The shame of being an introvert

[JoonT]

I'd like to see if anyone can relate to my experience. I'm an introvert. In fact, I'm so introverted I must be off the scale. As a consequence, my teens and 20s were awful. But it wasn't being an introvert that I hated. I was perfectly happy pottering around at home – reading, playing my guitar, listening to music, etc. What really hurt me was the shame I felt at having no social life.

When I was 16, I went to a huge sixth form college in the town centre. On Mondays, everybody would be talking about the parties they'd been to, who 'got off' with who, etc. I'd spent the weekend at home doing nothing. So I used to make stuff up – or change the subject. I don't think I ever got over the way I felt at that college – the shame and humiliation. When I was 19, I went away to university, but couldn't cope with the social side and fled back home. I then went to the local university, where I spoke to pretty much no one for three years. My parents were obviously worried, and constantly had 'talks' with me. But, again, it wasn't being on my own that caused me pain, it was the shame.

I'd be lying if I said I've been unhappy. I haven't. I have an incredibly rich and happy inner life. I can sit alone in a room for hours blissfully lost in my thoughts. My teens and 20s were awful, but only because I felt society looked down on me. I felt like a loser and weirdo for not having a social life. Well into my 30s, I clung onto the idea that sooner or later I'd come out of my shell and 'be normal' – have friends, go out on a Saturday night, etc. Then I turned 40 and something went ping in my brain. I suddenly felt happy in my own skin. It was like I suddenly realised that, actually, no one cares what I do. Almost like a voice said 'it's over now, you can relax...this is who you are...it's too late, so stop worrying...it's OK to sit indoors reading or laying in a bath listening to audiobooks.' It was SUCH relief – like a huge weight had been lifted.

In fact, since I turned 40 I have felt happier and happier with every year that passes. Can anyone relate to all this?

Similar to me. Only in my 40s have I fully accepted I’m similar. I decline going out in groups if I don’t feel I can hack it because I no longer feel I need to fit in. I only make time for people I like being around. Liberating.

Absolutely. My ‘click’ moment was reading a book called Quiet, by Susan Cain. It completely changed the way I thought about myself. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it!

mmm... I find it funny you're content with no/almost no social contact but then reach out to have social contact about this revelation, the need to declare it.

Anyway, good that you're comfortable in your own skin (& have no desire whatsoever to share that fact with anyone ever etc)

I am not as introverted and I work surrounded by people and I like this but socialising is something different

I am reserved and like and need time to myself. I do not like big groups and have accepted this ans no longer force myself and I too am very happy just pottering around

I have often found extroverted people have taken upon themselves to try and bring me out of my shell or they sympathise with me for not being outspoken ie. they see me a doormat 🙄 I’ve always found this irritating.

Introverted people were felt sorry for why I don’t know I’m far more independent than many I know and I’m self assured I’m glad it’s not recognised as a negative in someone

Second the recommendation for Susan Cains book Quiet.

I'm introverted.
My teenage years were very different compared to my peers, I tried to do same stuff, but they always somehow knew I was different and never wanted to include me to their groups.
I ended up with a small circle of a true friends and became confident in their company.
However I did act very immature at certain points of my life.
My early twenties were difficult as well, as everyone seemed so matured, confident and grown up, but I was still struggling to understand what to do with my life, I was drowning in my emotions, also because I'm a big overthinker and I used to be very anxious around other people to the point that I purposely avoided contact with them.

Now I'm in my early thirties and I can honestly say, that I'm finally happy with my personality, with who I'm , I finally understand to myself and confident to be a part of a smaller group of friends, that I can truly trust and open myself.

I can finally say that I have matured and not care what other people say anymore.

I am an introvert. I love meeting and seeing people (that I already know). In the right crowd, I do not shut up, and can be life and soul of the party. I am an introvert because time spent with people depletes my batteries, and I need time alone to recharge them.

If you are struggling with seeing people, then you may have a form of social anxiety. It is a huge misconception that being an introvert means you are shy, or crap with people.
We then end up with this whole crap about extroverts dominating everything and chatting over everyone etc. You can be an introvert, and do just that too.

Introvert = needs time alone to recharge
Extrovert = needs to spend time with people to recharge.

As an introvert I can honestly say I don't give a fuck about what others say about my contentment at being alone and, although I can, and do, enjoy, chosen socialising, it's not something I need.

