I have ADHD and was only diagnosed 5 years ago. Have been with DH for 16 years. Our honeymoon period lasted about half year. But even then, there was signs that some aspects of our personality clashes disproportionally. After the first half year, the relationship turned to more like best friends and we got along well in bigger things, but small frictions never stopped.
Until my diagnosis, DH has built up fair amount of resentment because of my impulsivity (small daily things like keep cutting him in the middle of his words). I was generally a very jolly person and just kept bobbling in all directions. But he's a very logic driven person and has had a very depressed childhood which makes him a very cautious person who does't like unpredicability. He's a loving father to DCs, but also very much an introvert who has a tendency to keep things to himself. On the other hand, he's very intelligent and I rely on him a lot when I lose my direction and he has been my best friend with no doubt. But I don't think we have anything romantic left between us (less than 20 times sex in the past 10 years - I know, it's not normal...).
Over years, we had many "talks" but nothing changed. He tried to accommodate the fact that I have ADHD after my diagnosis and understood that I didn't intend to behave how I do. But the resentment has not disappeared and he just "tried" to tolerate me, I guess.
So he's starting a new job. Yesterday it was his first day. There happened to be some conference with multiple stakeholders around. He was very keen to get ready and leave home earlier. He usually would take DS1 to school which is on his way to the public transport. Usually he'd be with DS1 in the kitchen for the first part of the morning and I only go in there after they sort out their breakfast, as the kitchen is very small. But yesterday, I needed to make DS2 a lunchbox in the morning which usually has a boiled egg in. I wanted to get the egg boiled the first thing so allow it to have enough time to cool down before I can put it in the box and etc. So I went straight to the kitchen, without realising he was about to make his coffee, and picked up the kettle and refilled it to boil so that I could start cooking the egg. (Sorry for so much tedious details). He got shocked and confused (using his words), not knowing what has had happened and what that was about. Instead of talking to me and asking me what's going on, he just left the kitchen and went to bathroom to get himself ready. The next thing I knew was that he said he'd leave home straightaway and I have to take DS1 to school, while I was still in pyjamas and DS2 was still in bed. That was less than half an hour before DS1 had to get out of the house. He came back nearly 10pm - I was expecting he'd go out with new colleagues for dinner and drink, but he didn't text me. We didn't talk to each other until this morning. But he just said "I don't know what to say. Nothing I say is right and nothing I do is right." I was thinking "how? How can't you see how wrong it was?" He then just said what happened yesterday as if he was waiting in a queue and suddenly someone jumps out and gives him a punch in the face, leaving him shocked and confused.
I always thought if he had a normal childhood and was given more love when he was young, he would not have been annoyed by my condition that much. But my ADHD is my only identity in this marriage now. It seems that he feel nothing from me but my ADHD.
I've been playing in mind the idea of separation for a while and occasionally ave asked him if he'd rather just split and find someone else. He always said no. But this time, I feel it's different. It become clear to both of us, it's not going to get better and it is true that nobody is happy. So he said, he doesn't know what the answer is and it looks as if the idea of slip is really on the table.
But honestly, I don't want to separate. I do value him being in my life and I know the kids would be devastated if we do split, especially DS1 who has ADHD too and is very vulnerable in terms of feelings. I didn't like the idea of counselling, as it involves putting too many personal stuff in front of a third person who may or may not be helpful at all. But I guess if we need to, I probably would be ok to try. But it has to be initiated by him, as I mentioned several times before, he didn't seem to be keen. I don't want to impose my decision on him (like how sometimes he complains about me) and want it to be his own decision.
All in all, I'm really scared at this moment. My dad passed away when my mum was only 40ish and she never got married. But both me and my brother were a lot older than my DCs now. I just don't know how I could face a broken family. With all the other practical reasons too, I am just really really scared...