How to handle autistic DS’s crush

[SENSchoolDiaries]

Autistic DS is ‘high functioning’ but very much behind socially. He’ll just say whatever is on his mind. He’s a 5’8”, very early teens and definitely going through puberty.

He’s only just learning about sex because he wasn’t interested previously ( although he was taught at school and we had chats to test the waters) but we’re rectifying that now and he’s fine with it.

He’s developed a crush on a girl he sees at a youth group and it’s definitely not reciprocated. He’s struggling to understand why. He’s always understood body autonomy easily so we’re going down this route.

He does get intense so we’ve told him not to talk to her as she has said he’s made her uncomfortable.

Any pointers on helping him deal with it and move on? Should i allow him to stop attending the group (he’s asked)? He can’t always hide from a crush but maybe he can this time.

Any book recommendations for us, as parents and for him? He’s the ‘Growing up book for autistic boys’ and a couple of others that deal with biology of sex but how does he deal with feelings?

Ive not been there at such a young age so it’s tricky for me and DH. Apparently his first crush was as an adult.

Of course, being autistic your son’s mind will tick a different way from your own, but I don’t think you need to handle this any differently than to explain it in a concise and easy way. I think this probably works for any young teenager.

The best advice I was ever given is that ‘there is someone for everyone, and not everyone can be somebody’s cup of tea.’ I think it was explained to me that, some people LOVE chocolate and can’t understand why anyone would not, while others may not have taste for it. We are all individual with our own specific tastes and there is no rhyme or reason to why we like what we like. I’m sure you can find examples of difference between yourself and your son to highlight it, and it’s really no different between two people.

Just because your son likes someone, doesn’t mean he is her type. At some point I am sure he will receive interest from a girl he isn’t particularly interested in either, so it swings in roundabouts. This is the clearest and most easy way to look at relationships, IMO from a simplistic mindset (though we all know things are more complex with age.)

And just to add, I don’t think keeping him away from her is the right thing to do, unless he actually makes a nuisance of himself. I would give him the benefit of understanding the situation, and talk to him about it to see how he’s feeling.

I don’t think there’s any book or guide that can navigate young crushes or infatuation unfortunately, but it can help for him to find distractions or focuses, such as making other friends to take his mind off of it.

If he wants to quit the youth group, I’d let him, he must be feeling quite embarrssed and it sounds like others in the group will be aware. Must be other activities he can do.

For next time my completely uninformed suggestion is to teach him a series of steps for him to memorise to try to assess whether a girl is potentially interested or whether he should back off, hopefully this could stop him embarrassing himself so much next time.

I’d follow his gut instinct to quit the youth group. Find a different group.

however if he continues at youth group it’s good to help him understand that romantic relationships are often built on friendships. So being a friend is a good start. Help him research how to be a good friend. Explain that romantic relationships only develop when both individuals like each other that way. Help him understand how to respect girls.

Thank you all so much for your input. I really do appreciate it. You’re right- he must’ve been so embarrassed. I’ll discuss with DH about letting him stop going to the group, if he still wants to.

He does have one male friend and they get on really well but he struggles with seeing her at the group and not being able to talk to her. What a mess :(

@AG247 , unfortunately, that’s the issue. He struggles with knowing what to say to her and ends up stimming really badly, etc. This girl seems to have been so sweet and attentive to him whereas because of his social struggles, he doesn’t really get that response from girls he’s just met. It’s a real shame because this has happened could’ve made good friends with her.
He doesn’t have many friends, sadly.

Again, thank you all

ds 15 is autistic, high functioning.. very similar to how you described your DS, he couldn’t fathom that when he went to high school people changed, I tried to explain to him that most people in high school change, he can’t understand why they have changed and he hasn’t.. he’s lost a fare few amount of friends over this. His best friend from primary is still his best friend but he is autistic too. I’ve tried explaining it in every which way that is possible and he still can’t get it. Every now and then, it comes up, I usually tell him to just be himself and not worry about other people. Maybe you could tell your ds, that it’s her loss and he should just leave her be because shes obviously not into someone with his unique personality. There’s no easy way to make them understand because thier minds work differently..

I’m a bit puzzled as to why you’re making such heavy weather about ‘allowing’ him to stop attending a youth group. Isn’t this his decision?

I’m sorry your DS is in the same boat but glad we’re not alone in our situation. Thank you for sharing. He’s very similar, he doesn’t understand why they’ve changed either.

I’ve talked to DS about the possibility of meeting someone when the right time comes who will like him just as he is.

I’ll elaborate and reinforce. I don’t think i do that enough.

His friend at this club is also autistic; they understand each other and have a beautiful friendship.

If I let DS decide on where he’d like to go and what he’d participate in, he’d not leave the house. I know this case is different but i have to
proceed with caution, still. The leaders are really supportive and it’s a good opportunity for him to develop his social skills.

Anyway, we had a chat after I read the initial posts and asked if he still wanted to stop going and he said he’s not sure. I’ve asked him to think about it and that I’m assuming he doesn’t want to go after half term. He said he might stop for a few weeks but will let me know. He wants me to decide for him but i’ve said we can chat about it again before the end of the break.

If he showed distress or mentioned strongly that he didn’t want to go, I’d be on his side. As it is, DH is left waiting for ages when it’s time to
pick him up because he enjoys being there, mostly. The girls snd boys are split usually after the initial session intro.

We had some difficulties with this in my youth group recently, one of the guys (asd) had a crush on one of the girls and really struggled to manage it, it got to the stage where he started lashing out because he fekt so overwhelmed. We talked a lot about consent and what behaviours were okay and what behaviours were not OK and why. And I also went down the route that he wasn't attracted to everyone he met and that didn't mean they weren't just as important as people, so others feel that way too, she might not be attracted to him and that didn't mean there was anything bad about him, that's just what her feelings were. He took a break from the group for a while and we talked a lot about boundaries before he came back so he knew where the land lay in that respect but we also needed to talk about him contacting her on social media etc. We also had to speak to the girl to explain why he was finding it hard and help her to navigate how to respond and make sure she felt respected. A consistent message from you and the youth workers will be important so I'd meet with them to talk about it. I think it was so hard in our case because he was getting very different messages at home (telling him not to give up) than from me so that was confusing.

I think it was so hard in our case because he was getting very different messages at home (telling him not to give up) than from me so that was confusing.

This is very important. People mean well, but sometimes it just gives false hope. Don't say things like "It's her loss" because that makes it sound like she just needs to realise what she is missing out on, or "any girl would be lucky to have you" for the same reason. It implies that she is wrong=bad and this can trigger feelings of injustice, frustration and anger. It needs to be clear to him that nothing will change. It can't happen. There is nothing he can do to persuade this girl to like him in that way. And, especially, that she is not wrong or bad to feel that way.

Thank you. I agree on the importance of consistent messages, otherwise he ends up anxious. As i said the leaders are so supportive and open. They let me know as soon as it became an issue and i suggested him staying away from her, which they agreed to. We’ve agreed on how to answer certain questions, etc but he always throws a curve ball. If they think I need to know something, they let me know and vice versa.

Definitely something to bear in mind but we’re certainly not giving him any message that will lead to him holding on to any hope with her liking him back (he’s too young and I don’t want that complication in his life for a while yet tbh).
I will absolutely be giving him the message that he is a fantastic young man. The right person for him will reciprocate the feelings.

He’s so young though and I had hoped I wouldn’t be dealing with this for a while. Urgh