Happy, single, childless/childfree women

[NCSQ]

This might seem like an odd post for a parenting board but I have been on MN for many years and my experience here is that 90% of posters are welcoming of women without children. I like the MN community and would like to ask for advice on this here.

I am early 40s, long-term single and coming to terms with the fact that I am very unlikely ever to have children now. In an ideal world I would have had them, but I never had the right partner at the right age and did not/do not want to go it alone.

In all honesty, combined with being single, I feel like an outsider in society at the moment and very lonely at times. Every one of my friends has children and are totally absorbed in family life now. I am not as sad as some women would be in the same situation, but I am struggling with what I guess is a coming to terms with things and the identity shift it requires.

So, I would simply like to hear about women of a similar age or older who have forged a happy life without children. I am looking for inspiration during a challenging time. Do you have a friend, sister, colleague like this? How do you see them navigating their role in society? How would you describe their self-talk and attitude?

I realise that last bit could sound a bit journalist-y! It is definitely not (cube of poo, etc.). I am just trying to get inspiration about broader mindsets and lifestyles than the usual 'do lots of travelling' stuff.

Thank you in advance

I'm younger than you but plan to stay childfree, as I think loads of people do. It doesn't seem unusual. I don't think at all about my role in society, I just get on with my life and do what I want. My attitude is I don't want kids, I think I'd be OK at being a parent but I can't be arsed, and I think if you do it you should do it well, and as I can't be arsed I probably wouldn't do it well enough.
I get emails from curiouslychildfree.substack.com/ which are interesting.

I would widen your friendship group, I do have a DC but the majority of my friends are child free by choice and are (in the main - I know I will get slated for this comment) much more interesting than my friends with DC. It does sound rare that you don't have any childfree friends?

I'm married but happily childfree - I've said I didn't want children from a young age and have never changed my mind. I'm lucky that DH has also never wanted children, and I have a small group of childfree friends, on top of my friends who have chosen to have children.

Despite the best efforts of others (you won't know real love, you might still change your mind etc etc), I don't see myself as devalued in society. I make my mark by being a good friend, family member and wife and enjoying what time I have on the planet.

How do you see [single women without children] navigating their role in society?

I find this sort of thing is generally said by people who just can't comprehend that there is life beyond partner + children. I don't 'navigate' a role, I just get on with my life. (What's the alternative, sitting in a cupboard 😂)

I have the advantage of never being that fussed about having children, and having several friends without children. Many of my friends have been single for long periods (widowed, divorced, met later in life) even if they partner up again so singlehood is normal.

Obviously if you want(ed) children, that's hard.

Thank you all. The point about friendship stands out here. It is true that I don't have any friends without children and maybe that's a good place to start. I have plenty of friends from different environments (school, uni, work, random meetings) but they all have kids, mostly more than one. That has been a big change in recent years and since the pandemic they all seem to have vanished into family life completely.

I know that 'navigate' sounds a bit naff. But I do feel like I have to work through something. It's as though life around me is made for people with children, you can just fall into that role and life happens for you/to you. That isn't necessarily a good thing but it's a clear path. I feel more like I am navigating societal roles and others' attitudes than my own mindset, though am very happy to be challenged on that.

@DisplayPurposesOnly I am a bit sad. I love children and in an ideal world would have had them. But I am not wracked with grief like I think many women can be, just getting my head around a life that is different from what I envisaged.

It's unusual that you don't know any women without children. I can think of at least 2 - one wanted children but it never happened, she has loads of friends, lives with her elderly mum and works in a demanding job. Her life seems full and happy, even though the fact she will never have children pains her. The other one is mid-40s as well, happily married and never wanted children. Her life is the exact opposite, she hardly has any friends, her life revolves around her numerous pets and her husband. She seems happy with her lot, and the fact that she takes care of rescue animals gives her a sense of purpose.
If I were you, I would find women in a similar position to you. I have kids and would find it hard if all my friends were childfree, it's natural to feel lonely if you don't have friends who live a similar life to you.

Most of the friends I see most often don’t have kids, and that’s because I have focused on my friendships with people who have similar interests. I’ve only had the “you’ll never know what real love is” from one friend and she should have known better.

