How would you react?

[confettipig]

How would you react if this were you? Long post, I wanted to avoid a drip feed so thanks if you stick with it!

DSis (30) is due her first child soon.

The last few years have been difficult within the family as she is very domineering and controlling and expects everyone to do what she wants to do. She is very emotionally volatile. However, she is also extremely intelligent and always has been, and uses this socially to her advantage e.g to manipulate others and make them feel small but do so in a casual way that can be brushed off as ‘oh don’t be sensitive I was only joking’.

Forced my DH and DBro’s GF (as good as SIL) to stand on the edge of her wedding photos and loudly said this was in case they were temporary she could crop them off. Both graciously stepped aside but I felt humiliated. Ignores DH and looks SIL up and down, talks over either of them whenever they try to speak. I couldn’t get time off work to go to her rescheduled hair trial and she cried her eyes out to my parents saying she didn’t understand why I don’t love her and care about her. When I reached out to her via text to apologise, she ignored me as she doesn’t want a virtual relationship - and then blocked my number. Basically, she’s very brazen and has gone largely unchallenged for too long.

DBro isn’t as sensitive as me and therefore can put it to the back of his mind and shrug it off, simply concluding she is not good for him and he will see her at major family events etc but draw the line there. Easy for him to do as he and his GF live overseas, whereas I live merely 5 minutes drive from her.

I haven’t gone no contact for a few reasons: we live so nearby, I suspect there may be MH reasons at play with DSis, and pressure from my parents to have a happy carry-on.
Parents have privately told me that they have noticed the behaviour but won’t challenge it whilst she is expecting as they are too anxious DSis would then turn around and say they were causing her stress, or stop her from seeing their first granddaughter.

So, I’m over a barrel. I’m not in a position to say anything to her. I want to meet DN but not sure how that will look when she refuses to even acknowledge DH. I want to be there to support my DSis but not at the cost of my/my family’s wellbeing. We are pre-DC but hope to start a family this year, I daydream about how nice it would be for everyone to get on but at this rate my kids won’t know their cousins sadly!

This will only get worse.

Your brother probably lives abroad for a (sister-sized) reason.

Your parents will not change or do anything to stop her, in case, as you say she will block them from seeing their grandchild.

Once her behaviour starts negatively affecting either their grandchild or them as they get older, your parents will ask you to step in and protect them.

Discuss with your DH what your limits are, how much you are willing to accept for yourselves and eventually your DC. Put limits in place to protect yourself. Your parents have already shown you where you are on their list and you're expected to stay there.

This sounds like a spoilt brat that's entirely of your parents' doing. They won't put their foot down and say no to her and because of that, they've caused her to grow up like this. Her poor child.
I personally think (if you can stand to put up with DSis) you should make persistent efforts to get to know DN when she arrives so she knows you're a positive figure, because with a mother like that she's going to need a support network from other close relatives.

Thank you, this is also my feelings on the matter. I don’t understand why she is the way she is and do feel worried for DN but it is what it is!

I’m not sure how myself and my brother aren’t like that though. She is the oldest by several years. I’d love to be involved in my niece’s life but I think my sister will undermine me every step of the way, possibly not let DH hold the baby, etc. I might be worrying needlessly but judging by her behaviour beforehand I don’t think this is irrational. I am aware I can’t hope to get on with her if I don’t spend enough time with my sister and she will use this to her advantage.

I don't think she was wrong about her photos tbh, I've seen too many people unable to display photos as various exes are in them so that was pretty sensible.

Maybe motherhood will chill her out, or maybe it will make her worse, but I think I would be inclined to keep my distance a bit in the beginning and see how the land lies before trying to establish a relationship with the baby.

@FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie true, I just thought there were more discreet ways of conveying that message. That’s a good idea thank you.

I do think she’s aware of her behaviour too. I just can’t shake off feeling worried for her, despite how she has treated me!

I couldn’t be doing with all that drama.

i have a feeling she will be wanting babysitters as she sounds like she won’t be able to cope with a baby that is taking all the attention away from
her.

I would step right back and let her come crawling to you asking for help.

Your parents have enabled her behaviour and possibly spoilt her when she was an only child and it’s ingrained in her to resent you and your brother as having usurped her as being the child that got all the attention.