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Original poster

Cant get round my mum looking to date!

50 replies

mumOfjackson2016 · 11/02/2023 05:50

my mum and dad broke up 14 years ago my dad remarried and i dont have much do to with him. I found text from my mum and a man not long after they broke up but he was married, mum said nothing was happening and they were just friends which i no if true as i mum wouldnt do that after what my dad done on her. They kept texting as friend over these 14 years but 3 months ago this mans wife has died. Mum has been a support for him and he and mayb she wants to see if there is any thing else in there friendship. I am finding this hard my mum has never been with anyone else i no i am being selfish not looking her too but i cant get my head around it. Then with his wife only dying how is that going to look? I really dont want anything to happen with them. I have told my mum this and i dont no what to do? I feel like she still wants something to happen but he is more him but my mum is going to looked bad on as wife not long pasted.
she likes to chats but is it worth it?

OP posts:

MintJulia · 11/02/2023 20:09

'How will that look?' 🙄

Don't be so superficial OP. Your mum is a mature lady who is perfectly capable of managing her own life. What she does is absolutely none of your business.

She has survived with being just friends for the last 14 years. But if a relationship did develop between her and her male friend, that's lovely.

If you care for her, leave her to run her own life and stop being so judgemental. The only person batting an eyelid is you !

Testina · 11/02/2023 20:11

Just friends 🤣
She’s been waiting in the wings for 14 years and now she’s as ready to pounce as he is. And she’ll not have been waiting patiently in the wings either.
You suspected her before.
Seems perfectly likely that there’s been something going on all this time, given that she’s stayed “single”.
That she was cheated on means she wouldn’t too. And of course she’s not going to tell you that.

The fact you suspected it before, that she’s stayed friends and stayed single for 14 years, and this speed… it’s been a long standing affair.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2023 20:14

You don’t need to do anything other than keep you nose well out of it.

It is really really unpleasant to try and take your mum’s happiness by threatening her that she will look bad for dating a widower. And it is really really bizarre to have a problem with your mum dating 14 years after your Dad left.

None of this is a good look OP, and there is no dressing it up. Focus on your own life.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2023 20:15

Testina · 11/02/2023 20:11

Jesus don’t encourage the OP.

OP - it’s STILL none of your business.

Original poster

mumOfjackson2016 · 11/02/2023 20:16

Your all very quick to judge, like i said i was only looking advice, sorry i asked now. I do want her to be happy!!!!

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 11/02/2023 20:17

mumOfjackson2016 · 11/02/2023 20:16

Your all very quick to judge, like i said i was only looking advice, sorry i asked now. I do want her to be happy!!!!

We're quick to judge.... oh the irony.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 11/02/2023 20:18

Why would anyone wish a future of loneliness on their parent? I find that really sad.

Original poster

mumOfjackson2016 · 11/02/2023 20:21

I dont want her to be lonely, i was just asking for advice as i have never seen my mum with anyone else and was finding it strange. I want her to be happy.

OP posts:

Testina · 11/02/2023 20:28

@Luredbyapomegranate “Jesus don’t encourage the OP.”

I may think that this is a long-standing affair - but I’m still on the side of those telling her: beak out.

Testina · 11/02/2023 20:30

mumOfjackson2016 · 11/02/2023 20:21

I dont want her to be lonely, i was just asking for advice as i have never seen my mum with anyone else and was finding it strange. I want her to be happy.

That’s just odd though. I get that you might judge her for moving fast after his death, but to get hung up on the fact that it’s weird for you makes you sound like a teenager who hasn’t quite got used to seeing mum as anything other than mum.

Bonjovispjs · 11/02/2023 22:03

Your poor mum, 14 years alone, stop being so selfish.

vodkaredbullgirl · 11/02/2023 22:09

I've been single for 13 yrs, not found that right person. I would hope if I did meet someone, my 2 adult dd's would be happy.