I like kids but I have zero interest in talking about them for hours. My uni friends all have kids and I love catching up with them, but I do feel like an outsider with them partly because I’m single and child free. That said, I wouldn’t want most of their relationships so it works both ways! 🤷‍♀️

I'm one of these women OP. 48, long term single, no children and not 'lots' of friends but enough for me! I was never really maternal, although I love children, just never really wanted my own.
I have gotta say, when I do start thinking about it, it makes me feel rather lucky really. I tend to look around a lot at the situations and relationships of others and for the majority of the time think I'm much better off by myself.
I'm not completely averse to meeting someone, but they would have to bring something to my life that I don't already have, and I cant see it happening if I'm honest.
I did worry in my early 30's as my older sisters would drop the, 'one day you'll wake up and have this yearning for a child' but its never happened, thank god!
My friends are a mixture of mums and childfree women (and some men) and I make sure I try to spend time with their children, but they also value spending time with me without their children.
I feel very fortunate to have the kind of life I lead, I'm by no means rich in a monetary term, but definitely have a rich and varied life of doing exactly what I please, and I love it!! ;-))

I found your post as I came on here with the same sort of thoughts... I'm a similar age, single and childless. I think of myself as childless rather than child free as I always wanted children but, like you, am coming to terms with not. Mostly I don't talk about it with anyone. One friend in the same position talks about it a lot and feels most of her other friends have kids and leave her out. A lot of my other friends just happen to also not have children and this makes it easier for me. I also have some friends with kids and enjoy spending time with them (and their kids if it's something we're doing together). Sometimes people make comments or give advice that upsets me but I think always unintentionally...

I’m childfree, as are all my friends. You need to look at widening your social circle so that it puts you in contact with people who are more likely to be able to do what they do because they don’t have children.

I can’t say I’ve really had to navigate or forge anything, or that there’s much of an attitude or identity involved. I’ve simply never wanted children or felt any kind of maternal drive or instinct so it’s been less of a conscious decision than just my norm. I’m 37 and I’ve really just kept on living much the same lifestyle I’ve had since my early twenties, because it’s brilliant and I have a lot of fun and wouldn’t want to change.

I do meet women with children socially from time to time but they tend to weed themselves out quite quickly: they can’t participate in a lot of the stuff us childfree people can, so we don’t see them very often.

My neighbour seems happy as she approaches 60. She has one sibling and her Mum in the same town and a nephew. She has a lot of friends including me. We go for walks and cups of tea at each others houses, occasionally lunch out. She is very personable and also belongs to a choir.

I'm early 30s and single, don't feel any urgent to have children at the moment. I'd also suggest searching child free Facebook groups on your area. I am a member of one.

I joined a hobby group last year with lots of child free people, so I'd think hobbies and see what is happening locally. I have also at the same time lost friends who insisted on bringing their husbands everywhere. I mentioned it once, saying just girls night would be nice sometimes, and never heard from them again.

I have a good job and travel to see my friends in other countries often. I am more content now than I was in relationships that weren't right for me. If I meet someone in future I'll explore it.

I’m 49, very happily single & childfree. I was always a bit worried I might suddenly get some kind of biological urge to have kids, but I’ve reached peri without it happening so I think I’m ok.

I’ve got friends with & without kids, I’m very involved with local feminist groups & I volunteer for a cat rescue charity, so there’s always plenty going on. I can’t imagine wanting to live with anyone else to be honest, regardless of age or relationship. Not unless they’re furry & miaow.

I haven't logged on to MN in a while and just spotted that this thread has picked up again. Thank you all for the contributions. I have been feeling a bit better the last few weeks. I have moved home and for some reason it has helped. I am excited about the new place (not new location) and see it as somewhere to build my new self/new mindset.

@ComtesseDeSpair you sound awesome. I want to be in your gang!

Look up the podcast called Spinsterhood Reimagined, it's brilliant.

Its just using different words to describe the same thing. Some of us find it easier to live their lives while other struggle to some extent. Children or not, married or not, in relationship or not.

And that is not the thread I thought I was on...

One of my uni friends has always been very clear she does not want children. We're early 40s and this doesn't seem to have changed. She lives close by me now.. we don't see each other as much as I'd like as I have a toddler and my husband is disabled but she sometimes comes to our house for boardgames after DC is in bed, or I sneak out to the pub after bedtime and it's great - almost like being child free again! She is very understanding about working around our schedule which is great - she understands that it's not that I don't value seeing her, it's just that my life has a lot of restrictions that I can't change right now. She seems very happy and has an enviable social life!