How did the death of your parents affect your relationship with siblings?

[WrendaleCountryDogs]

If you've lost your parents, how did your relationship with your siblings change, if at all? Did you become closer?

No, I've just got the one, my sister. we were both in our 40s when Mum and Dad died fairly close to each other. We were both relieved, since the path had been difficult. We have never been close, just çivil, and the deaths didn't change anything.

Brought us much closer. We were never that good together. Fought a lot everyone thought we'd go our separate ways or fall out. We're now really good friends 😊

I thought we were close before the death of our dad but it was close from afar as we lived in different countries. Since my dad's death he has nothing to do with me infact its like years of distain have shown slowly as the months go on. I know people grieve differently but he no longer wants me in his life. No big arguments no nothing just silence and one word answers when I do try reaching out. I find it very sad but have accepted just to let him get on and I will be here should he ever wish to get closer again.

No. Things were very strained before my dad's death. A few truths were said by me and we've not spoken for 4 years now. I'm glad. He was very toxic. Sad for my mum though :(

We were always quite close ,before and after mum died, until his wife fell out with me and made it difficult . We did make friends not long before she died. My brother had been busy nursing her but since she died he has slowly reverted to his old self and we are very close now despite living 70 miles apart. He is the one person who “knows” me.

We were always close, even though have often lived quite far away and could see each other so often. My mum died suddenly when we were in our early 20s and then my dad a few years ago with us in our 40s. Both deaths definitely strengthened and deepened our connection with each other.

*Couldn’t see each other that often

Non existent and it makes me sad, my DM was the glue holding the family together, she would arrange family get togethers at home, we’d all moved at least a 2 hour drive from one another. DF remarried, new family, has since died. Contact with siblings was very much one sided so I’ve given up.

Closer.
Rocky few years while mum and dad were ill and declining. Differences of opinion over care. Revelations about a drip feed of money over the years. I found I could barely he in the same room as sister.
Since their deaths I've had a couple of friends lose siblings and frankly the thought, however fraught our past relationship, of losing my sister now, horrified me.
I've made real efforts at rapprochement. My mantra is now that I can't change the person, but I can change my reaction to her

DH still sees his siblings, but the death of their final parent meant the rest of them no longer had to make the effort for their Mum's sake and the other three rarely see eachother.

My SIL and I have had a few spats over the years, but she's definitely a lot more welcoming to me now, due to the fact I said I'd spend the night with DH and DMIL (didn't know it'd be her final few hours) to give SIL a rest. I call SIL to suggest she return and gave her the option of me sitting in waiting room, but she wouldn't hear of it.

My mum died, that didn't affect my relationship with DB. Then my dad became ill, and between us we had to look after him. We've been in touch daily ever since.

Thanks for your replies

My brother and I have always had a difficult relationship as I had undiagnosed adhd and was absolutely horrendous. He is 2 years older than me. He spent most of his time at his mates houses.
Neither of us are married/no kids (He does have an 18 year old step daughter who he still sees despite him not being with the mum any more).
We live 5 miles from each other and he works literally around the corner from my house but we never spend time together socially. He doesn't drive so I will take him places if he needs me to (he has a motorbike which is very temperamental and seems to spend more time off the road than on).
If he rings me its because he wants something.

We are in our 30s now. Our dad has never been around. Our mum is 62 so still young but has some health issues.
I wish we were closer and I worry that when it's just us 2 left, we won't see anything of each other. This will leave me completely on my own as we have no other family and I have no partner (asexual) or kids (infertile).

My mums parents died when she was in her 20s, in an accident on the same day. She rarely sees her sister as like somebody above said, her parents were the ones that kept the family together.

I'm scared of being on my own I guess.

While my dad was ill brought us closer. Now I see my brother once a year if that. When my mum goes o doubt we will retain a relationship. It's so sad

We are a bit closer. There are 6 of us, spread around the UK and one in Australia. I was only really close to my sister, and occasional contact with 2 of my 4 brothers. If we had any contact other than a phone call Mum always wanted to be part of (in charge of) the meetings and if we arranged anything without including her she would be very 'upset' and we were 'excluding' her and she only wanted to 'be part of' things. She would also question all of us about our relationships with each other and be passive aggressive (bitch) about things she didn't agree with.

