OK so today is the first day of the rest of my life

[Firstdays]

What would you do in my shoes? I need a plan, I like a plan, but have been drifting for a bit.

• I'm 53, work full time in a good job, that I like, with decent boss and colleagues but don't love. Financially comfortable and independent.
• DH died 18 months ago after a long illness. I cared for him at home for the last 3 months when he was bed bound.
• I have 2 adult sons. Ds1 hasn't really applied himself to a career or education but he's always worked, pays his way, lives at home, but I don't see much of him because he has a very serious GF. DS2 is away at Uni. He had something of a breakdown about 9mths after his dad's death. He seems improved now, but not entirely well. He is a constant worry.
• I have a wide circle of friends through a number of hobbies and interests. I am busy, with an active social life, but I don't have anyone I'm close to. They say you find out who your friends are in hard time and I'm afraid to say I discovered that most of the couples who were "our" friends don't bother with me now. There are others who pleasantly surprised me and have been really good to me, but it takes time for me to form close friendships, so I don't feel I have anyone close currently.

I feel at a crossroads. I could retire or change direction or stay in my cushy, well paid but a bit boring job. If I retire I don't really know what I'll do with the time.

I need to develop some friendships. I've tried a bit and I have some good people around me, but I don't think that 's something I can force. E.g. I've recently contacted a few people over social things and quite often they can't make it. That's OK, people are busy, but I still feel the knock back quite keenly. I need to do more things by myself, which I do enjoy, but also I like people!

And men. I know a few through the hobbies and some are very nice, but TBH "going there" seems more trouble than it's worth, the prospect.of the fall out "afterwards". On line dating sounds terrifying (and people might spot me and know I'm doing it!) but I don't want to be celibate forever.

I could go on and on, but upshot is I feel I need to take some small steps towards building my new life. Where would you start?

Could you possibly go part time so you have more time for some different hobbies where you might meet new people? Maybe change your job to a different one entirely would help there too. Does your current job allow you to meet new people?

In your shoes I wouldn't retire quite yet, it might be quite isolating and you're so young still!

You’re doing amazingly. I’m so impressed with how you’re taking control of your situation and it seems like you have such a resilient, self aware, wise attitude. Honestly take a minute to recognise that and sit with it. I think only you can answer the specific questions you have. But I would recommend trying to find some headspace with a change of scene. Can you go spend a night / weekend somewhere completely away from your day to day? Somewhere peaceful, near nature, calm. Take some walks, listen to whatever music grounds you, think and really make space to open up to what the universe / your inner self says. I know it sounds hippie as hell but I find we often have the answers if we can create enough quiet to listen for them.

Yes, I've been thinking about part time too. I thought it would be good to have one day to just "be". My weekends are very busy, which I love and I don't want to start turning down invitations.

I'm going to visit DS tomorrow and we're going hiking!

I actually think one thing I need to do is break the phone/MN/FB habit. I knowni use.it so much becuase it gives me some connection, but it's not the same as real connection

I think you need to find some new hobbies. Finding something I love (in my case pole fitness) has changed my whole outlook on life, I am so much more open to trying new stuff than I've ever been before. I've made some great friends through it too.

I'm now just signing myself up for anything that is a bit different, I'm doing a meditation workshop soon and going to a full moon sauna ritual - stuff I'd have turned my nose up at a couple of years ago. I'd also love to do an art class, pottery, do a massage course, learn music production etc etc.

I think part time sounds like a good decision, keep some stability while you explore new avenues and see where they take you.

As for men, I wouldn't bother. If someone comes into your life that is worth your time and attention then that's lovely, but I'd concentrate on making your life as rich and fulfilled as possible on your own.

Consider dropping to part time or starting slowly and dropping to a 4 day week.
If you like hiking/walking consider planning a trip for example completing Hadrian’s wall is on my bucket list. Or do a charity hike raise money and meet new people that way.

I've booked a week trekking in the Alps for the summer. It's true I've done more than I realise!