MintJulia · 12/02/2023 08:36

OP, you say you are looking for advice.

Posters have offered the only sensible advice. Your mum is an independent lady, an adult, and can choose to run her personal life as she wishes, without your input or approval.

She could remarry
She could find a friend with benefits
She could have a relationship with her male friend or with anyone else for that matter.
She could choose to remain single & unattached in any way.

All of these options are perfectly acceptable and normal. All you need to do is be happy for her, whatever she chooses. It really is that simple.

WandaWonder · 12/02/2023 08:38

mumOfjackson2016 · 11/02/2023 20:21

I dont want her to be lonely, i was just asking for advice as i have never seen my mum with anyone else and was finding it strange. I want her to be happy.

Honestly what advice are you looking for?

What could any of us say that would help you?

Knoblauch · 12/02/2023 10:23

Have you also stayed completely single for the last 14 years like your mum OP? Or have you been off living your life, having relationships, friendships and your own children, while your mum has been alone and most definitely, at times, lonely?

Newusernameaug · 12/02/2023 10:28

If you’re asking for advice :

Go and apologise to your mum for saying you don’t think they should be together and for sticking your nose into her business, explain to your mum you’re now aware it’s non of your business and wish her well and let her know you support her with whoever she dates and whatever she chooses to do with her life.

And then do this and learn from this!

Timeforabiscuit · 12/02/2023 10:32

It sounds like you have some pretty big hangups about your mum getting involved with someone else.

It could be, your really insecure and jealous of anyone having an intimate or close relationship with your mum.

It could be you have an over extended sense of protection of your mum, especially if youve provided alot of emotional support through and after divorce.

Both of these can be addressed by you, having strong boundaries and talking it through.

Your mums relationships aren't yours to police and manage, although there can be some really weird family dynamics at play.

nottheoptic · 12/02/2023 10:32

You're being selfish, you know that. I felt similarly when my parents started dating other people. However, I was eight at the time. Your parents are humans and deserve to have relationships. My advice is that you accept that and are supportive of your mum. It's really the only advice there is.

Shgytfgtf111 · 12/02/2023 10:38

I don't see how your parents can have been separated for 14 years given it would make you -2 years old at the time.

Seriously though, i am sure that your concern is that your mum is putting herself at risk of being hurt again and that the status quo between you will change. You could have to share her now but surely it's worth it if she's happy?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 12/02/2023 10:40

mumOfjackson2016 · 11/02/2023 20:16

Your all very quick to judge, like i said i was only looking advice, sorry i asked now. I do want her to be happy!!!!

If you want her to be happy, butt out of her life. You get hurt in life sometimes, it's normal, she's a grown up and she'll deal with it.

That's my advice, OP, let your mother live her life, and don't interfere.

PermanentTemporary · 12/02/2023 10:40

My dh died tragically and I was having casual dates less than a year later. It was fun, and by God I needed some fun. Not ds's business. It was weird for him when I met someone else that was more serious, and I've tried to go gently; I don't make him talk about it.

I'm sorry you're not in touch with your dad. If I were you I'd consider whether to change that. People aren't all good or bad, they're people.

What do you do for fun OP? I'd do more of that. The spring flowers are out.

Original poster

mumOfjackson2016 · 12/02/2023 11:06

Thank you for these last few posts advice i have spoke to my mum and said sorry. It was just something i have to deal with. I want my mum to be happy, she is an amazing woman. Yes i was being selfish and it was none of my business. I see all this now

thank you

OP posts:

Carlycat · 12/02/2023 12:24

mumOfjackson2016 · 12/02/2023 11:06

thank you

Original poster

mumOfjackson2016 · 12/02/2023 14:18

Thank you

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/02/2023 14:23

My advice is to be happy for your mum, who’s given her best years to you.

A 14 year friendship sounds like a solid basis for a relationship and I hope that your mum has many happy years ahead of her with her new potential partner. As should you.

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