Now she isn't around we can be ourselves around each other without interference. We still are not what I would call close (apart from sister and one brother) but have a monthly zoom call, quiz and chat; for around 2 hours. It works for us. We know more about anything major going on in each others lives. I suspect another reason people are interested in being a little closer is that we are all retired so have more time for a casual friendship like this and we are getting to the ages where health issues are going to arise and it's better to have a comfortable chat as things develop rather than having to make a very difficult phone call at a time when something happens. 3 of us are in our 60s and 3 in 70s. Parents both lived to their 90s so it is likely we have a few years yet.

I know that once my grandmother died the family also split up as she was no longer there to arrange visits, meet at her house etc.
I have a similar relationship with my brother - We have hardly spoken for years and even on the last occasion when we were in the same room we didnt speak to each other - my mom did most of the talking
When my mom does go then there will be no reason for us to ever talk to each other let alone be in the same room. My mom is aware of this and it does upset her but she recognises that I have never liked him and she cant make us have a relationship

I never got on with my brother. Our DF died at 54, then our DM was killed at 69 in a car accident. For the first time in years we had to get together, plan a funeral, sell the family home and wind up her estate.
There were numerous examples of his behaviour during this time which reinforced why I don't like him.
That was six years ago and when all was settle we've barely spoken again since. He lives an hour away.

@WrendaleCountryDogs My position is similar to yours in ways. I am single and childfree with a younger brother who is married but also has no children. We've never been close (are very different) and the death of my dad in 2020 really showed me who he was. He took no interest in any planning and could apparently think of nothing to say about my dad at all. He even commented that he didn't recognise anything that was said about my dad at the funeral by either my mum or myself (even though a lot of memories included him!).

My brother and his wife came to the funeral but left immediately afterwards and wouldn't even stay for lunch with my mum. He didn't contact her for weeks and I sorted all paperwork and stayed at hers for a week to do so. He lives a 10minute walk from her home whereas I live 20 miles away and yet I see her more frequently than he does - she's lucky if he sees her once and month and never phones either.

She's now 80 and is starting to have some health issues but I can see him already stepping back. Everything will be left to me and he'll do the bare minimum. Once everything is sorted I can't see us ever getting together again as he's already announced he wants to retire to Thailand (his wife is Thai) and we'll only send Christmas and birthday cards. It saddens me but to be honest I probably don't care as much as I should.

Our dad died when I was 1 and my sister 3. To be honest I think that really set the tone for our relationship, we've never got on. My sister hugely resents my existence, and me getting what she perceives as more attention from our mum even though we're in our thirties. I was unwell as a baby and child so my mum was very focused on that and without my dad around my sister got less attention/farmed out to other relatives. I can see why she feels the way she does but I didn't ask to be ill or for our dad to die so I do feel her hatred towards me is unfair.

My db and I were never close, and the death of our parents showed that never being in contact again was the right thing.

I have two brothers and I'm only close to one of them. The other I'm no contact with and that's fine with me, if I never saw him again it would be too soon.

OP do you have friends or any interests that could lead to building friendships? I don't think it's healthy to only ever rely on siblings to be there for us.

I have lost both my parents and my brother quite young, so for a while now it's been only my younger sister and me. Initially I think we became closer,but as time has gone on she has retreated into her own family unit and I matter less to her than her adult kids and husband. Whilst that's natural and understandable it still hurts that I'm kind of relegated to the periphery of her life. I have no real relationship with her kids either so have made my peace with drifting apart from them all

My sister and I are really close and when Dad died last year it really made us almost close ranks on the rest of the world to support Mum and each other. She is the person who totally gets me, we have a never ending stream of messages and see one another several times a week - we live round the corner from one another and socialise together. I am very lucky to have her.

I am one of six children, one was an awful human being truly despicable as soon as Mum was buried we all cut her off. As an example of her behaviour she slept with one of my other sisters husbands. Yes I know he did the dirty but FGS it was just unbelievably low. She also had a married lover for years and was the OW. She did many truly terrible things.

My mum's death and the close contact we had over the last few months opened up a lot of issues and hurt

I hate my sister for how she behaved in my mums last days

Now my dad is ill and our contact is purely practical

Once dad is dead I'll never have to think about her again.

Much closer to my 3 brothers, despite 3 countries between us, we have family all every Monday night, set time.Fortunately my parents planned their will well.
as they were killed together far easier
we meet up, every year too, nieces and nephews joining in