yourself.

@pissedoffamericawoman I'm sorry I've only read your first post as I'm struggling to stay awake.
I just wanted to say that my not so 'D' F has had, and is currently having, health issues. He was also abusive. We live in a rural area where everyone knows one another, and I get lost between what I feel and what I think I should be feeling from the point of view of others.
I read recently that the grief hits longer in these circumstances as you grieve what should have been, lack comforting memories etc.
keep talking, don't bottle anything up. Thinking of you 💐

Just an update: It seems the old grumpy bastard is going to live to fight another day. He’s somehow made a profound recovery over the last day or so and he can now speak through his speech is very slurred. He has a facial droop, He can’t use his right hand though he can walk with a walker. The doctor mentioned speech therapy would help immensely and he started screaming that he would never cooperate and he just wants to go home. I guess I can’t blame him for feeling that way he really has been through the ringer and I know what it’s like feeling like shit in a hospital and never feeling comfortable.

He has to wait the surgery now because the doctors said he’s no longer healthy enough for open heart surgery but once he recovers a bit they would like to put in a heart stint.

They did a CT scan and his heart is 100% blocked on the right side and 80% blocked on the left side so that’s a bit worrying. I’m frankly surprised he didn’t have a cardiac event before this. Here’s hoping he makes it through till they can put in the stint.

His living situation is very much up in the air right now though. He’s not well enough to live alone anymore. My sister is taking care of my dependant mother and has a small child at home so that is a huge no. Pretty sure mother would rather be eaten alive by wolves than live with dad and he’s not safe around children.

I however live in canada also have a small child and he has a felony so therefore cannot get a passport. So that’s essentially out of the question also. Also really not looking forward to getting yelled at and called names on the daily. I would give it three days before my husband kicks him out on the streets and that’s being generous.

Not sure how my great aunt feels about him living with her but it’s probably similar to my mothers feelings about the situation.

My sister is getting in touch with a social worker about the conundrum so we will see how this all develops.

Also my sister checked his home for pets. There were none. It was later discovered his dog passed away recently and we suspect this could have been what triggered these events.