Don't know how to help stressed and overwhelmed DP

[Balza]

My DP is really stressed with work. Last night he said that he felt so overwhelmed he sometimes just wants to cry.

He has a lot of plates to spin meaning he has a lot of smaller projects/tasks/activities that he always needs to be on top of. But he also has a huge level of responsibility with lots at stake. So it's a combination of the amount of work, the diversity of work, and the responsibility of work.

DP's the silent, festering type. I can tell when his stress is building even though he won't say. Then one thing will happen which will set him off spiraling thinking about all his plates, then he'll feel overwhelmed with everything, then he'll project onto other areas of our life and become fatalistic like everything is just shit and pointless. Then he gets moody and quiet and won't let me in.

I feel useless. I want to help him, both practically and emotionally. But I don't know how. I'll take on more of the domestic tasks (for now!!!) to give him a little more time. And we're having a big weekend to decompress a little. But I don't know what else to do.

I don't know what I'm asking for, sorry. I guess I just wanted to vent because I feel a bit overwhelmed and useless. Sorry.

My husband is experiencing similar stress due to work issues. Not 2 minutes ago, he was talking about everyone out to get him (paranoia). I really do feel for him, the situation isn't great.

What I have done to hopefully help is :- Magnolia Rhodiola supplements which are good for stress, calming herbal tea instead of coffee and making him to 10/15 mins of yoga everyday.

I think ultimately he needs to find another job, but I am hoping these little steps will help reduce his reaction to stress. I don't know if this is helpful to you.

Not much to suggest here but didn't want to leave completely unanswered.

If the main source of his stress and feeling overwhelmed is his work, then that's the area that needs to be addressed. Anything else is really just a sticking plaster, and trying to e.g. give him more space by taking on domestic tasks means it will only build up again in time.

Realistically you can't fix his work problems for him, you could only suggest things for him to try. But can he talk to his line manager and be honest about the difficulties, try to come up with a plan to share the load with people, be more flexible on deadlines, prioritise, etc. Most organisations would rather try to tackle this sort of situation in advance rather than cope with him going off sick and burnt out.

What's your home life like? Is it chaotic? Does he manage to switch off?

Slightly scorched earth strategy but have you considered reflecting back at him the way his response/reaction to his work stresses don't actually serve him, or solve anything? It sounds like he needs new, and better, coping methods.

Don't allow him to slip into 'mood tyrant' mode. (I'm not saying he is doing that just now. But it sounds like he could be close to it, with the moodiness and so on.) Again, him transferring his stress onto the home environment isn't fair on him or you, and it won't solve the problem. So don't allow it to happen.

At one level — fuck that, at many levels — this isn't your problem to solve. But I also get why you're asking; when you love someone, and they're going through the shit, you want to help or at least share the load.

I would urge caution around taking on more of the domestics. It doesn't sound like this is the primary issue here, so arguably aren't you just taking on more work at home in order to walk on eggshells around him? I don't mean to sound harsh there. But I think you doing the bins more often is a 'sticking plaster on a broken leg' approach really.

What he needs is better coping strategies for work stress.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

@BeetleyCarapace We've been here before and I did the 'scorched earth' trick then which worked. Basically, I told him to shit or get off the pot - learn to deal with the stress or change his life but that I wasn't willing to live in constant misery. It worked then. But the situation is slightly different now because work is quite different. Still, I might give him a few days and then go for it.

I was a bit nervous about posting about the domestic stuff because I don't want it to be taken out of context. DP contributes 50% to our domestic life. It's not about walking on eggshells. What I meant was that at moments of intense stress, I'm happy to take the dog out even though its his turn so he can plough through some work. Last night I washed and dried up alone so he could finish emails, for example. I'm happy to do this for a short while until he gets his head sorted.

@GoodChat Our home life is as chilled as you could possibly hope for. We have plenty of time to switch off in the evenings and at weekends.

@givemushypeasachance His workload is pretty standard for people in our industry (we work in the same sector) and not huge TBH. I think he over-invests in what he does and I told him so last night. So his manager wouldn’t take anything from him to lighten his load. As well as this job, he’s also running a company which is where the sense of huge responsibility comes from because he’s the one putting his name to all the legal stuff.

@BrandNewBicep I’m sorry your DP is in a similar situation. It sucks. I’m not sure I’d convince DP to do yoga but I do force him to do some HIIT type workouts at home sometimes which really helps. He came off coffee years ago!