Agree with @XenoBitch that what you describe isn't what introversion is for lots of introverts (including me). Plenty of introverts do like social contact but tend to dislike the shallow chit chat sort, and prefer deeper more meaningful interactions. It's brilliant that you are happy, and I'd agree it is social expectations that can hold us back rather than ourselves. But desiring no social contact at all isn't typical of introversion.

I can relate, I have always needed my lunch breaks to sit and recharge instead of social interaction.
I even get secretly irritated if someone comes to talk to me, not only have they lost me my train of thought but I then have to think of some pointless small talk or focus on what they're talking about instead of what I was thinking about.
Im 40 this year and finally feel it's ok to be me, I'm not so worried about what people think of me or if I seem weird.
I do sometimes avoid places where I will be in a crowd of people I'm expected to talk to but that's because I'm aware of coming across as awkward.
Luckily my dh is similar and we're both comfortable to just sit silently and enjoy each other's company without the pressure to talk constantly.

I'm known as Quiet in my work. I'm chatty with people I know and like in there, but I find the attention demanding loud mouths exhausting. They take over conversations and think they are funny. I definitely need to recharge at home from listening to them. I'm perfectly happy in my own company. It annoys me that the extroverts are thought as superior in some workplaces. I think before I speak, I don't just open my mouth and let my belly rumble like them.

It's funny, I was thinking when I was driving today. It struck me how much I enjoy time in the car alone. I felt utterly content today, driving along with an audio book on and it got me thinking about my introversion. I spent my younger years pretending I wasn't introverted, probably because of the shame you mentioned OP. People have sometimes called me a loner which isn't true at all, I enjoy spending time with people but I start to feel quite unhappy if I can't get time to myself. I think extroverts just can't fathom us, they must think we're weird.

Oh yes.

I'm not a huge extrovert at all but understand what you say about it being OK to be you.

I like being outside, going to cafes alone and cooking. I occasionally have some wine but don't get drunk.

I like routines and going to the same restaurants /cafes.

I do not like plans changing or made on the fly. But I am not mega rigid either.

I flourish one to one, rather than large groups.

I HATE being the centre of attention and talking to a group, I just can't do it.

Yes, I'm an introvert but I did go out quite a lot in my late teens and 20s. I had to get pretty drunk though to feel comfortable. When I reached my late 30s and early 40s (now), I started to feel much better and I'm pretty glad to be an introvert now.
I have very few friends and hardly ever go out besides work and school for the kids etc but I think it's a simple life compared to my very extraverted mother who is always involved in some drama. We've never really got along but she irritates me more than ever now as her stories and constant talking about herself every time we speak bore me to death.
I get very tired and exhausted listening to constant chattering and noise. I never go in the staffroom at work as I need that quiet for 30 minutes and to be alone.

I think for younger people, there's a certain profile they have to have to fit in. Outgoing, chatty, fashionable, attractive and charasmatic. If you're not, you must be kind of weird. Once we grow older, we don't feel the need to fit in as much and our own little world becomes most important to us.

I'm quite an approachable person and I can have a chat and be friendly for a short while but it doesn't last long and I switch off quickly or start to feel awkward.
Maybe I have some social anxiety but I'm not bothered by it tbh. I'm not causing anyone any harm and I'm quite happy and content being alone.
I appreciate genuine, down to earth people and find people who are showy, loud and talk too much shallow.

@JoonT - thank you for your post. I think my DS is like you. He socialises very little but seems happy with that. As I'm someone who always was out and about when younger, I worry about him. But he seems happy in himself so I don't badger him about it, beyond the minimum.

I make myself not ask why he isn't going out on a Saturday night etc, because i don't want him to feel the shame that you write about in your OP.

Absolutely 100% agree with everything you said OP. I was blessed when I met DH at work in my early 20s. We actually got chatting over a book that he spotted on my desk while he was delivering paper from the warehouse. Anyway both of us are similar and it suited us that when we set up home together and got married we hadn't a pot to piss in so couldn't do stuff and we had great excuses to be totally anti social. I remember being a teen and a neighbour making a joke to my mother about me being out chasing boys which was a million miles away from what I was actually doing and I was absolutely dying of mortification and feeling like a complete looser.